Listed, Fisted.

Bandwagon jumper? Heck yes, I am.

I have been collecting these cherished moments all year long, writing them out on handmade paper and storing them in a treasure box under my bed just for this very occasion. I certainly didn't pull them out of my ass on December 23rd, and wrote them in 20 minutes while watching "A Christmas Story" and wondering where my life went wrong.

As is my custom on this blog and in my life, I will veer away from relevant current events and draw from my own experiences. Self-indulgent. I know. You love me anyways.

1. Top vacation destination of 2009:

Grande Prairie

2.Top shoplifted item of 2009:

Grande Prairie

3. Top summertime memory of 2009:

Writing brilliant (but largely unappreciated) haikus for the catastrophe team at a large Dutch insurance company for whom I worked. Clearly, the term 'work' is a catch-all term for dicking around for 8.5 hours a day.

4. Top health scare of 2009:

The huge zit on my chin that my mom thought might be cervical cancer.

5. Top friend-fight of 2009:

When Tara got offended that I called her deceased mother a ho.

6. Top educational pursuit of 2009:

Trying (and succeeding!) to teach myself how to whistle. Poorly.

7. Top misunderstood song lyrics of 2009:

When I thought that the Kings of Leon wrote a hit song about Alexisonfire.

8. Top philanthropic gesture of 2009:

The luxurious household furnishings that I sold to charity at a moderately discounted price.

9. Top blog I contributed to in 2009:

Sure as fuck not this one.

May your season be filled with joy, laughter, cheer, and Boney M.

The Bitch Is Back

Yes, MOTHER, I have been away from the blog for far too long. I've been busy. I'm sorry. What exciting activities have been selfishly occupying my time? Since you're so fucking nosy, here's a list.

• School
• Volunteer fire department
• My laughably empty social life
• Watching movies
• Corrupting juvies
  
• Knitting afghans
• Judging people who I catch reading "Twilight"
• Showering with football teams to save water
• Showering with Horshack to save Kotter
• Cleaning the venetian blinds
• Weeding the yard
  
• Reading the bard
• Encouraging Kanye to express himself
• Shaving my legs
• Shaving your legs
• Shaving Horshack's legs
• Enjoying the weather
• Employing the leather
• Sucking at life

Glad to be back. I missed you bitches.

Love,
The Irreplaceable
Michelle

21 Things People Hate About Me

"Michelle, why are you such an insufferable bitch?"

This is a question I'm often asked, by friends and strangers, by clergy and laypersons, by the young and decrepit alike. It's been one of the great mysteries of my life-- How could you hate me? ME! As is typical of my personality (and number 14 on the list) I've decided to compile a list.

1. I am a biblio-snob of the worst sort. Twilight? Bitch, please. I wouldn't be caught dead with that book in my hand.


2. I crack my bones.


3. I wear (forbidden!) outside shoes at the gym.


4. I ask questions that are absolutely none of my business.


5. I sing along in the car to every single song. I'm a terrible singer, too. This is not modesty, either. I am truly terrible. It's why I love kareoke so much.


6. I love opening my mouth and showing people half-eaten food.


7. I always grab my friend's cigarettes and insist on lighting them. The first drag is always the best, anyway. The rest is just anticlimax.


8. I openly mock those who use poor grammar.


9. I roll my eyes about 5 dozen times per day.


10. I love the movie "Drop Dead Gorgeous".


11. I have a super-humanly strong sense of smell, and I will tell you if you stink.


12. I always whine that I want a pot-bellied pig. Apparently they get really big. Whatever.


13. I compulsively buy stationery. Pens are a particular problem.


14. I compile lists incessantly.


15. I become obsessed with things very intensely, and I devour every piece of information I can find on the subject.


16. I refuse to watch The Godfather.


17. I love watching strangers eat really messy food. Shawarmas= hilarious.


18. Anything that comes out of my purse smells and tastes like perfume. Mints, gum, etc.


19. I rarely finish a drink. I just drink 75% of it, and either give up or get a new one.


20. I cannot (CANNOT) sit at a restaurant without hanging a spoon off my nose.


21. I fully expect you to adore me for the above idiosynchracies.

Because I'm a Legend In My Own Mind. And In Yours.

James Lipton's Ten Questions.

1. What is your favourite word?
Reciprocity

2. What is your least favourite word?
Prolapse

3. What turns you on?
Really good cologne, and Daniel-Day Lewis as Bill the Butcher in "Gangs of New York".

4. What turns you off?
Reciprocal prolapses

5. What is your favourite curse word?
'Cunt'. I so rarely get a chance to use it, though. People are so sensitive about being called 'cunty' these days.

6. What sound or noise do you love?
Thunder, and the sound of the bones cracking in my neck.

7. What sound or noise do you hate?
When someone's nose is whistling. Or the creepy accents that men in California have.

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
I would like to get my Ph. D in sass. Also, I would like to work the machine that makes those little donuts.

9. What profession would you not like to attempt?
Anything in sales or professional sports.

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"Welcome home. You did a great job, but next time around, can we please watch the goddamn language?"

Because Inquiring Minds Need to Know

What happens when I insert a device into my computer? Observe.
Yes, it really is me.
Maybe next time I'll tell you what happens when something comes into my Inbox.

Freud and Marx Were Right-- We Fetishize Everything

In my search for Cakewrecks, I typed in 'cake' and Google auto-predicted that I might be instead looking for Cake Farts. Sure, Google, you've never led me astray before. I trust you. I'll just click on this link and....

Hmmm. I see. Excuse me, I have to go jump off my balcony now.

WARNING: Links to adult content. Not for the faint of heart. Please don't watch this. Ever.

http://www.cakefarts.com/

Just a Squirt

Slow day. I need a template.

What are you doing right now?

Smokin' on a night train, chewin' on a jelly roll.

How many times have you been kissed today?

Does it count if I kiss myself? If it does, then 73.

What song is your ringtone?

Right now it's "Papa Was a Rolling Stone", but I'm most proud of getting the stink eye from some uptight bitch in Costco when my phone rang to "Erotica" by Madonna. I live to get the stink eye from strangers.

Rain or sun?

Rain. Sun is far too obvious and unimaginative.

What was your first job?

Fluffer at an assisted living facility.

Who was your favourite teacher?

My grade 8 English teacher, Mr. Mitchell. He was actually the son of W.O. Mitchell, and he loved to tell us stories about his dad getting spectacularly blitzed in rural Saskatchewan.

Wind, water, earth, or fire?

Who's asking these questions? The fucking Planeteers?

What is your favourite perfume?

Irrelevant Cheap Slag by Jessica Simpson. I wear it well.

Coke or Pepsi?

Seriously? Are these questions from like 1993? I feel like I'm taking the Pepsi Taste Test Challenge in a sad suburban mall. By the way, it's neither. Club Soda. What? I like it with lime. Caffeine makes me panic.

What do you wear to bed?

A smile. And a squirt of Irrelevant Cheap Slag by Jessica Simpson. I wear them well.