Thought of the Day

Can't we all just get along? If not, can't we all just get a bong? If that doesn't work, can't we all just share a dong?

Films In-Depth: Sherlock Holmes

Robert Downey Jr. is really attractive. There was this one part when he was boxing and his shirt was off and he was really sweaty. When does this come out on DVD?

Listed, Fisted.

Bandwagon jumper? Heck yes, I am.

I have been collecting these cherished moments all year long, writing them out on handmade paper and storing them in a treasure box under my bed just for this very occasion. I certainly didn't pull them out of my ass on December 23rd, and wrote them in 20 minutes while watching "A Christmas Story" and wondering where my life went wrong.

As is my custom on this blog and in my life, I will veer away from relevant current events and draw from my own experiences. Self-indulgent. I know. You love me anyways.

1. Top vacation destination of 2009:

Grande Prairie

2.Top shoplifted item of 2009:

Grande Prairie

3. Top summertime memory of 2009:

Writing brilliant (but largely unappreciated) haikus for the catastrophe team at a large Dutch insurance company for whom I worked. Clearly, the term 'work' is a catch-all term for dicking around for 8.5 hours a day.

4. Top health scare of 2009:

The huge zit on my chin that my mom thought might be cervical cancer.

5. Top friend-fight of 2009:

When Tara got offended that I called her deceased mother a ho.

6. Top educational pursuit of 2009:

Trying (and succeeding!) to teach myself how to whistle. Poorly.

7. Top misunderstood song lyrics of 2009:

When I thought that the Kings of Leon wrote a hit song about Alexisonfire.

8. Top philanthropic gesture of 2009:

The luxurious household furnishings that I sold to charity at a moderately discounted price.

9. Top blog I contributed to in 2009:

Sure as fuck not this one.

May your season be filled with joy, laughter, cheer, and Boney M.

Ms. Claus

Happy Holidays to my favourite bitches.

I love you all, in many very different ways. But they're all sexual.

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Ratatouille Strychnine, Sometimes She's a Friend of Mine

I love my friends. Why? They create stuff like this.

happybirthdayrory09 from James Allen Cochrane on Vimeo.

Turn Around

Bonnie Tyler® brand razors. Because every now and then, you need a really good shave.

"Obtainable only from retailers"! Which is to say that those knock-off blades from the creepy Portuguese guy with bitch tits around the corner are nothing short of inferior.

Or, "How To Bang Winnie Cooper"

Ah, romance.

The Italian poet Dante was not immune to the sweet bliss to be found in the wooing of a beautiful woman. Neither were Romeo nor Cyrano de Bergerac. Goethe's Werther offed himself.

These men had desire. These men had passion. These men had burning lust.

But what they didn't have was $2.

I'm Gay For...

The slutty chair from Pee Wee's Playhouse. She taught me everything I know about what it means to be a woman, and how to please a man by making him sit on my face.

I'm Guessing He's A Republican

If creepy anamatronic hillbillies leave you a little unsettled, I would skip this video.



When I was 13, Uncle Klunk raped me.

He used the banana.

(Also, they serve pizza. Apparently.)

No Water For Me, Thanks

Not having living during the era in which this was marketed, I naturally have questions. I have several questions.

1. Is this a joke?
2. How much does she pay for the storage locker where she keeps her intestines?
3. How was childbearing negotiated during this age? For that matter, how was conception negotiated?
4. Is the brand named "Erect Form" because, when the corset is off, the wearer topples over like a poorly designed PlayDoh sculpture?
5. No, really. Is this a joke?

I also must point out that this contraption was marketed as 'comfortable'. I have to agree on this, it does look comfortable. Then again, I sleep with bamboo shoots under my fingernails and knitting needles poked through my eyelids. Ahhhhh. So comfy. It feels just like snuggling with gramma.

Hairstyles That Need To Happen Again

That's it. Just this one. Make it happen, people.

Photo

I'm Gay For...

Jennifer Tilly.


Special thanks to Eric from www.tiptaptip.com for reminding me how much I love her.

Oh, My Aching Tiddies

Hey ladies!

Does your seatbelt dig in to your shoulders, neck or chest? Are you plagued with safety belt irritation at the site of contact? Have you ever wanted to get motorboated by a stuffed animal?



This adorable little bear will lie spread-eagled over your chest as you drive your hybrid car while wearing khakis and inoffensive pastels. The soft velour fabric feels almost sensuous against your skin. Or at least it would feel sensuous, if you hadn't given up orgasms for financial security back on your wedding day in '96.

