Listed, Fisted.

Bandwagon jumper? Heck yes, I am.

I have been collecting these cherished moments all year long, writing them out on handmade paper and storing them in a treasure box under my bed just for this very occasion. I certainly didn't pull them out of my ass on December 23rd, and wrote them in 20 minutes while watching "A Christmas Story" and wondering where my life went wrong.

As is my custom on this blog and in my life, I will veer away from relevant current events and draw from my own experiences. Self-indulgent. I know. You love me anyways.

1. Top vacation destination of 2009:

Grande Prairie

2.Top shoplifted item of 2009:

Grande Prairie

3. Top summertime memory of 2009:

Writing brilliant (but largely unappreciated) haikus for the catastrophe team at a large Dutch insurance company for whom I worked. Clearly, the term 'work' is a catch-all term for dicking around for 8.5 hours a day.

4. Top health scare of 2009:

The huge zit on my chin that my mom thought might be cervical cancer.

5. Top friend-fight of 2009:

When Tara got offended that I called her deceased mother a ho.

6. Top educational pursuit of 2009:

Trying (and succeeding!) to teach myself how to whistle. Poorly.

7. Top misunderstood song lyrics of 2009:

When I thought that the Kings of Leon wrote a hit song about Alexisonfire.

8. Top philanthropic gesture of 2009:

The luxurious household furnishings that I sold to charity at a moderately discounted price.

9. Top blog I contributed to in 2009:

Sure as fuck not this one.

May your season be filled with joy, laughter, cheer, and Boney M.

Ms. Claus

Happy Holidays to my favourite bitches.

I love you all, in many very different ways. But they're all sexual.

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Freckled Misfortune

I weep for you, Little Red.

When I look into your hopeful and mentally unsound gaze, I can see into your future. What does tomorrow hold for you, you ask? Well, I'll tell you, but you're not gonna like it.

The unfulfilled dreams that will come to be the defining theme of your adulthood will makes themselves known on this very special Christmas.

You see, Little Red, you're not going to get that Schwinn. Not even close. The most exciting gift you'll get this Christmas is the noctural emission that you will experience Christmas Eve. From there, it's all downhill. Not just during Christmas. For the rest of your life.

Though you will go to college, you will spend the majority of your time getting nosebleeds and being taunted for your red pubic hair by precocious co-eds.

This trend of utter failure to gain acceptance by women (or society in general) will lead you to become a cantankerous old codger who calls the cable company to complain about the lack of a Channel One.

RIP Hopeful Little Red.