This Just In: Oprah Not Conducive to Orgasm

While listening to Joel and Jenn, hosts of my favourite podcast/carnival of mortal delight that is Squidpod, I at once felt such camaraderie with Joel as he listed off qualities which he considers unfuckable. According to Mr. Squidpod, anyone who says the following is instantly off his list:

• "On Oprah I saw..."
• "Jenny McCarthy said..."
• "Yoga pants are SOOO comfortable"

Joel.
I feel you, my brother.

Some girls are fucking retards. So are some men (but that's another post).

Though I don't sleep with women, there are certainly boundaries which, when crossed, warrant my disdain. So, at the risk of offending some friends and the public at large (and by public at large, I mean the 6 people who read this blog), I would like to present my own list, which I like to call...

"If You Ever Say This To Me, I Will Kick You in the Clitoris":

• "That totally reminds me of something I read in Twilight..."
• "...and then I saw the man of my dreams. There he was, with a Bluetooth and an Ed Hardy shirt, the sun glistening on his shaven head..."
  
• "Where did you put my Gilmore Girls box set?"
• "Awwww, he treats me like a princess!"
• "No, it's true! I read it in an email my mom forwarded to me!"

And finally, nothing earns my disgust quite like...

• "OMG, when I saw that, I totally LOL'd!"

Dumb broad.

RANT: Creepy Next-Door Neighbour.

Hi!
It's me, the girl who lives next to you! I know you know who I am, because you've seen me walking into my apartment many, many times. I also have looked at you with scornful contempt after watching you dump disgusting garbage sans bag down the garbage chute.

I just wanted to send a quick note to say what a creep you are. I'm not sure what the specific infractions are, but I know that you're violating your parole.
When you make those frighteningly violent noises at about 1:30 in the afternoon, I have to put my textbook down to explore the possibilities. What are you doing to make such a sound? I would describe it as sounding like a bag of potatoes being hurled at a wood-panelled wall, followed by the wailing lament of damned souls.
I have reflected on this, for lo these past 3 years we have been sharing a wall, and I am now ready to present the only possible origins of the terrifying cacaphony:

1. You are a serial murderer/rapist a la Jeffrey Dahmer. I sincerely doubt this however, because I have an unsually well-developped sense of smell. Which leads to...

2. You share your apartment with an anal fissure-stricken water buffalo. Again, I would probably sniff this one out, so we move on to the most likely scenario...

3. You have 32 speakers pointed at our shared wall, and you watch "Cannibal Holocaust" every afternoon at full volume.

If this is correct, please signal that I have solved the riddle by remaining completely silent.

Sincerely,
Michelle