Listed, Fisted.

Bandwagon jumper? Heck yes, I am.

I have been collecting these cherished moments all year long, writing them out on handmade paper and storing them in a treasure box under my bed just for this very occasion. I certainly didn't pull them out of my ass on December 23rd, and wrote them in 20 minutes while watching "A Christmas Story" and wondering where my life went wrong.

As is my custom on this blog and in my life, I will veer away from relevant current events and draw from my own experiences. Self-indulgent. I know. You love me anyways.

1. Top vacation destination of 2009:

Grande Prairie

2.Top shoplifted item of 2009:

Grande Prairie

3. Top summertime memory of 2009:

Writing brilliant (but largely unappreciated) haikus for the catastrophe team at a large Dutch insurance company for whom I worked. Clearly, the term 'work' is a catch-all term for dicking around for 8.5 hours a day.

4. Top health scare of 2009:

The huge zit on my chin that my mom thought might be cervical cancer.

5. Top friend-fight of 2009:

When Tara got offended that I called her deceased mother a ho.

6. Top educational pursuit of 2009:

Trying (and succeeding!) to teach myself how to whistle. Poorly.

7. Top misunderstood song lyrics of 2009:

When I thought that the Kings of Leon wrote a hit song about Alexisonfire.

8. Top philanthropic gesture of 2009:

The luxurious household furnishings that I sold to charity at a moderately discounted price.

9. Top blog I contributed to in 2009:

Sure as fuck not this one.

May your season be filled with joy, laughter, cheer, and Boney M.

The Bitch Is Back

Yes, MOTHER, I have been away from the blog for far too long. I've been busy. I'm sorry. What exciting activities have been selfishly occupying my time? Since you're so fucking nosy, here's a list.

• School
• Volunteer fire department
• My laughably empty social life
• Watching movies
• Corrupting juvies
  
• Knitting afghans
• Judging people who I catch reading "Twilight"
• Showering with football teams to save water
• Showering with Horshack to save Kotter
• Cleaning the venetian blinds
• Weeding the yard
  
• Reading the bard
• Encouraging Kanye to express himself
• Shaving my legs
• Shaving your legs
• Shaving Horshack's legs
• Enjoying the weather
• Employing the leather
• Sucking at life

Glad to be back. I missed you bitches.

Love,
The Irreplaceable
Michelle

Just a Squirt

Slow day. I need a template.

What are you doing right now?

Smokin' on a night train, chewin' on a jelly roll.

How many times have you been kissed today?

Does it count if I kiss myself? If it does, then 73.

What song is your ringtone?

Right now it's "Papa Was a Rolling Stone", but I'm most proud of getting the stink eye from some uptight bitch in Costco when my phone rang to "Erotica" by Madonna. I live to get the stink eye from strangers.

Rain or sun?

Rain. Sun is far too obvious and unimaginative.

What was your first job?

Fluffer at an assisted living facility.

Who was your favourite teacher?

My grade 8 English teacher, Mr. Mitchell. He was actually the son of W.O. Mitchell, and he loved to tell us stories about his dad getting spectacularly blitzed in rural Saskatchewan.

Wind, water, earth, or fire?

Who's asking these questions? The fucking Planeteers?

What is your favourite perfume?

Irrelevant Cheap Slag by Jessica Simpson. I wear it well.

Coke or Pepsi?

Seriously? Are these questions from like 1993? I feel like I'm taking the Pepsi Taste Test Challenge in a sad suburban mall. By the way, it's neither. Club Soda. What? I like it with lime. Caffeine makes me panic.

What do you wear to bed?

A smile. And a squirt of Irrelevant Cheap Slag by Jessica Simpson. I wear them well.

