Listed, Fisted.

Bandwagon jumper? Heck yes, I am.

I have been collecting these cherished moments all year long, writing them out on handmade paper and storing them in a treasure box under my bed just for this very occasion. I certainly didn't pull them out of my ass on December 23rd, and wrote them in 20 minutes while watching "A Christmas Story" and wondering where my life went wrong.

As is my custom on this blog and in my life, I will veer away from relevant current events and draw from my own experiences. Self-indulgent. I know. You love me anyways.

1. Top vacation destination of 2009:

Grande Prairie

2.Top shoplifted item of 2009:

Grande Prairie

3. Top summertime memory of 2009:

Writing brilliant (but largely unappreciated) haikus for the catastrophe team at a large Dutch insurance company for whom I worked. Clearly, the term 'work' is a catch-all term for dicking around for 8.5 hours a day.

4. Top health scare of 2009:

The huge zit on my chin that my mom thought might be cervical cancer.

5. Top friend-fight of 2009:

When Tara got offended that I called her deceased mother a ho.

6. Top educational pursuit of 2009:

Trying (and succeeding!) to teach myself how to whistle. Poorly.

7. Top misunderstood song lyrics of 2009:

When I thought that the Kings of Leon wrote a hit song about Alexisonfire.

8. Top philanthropic gesture of 2009:

The luxurious household furnishings that I sold to charity at a moderately discounted price.

9. Top blog I contributed to in 2009:

Sure as fuck not this one.

May your season be filled with joy, laughter, cheer, and Boney M.

21 Things People Hate About Me

"Michelle, why are you such an insufferable bitch?"

This is a question I'm often asked, by friends and strangers, by clergy and laypersons, by the young and decrepit alike. It's been one of the great mysteries of my life-- How could you hate me? ME! As is typical of my personality (and number 14 on the list) I've decided to compile a list.

1. I am a biblio-snob of the worst sort. Twilight? Bitch, please. I wouldn't be caught dead with that book in my hand.


2. I crack my bones.


3. I wear (forbidden!) outside shoes at the gym.


4. I ask questions that are absolutely none of my business.


5. I sing along in the car to every single song. I'm a terrible singer, too. This is not modesty, either. I am truly terrible. It's why I love kareoke so much.


6. I love opening my mouth and showing people half-eaten food.


7. I always grab my friend's cigarettes and insist on lighting them. The first drag is always the best, anyway. The rest is just anticlimax.


8. I openly mock those who use poor grammar.


9. I roll my eyes about 5 dozen times per day.


10. I love the movie "Drop Dead Gorgeous".


11. I have a super-humanly strong sense of smell, and I will tell you if you stink.


12. I always whine that I want a pot-bellied pig. Apparently they get really big. Whatever.


13. I compulsively buy stationery. Pens are a particular problem.


14. I compile lists incessantly.


15. I become obsessed with things very intensely, and I devour every piece of information I can find on the subject.


16. I refuse to watch The Godfather.


17. I love watching strangers eat really messy food. Shawarmas= hilarious.


18. Anything that comes out of my purse smells and tastes like perfume. Mints, gum, etc.


19. I rarely finish a drink. I just drink 75% of it, and either give up or get a new one.


20. I cannot (CANNOT) sit at a restaurant without hanging a spoon off my nose.


21. I fully expect you to adore me for the above idiosynchracies.

Things I Hate (With Only One Justification)

1. Girls who pose in pictures as Charlie's Angels.

2. Books that are entitled "Confessions of (anything)"

3. Outhouses

4. Rosie o'Donnell

5.When girls say that their significant other "treats me like a princess". Cringe. Your lack of creativity in defining your relationship suggests that your love is as cliched and meaningless as the phrase itself.

6. Non-stick pans which turn out to be something other than non-stick.

7. Unwashed mullets.

8. Washed mullets.