Ms. Claus

Happy Holidays to my favourite bitches.

I love you all, in many very different ways. But they're all sexual.

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After All, Easter is the Guilt Holiday

Let's talk logistics here:

• Buying eggs
• Hard boiling eggs
• Finding/buying crayons to write on aforementioned eggs
• Writing on eggs
• Dyeing eggs (multiple colours)
• Putting eggs in travel-safe container
• Carrying eggs to work
• Placing eggs strategically in fridge
• Awaiting (inevitable!) cleaning of fridge

Versus:

• Pull garbage can over to fridge
• Throw out all contents of fridge

I especially love the underlined "CLEAN" so as to add emphasis.

"Clean the fridge", as opposed to

"Strategically place pre-prepared Easter eggs in fridge to remind nameless entity other than oneself to clean fridge".

I am *so* glad I don't work in an office anymore.

Source

Happy Earth Day, Bitches!

Don't forget to recycle-- paper, water bottles, men.

RAVE: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Ok, I'm just going to say it.

I love you.

I love the shit out of you.

It's because of you that I'm gay for claymation.

Where do I even begin?

When we first met, I was 6 and it was Christmas Eve. I had just cut my sister's finger so bad she needed stitches. She had the scissors I wanted so I could make paper snowflakes. So I took them, and a bloodbath ensued.

As my parents were thus occupied, I settled in for some Christmas Eve television. And then..... you entered my life.

I will never forget the instant connection we shared-- it was as if my heart left my body and joined with yours in timeless stop-motion animation.

I would never be the same.

Sure, we've had our ups and downs. I doubt you'll ever forgive me for the year when I had to choose to watch National Lampoons Christmas Vacation instead, because it was scheduled in the same time slot. What can I say? I really love the part when the cat gets electrocuted. But you have never been far from my heart.

Every Christmas season, there you are. You are my rock, my pillar of strength. I laugh when Rudolph is marginalized for his red nose. I cry when the Head Elf won't let Hermie be a dentist. Hermie is the dentist of my heart. He fills the cavities of my soul with a bonding compound of happiness.

I am forever altered by you, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. And when we get old and grey and make our way into the next life, I know you will by my side, with love as precious as Silver and Gold.

Yours forever,

Michelle

xoxo

Five Things I Will Never Understand About Halloween

1. Halloween costumes that feature the photo slash name of the entity it represents. A Ninja Turtle does not wear a green bib that says "Ninja Turtle"

2. How my body can metabolize 4 kilos of halloween candy.

3. The mystical quality/ magic ingredient that makes Cheezies so irresistable

4. How ANYONE can look me in the eye and tell me they don't love the video for "Thriller"

5. Why this glorious day comes no more than once a year

I Hope Someone Throws Up In His Face On Halloween

And in our newest "White Trash Fabulous" line, here is Tucker modelling the rib-tickling Suicide Bomber costume. Paired with the Saudi headdress, the plush dynamite and detonator will be sure to "blow away" the neighbors this trick-or-treating season.

Next up, how you can stitch together a wedding dress in minutes using disassembled maxi pads! It's a bargain hunters dream, period!