Asshole Seeks Same

One of my favourite activities is searching Craigslist for... anything. I've recently discovered that the personals offer the most interesting listings. A sample, complete with Asshole-to-English translation:

seeking older, attached & or neglected - 44 (south)

I'm attached and am looking for an encounter with an attached/neglected woman. Your needs & beauty have been ignored and I'm the one to make you feel like the woman you are. Your age isn't too important but would prefer between 30 - 55...of course this isn't written in stone. I'm clean, safe, attentive & affectionate.and want to please you in anyway you desire. Of course there will be NSA...but if you would like to make it an occasional event, that would be fine too. I'm 6'tall, 165lbs, attractive and in good shape. DISCRETION IS EXPECTED & ASSURED

(Translation: Pussy. Any age. No offers turned down).

very exciting to have real women for love (calgary)

honest , seriouce , funny , easy going , friendly , open minded , i love trying new things ,watch movies , traveling , sport .... i do like see news in morning ,with coffee , i do belive in love built on truth and trust , i am very exciting to heard from you if you are interested , if not plz accepte all my respect and have wonderfull times

(Translation: Fuck me. Stay for breakfast).

Do you want to sell me your panties - 24 (U of C area)
I have a huuuge panty fetish. I'd like to purchase a pair. I'd like them to be well-worn, strongly scented, and wet. I'll pay $50/pair. I'm actually a very normal guy but where else can I satisfy a fetish like this. I'm a normal grad student, very polite and respectful. I'd like you to be reasonably fit and attractive. After all, I will be thinking of you when I go home!
(Translation: Fucking yikes).

Toronto Banana Boy Coming To Town - 38 (Toronto To Calgary)

(Translation: Moving on....)

New to pussy - m4mw - 20 (Calgary)

Hey im a gay male but i wanna try pussy with a couple i got pics plz get back thanx

(Translation: Holes wanted).

looking for a date tonite - 34 (sw)

my buddy's b-day tonite and looking for a date nsa just looking for some female company blind dates r awsome im 6 foot 190 lbs bald nice build tattoos peircings anyway reply back my name is B.J and the sooner the better

(Translation: Bitch, you better reply to me now so I can slap you around a bit before dinner).

Mental Problems-23, SouthEast
I have all sorts of problems, such as being insecure, fat, ugly, balding, and (generally speaking) I am a total failure at life. I'd make a lousy companion, as I won't do anything nice for you, and I don't give a fuck aboot your problems. I'm an asshole and will be more than happy to make you feel bad aboot yourself if it makes me feel better. Your pic gets mine.

(Translation: Not needed. This guy is obviously the cream of the crop. Like, for realsies. Bitches always be complainin' about guys who can't make them laugh. Jump on this one, ladies).

And finally, my absolute favourite:

like to suck pipe? - 30 (north calgary)

looking for chicks that like to get high and have sex with strangers -- i supply you service

(Translation: Better start picking out the wedding china).

Better Put On a Pot of Coffee, This Might Take a While

Like many of you, my life has been slowly eroding before my eyes. Swine flu, recession woes, global warming, anal leakage... It all eats away at our quality of life.

But now, we see a light at the end of the tunnel. Your favourite hooker-assaulting, meth-smoking TV pitchman, Vince Shlomi is back. Forget that crusty old bitch ShamWOW!, because the Slap Chop will survive in the historical archives marked 'Zeitgeist' for centuries to come.

I am honoured to present the first (I'm In Parentheses) screening of Vince Shlomi's Slap Chop. Enjoy.

3

2

1




Let's forget for a moment that this product hasn't existed for 17 years. Let's also forget that this product is so useless that we've each used this product exactly once in these past 17 years.

Instead, let us please turn our attention to the human embodiment of the divine that is Vince.

Where do I even fucking start?

"All day long, you're going to be slapping our troubles away." This is a pretty substantial statement, especially in light of Vince's recent assault on a prostitute by means of punching and... slapping. And though I feel that the obvious allusion to masturbation is far too lowbrow for this blog, I will nonetheless make reference to it.

I also love Vince's blessed advice to us all: "Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life." Now, I haven't received my Liberal Arts degree YET, but since it is less than a year away from completion, I feel I am qualified to offer my literary assessment. This. is. poetry.
Not since Ezra Pound has the essence of the human experience been captured in so few words.

In closing, let us remember that if Vince can do it with one finger, we can do it with our whole hand.
Just keep slappin' away.

Lap Jockey, Take Two

Is it just me, or does this REALLY look like Katherine Hepburn? Not even like young K. Hep, but the Kathy we know from On Golden Pond? Was she still getting it regular at that age?

Anyway, I digress.

I've become increasingly fascinated with these ads-- they all seem to follow the same formula:

*Clean (aka caucasian middle-class) 'girl' to tempt the unsheathed member.
*Hold on there, cowboy!
*Revelation of sluttishness and disease.
*The more you know

Also-- "prophylaxis"? Is this the state of being equipped with slash wearing a prophylactic? It kind of sounds like some weird German sex fetish involving choking on a condom.

In other news, Kittens.

That's A Pretty Big 'But'.......

Watch out sailor... She's not what she appears. Don't be fooled by the starched white collar or perfectly coiffed pageboy hair. Ignore the saint-like ethereal glow that seems to be emanating from her very soul. She's a lap-jockey, and when she goes slumming, a rubber is the farthest thing from her mind.
She's Frenchified, and she'll destroy you and everything you hold dear. She is the Communism of sex.