The TiddyBear also doubles as a modesty device for today's Mormon mom-on-the-go. Is a little extra cleavage proving to be a point of contention with your husband's other 6 wives? Cover up your scandalous melon-crack with a plush chastity device.

But wait! It's not just for the ladies! Men can also use the TiddyBear! Sure, wearing a glorified Beanie Baby across your bitch tits takes a toll on your manhood, but you probably handed over the keys to your balls years ago, anyways.

And bonus- it's yellow! The colour of sunshine!

And urine.

The Bitch Is Back

Yes, MOTHER, I have been away from the blog for far too long. I've been busy. I'm sorry. What exciting activities have been selfishly occupying my time? Since you're so fucking nosy, here's a list.

• School
• Volunteer fire department
• My laughably empty social life
• Watching movies
• Corrupting juvies
  
• Knitting afghans
• Judging people who I catch reading "Twilight"
• Showering with football teams to save water
• Showering with Horshack to save Kotter
• Cleaning the venetian blinds
• Weeding the yard
  
• Reading the bard
• Encouraging Kanye to express himself
• Shaving my legs
• Shaving your legs
• Shaving Horshack's legs
• Enjoying the weather
• Employing the leather
• Sucking at life

Glad to be back. I missed you bitches.

Love,
The Irreplaceable
Michelle

I'm Gay For...

Hummus. Fuckin' eh.

Thought of the Day

Is it wrong that I get turned on while watching men eat bananas?

ABBA Met the Same Fate

I love this style of upper-body dancing. I call it "The Unfortunate War Veteran".

Also, girls-- please don't get too excited about Ken. There's not much flavour South of the border, if you know what I mean. But that hair he's rocking... that hair is man enough for twelve eunuchs. And I love his "I don't give a shit" attitude. So typical of the underground-club-coke-and-bareback-for-cash 80's man.

I forgot how 80's style was capable of morphing a 10-year old girl into a 34-year old Michigan housewife. A tightly-coiled perm, eyebrows as thick as molasses, and a good sweep of blue eyeshadow for good measure could turn Stephanie Tanner into Mrs. Seaver.

My favourite part-- skip to 0:21 when Barbie asks Ken to join the band- she's still dancing!! Bitch is a fucking slave to the rhythm! I'll bet she rode the scene hard until 1993, when she found Jesus and renounced her sinful ways. Ken left her and headed to Seattle where he played drums in a band called Reject-ulation until he got his Masters in philosophy.

Ah well... we all have to grow up sometime.

If it's melted, it counts as a food group.

A word to the wise: Don't let yourself get so hungry that, as soon as dinner is made, you forget to turn off the stove.

Oh, This? It's Just a Pamphlet on Existentialism

I like to support small business when I can. If I need to buy a book, I try to find it at local, independantly-owned bookstores. But occasionally, I find myself in the mouth of the beast... Chapters. (Shout out to my sister Sarah-Hi! Please don't let this stop you from buying me gift cards for books!)

I guess I've been away too long, becuase on my most recept trip I found some new and curious section headers.

I come from a time (and a sensibility) in which books are categorized into such genres as Self-Help, Gardening, Wellness, Travel, Cooking, Fiction and Literature (yes, they ARE different), and so on.

So you can imagine my surprise upon discovering:

Human Resources!

American cuisine too exciting for your palate? Try... Canadian Cooking!

Need some mid-grade quality parchment with which to wipe your ass? Why not check out... James Patterson!Wait, wait, wait. That last one is fake, right. Right??

Oh. It's real. I see.

We're all fucked.

Thankfully, I have acquired a list of exciting new genres coming soon to a Chapters near you:

• Sweatpants!
• Armenian Baking!
• Meercat Husbandry!
• Pogo-Ball Maintenance!
• Do-It Yourself REM Sleeping!

If you need me, I'll be in Hermaphrodite Erotica.

I'm Gay For...

The tiny little tables in the middle of a pizza. Sure, the adult in me knows it's there to prevent the cheese from sticking to the top of the box. But the 8-year old girl in me knows it's there so that my Barbies have a table to gather around while discussing the current Book Club selection.

"Oh Barbie, don't be so naive. Moll Flanders is no victim."

"Dammit, Skipper, you did this last month with Heart of Darkness! I have an opinion, and it shan't be stifled!"

"OK you two, simmer down. Here, have some petit fours and we'll choose our book for next month. Now, I've been hearing a lot of interest in Pynchon. But I would like to suggest Edith Wharton in honour of Stacie's upcoming trip to Boston. Now, who's for some port?"