Asshole Seeks Same

One of my favourite activities is searching Craigslist for... anything. I've recently discovered that the personals offer the most interesting listings. A sample, complete with Asshole-to-English translation:

seeking older, attached & or neglected - 44 (south)

I'm attached and am looking for an encounter with an attached/neglected woman. Your needs & beauty have been ignored and I'm the one to make you feel like the woman you are. Your age isn't too important but would prefer between 30 - 55...of course this isn't written in stone. I'm clean, safe, attentive & affectionate.and want to please you in anyway you desire. Of course there will be NSA...but if you would like to make it an occasional event, that would be fine too. I'm 6'tall, 165lbs, attractive and in good shape. DISCRETION IS EXPECTED & ASSURED

(Translation: Pussy. Any age. No offers turned down).

very exciting to have real women for love (calgary)

honest , seriouce , funny , easy going , friendly , open minded , i love trying new things ,watch movies , traveling , sport .... i do like see news in morning ,with coffee , i do belive in love built on truth and trust , i am very exciting to heard from you if you are interested , if not plz accepte all my respect and have wonderfull times

(Translation: Fuck me. Stay for breakfast).

Do you want to sell me your panties - 24 (U of C area)
I have a huuuge panty fetish. I'd like to purchase a pair. I'd like them to be well-worn, strongly scented, and wet. I'll pay $50/pair. I'm actually a very normal guy but where else can I satisfy a fetish like this. I'm a normal grad student, very polite and respectful. I'd like you to be reasonably fit and attractive. After all, I will be thinking of you when I go home!
(Translation: Fucking yikes).

Toronto Banana Boy Coming To Town - 38 (Toronto To Calgary)

(Translation: Moving on....)

New to pussy - m4mw - 20 (Calgary)

Hey im a gay male but i wanna try pussy with a couple i got pics plz get back thanx

(Translation: Holes wanted).

looking for a date tonite - 34 (sw)

my buddy's b-day tonite and looking for a date nsa just looking for some female company blind dates r awsome im 6 foot 190 lbs bald nice build tattoos peircings anyway reply back my name is B.J and the sooner the better

(Translation: Bitch, you better reply to me now so I can slap you around a bit before dinner).

Mental Problems-23, SouthEast
I have all sorts of problems, such as being insecure, fat, ugly, balding, and (generally speaking) I am a total failure at life. I'd make a lousy companion, as I won't do anything nice for you, and I don't give a fuck aboot your problems. I'm an asshole and will be more than happy to make you feel bad aboot yourself if it makes me feel better. Your pic gets mine.

(Translation: Not needed. This guy is obviously the cream of the crop. Like, for realsies. Bitches always be complainin' about guys who can't make them laugh. Jump on this one, ladies).

And finally, my absolute favourite:

like to suck pipe? - 30 (north calgary)

looking for chicks that like to get high and have sex with strangers -- i supply you service

(Translation: Better start picking out the wedding china).

Species: Puma Concolor Cougarus

Attn: Woman with Huge Newsanchor Hair

at the Gym.

Dear Hair,

I just wanted to go over a few things with you while I have your attention.

First of all, please don't ever give me that look again. Contrary to what you might believe, you are not hot shit. You're not even hot tuna. You are a cranky 45 year-old crusty bitch. It's not my fault your vagina dried up and fell off.

Secondly, it's a gym. People go there to work out (ie. exercise). No matter how you slice it, one set of three reps on each machine does not constitute exercise. I can see just by looking at you that you're not the type of gal who likes to sweat, but if you're going to go to the gym and sit on the machine that I'm waiting to use, at least make an attempt to look like you're getting something out ot it. To be honest, I'm not sure why you even joined a gym. Your workouts last about 15 minutes in their entirety, and when you get on a machine, I suspect you do so because you simply need a place to sit.

And lastly, the hair. "Who's hair?" you ask, looking around in every direction. Your hair. Now, I know that popular Cougar-Bar trivia games remind us that hair is, in fact, dead. I concede this point. But I feel that you might have taken this fact and decided that there's no point in nourishing something that's dead. I completely agree (and so do many of my late plants).

But-- and here's the rub-- something dead attached to something living is legally able to claim status as a semi-living entity. I would suggest conditioner, but frankly, it's too late for that. May I suggest olive oil, followed by a leave-in treatment of clarified butter (or ghee, as my Indian friend says). That should be the first step in restoring movement to your hair. I don't mean texture and body, but actual, visible movement.

Please take these suggestions to heart.

And if you're ever rude to me again, I will set a cougar trap for you next to the Ab Glider and tell our fellow gym-goers you're the one who leaves puddles of sweat on the machines.

Ta,

Michelle

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