Oh, This? It's Just a Pamphlet on Existentialism

I like to support small business when I can. If I need to buy a book, I try to find it at local, independantly-owned bookstores. But occasionally, I find myself in the mouth of the beast... Chapters. (Shout out to my sister Sarah-Hi! Please don't let this stop you from buying me gift cards for books!)

I guess I've been away too long, becuase on my most recept trip I found some new and curious section headers.

I come from a time (and a sensibility) in which books are categorized into such genres as Self-Help, Gardening, Wellness, Travel, Cooking, Fiction and Literature (yes, they ARE different), and so on.

So you can imagine my surprise upon discovering:

Human Resources!

American cuisine too exciting for your palate? Try... Canadian Cooking!

Need some mid-grade quality parchment with which to wipe your ass? Why not check out... James Patterson!Wait, wait, wait. That last one is fake, right. Right??

Oh. It's real. I see.

We're all fucked.

Thankfully, I have acquired a list of exciting new genres coming soon to a Chapters near you:

• Sweatpants!
• Armenian Baking!
• Meercat Husbandry!
• Pogo-Ball Maintenance!
• Do-It Yourself REM Sleeping!

If you need me, I'll be in Hermaphrodite Erotica.

Things I Hate: Office Edition

I know you feel me on these, darlings. Let's hate together. Let's love hating together. Naked.

• Grown women who covet stuffed animals.
• Related: Grown women who display stuffed animals and cutesy figurines at their desk. This is not going to get you a husband, girls. And while you're at it, get rid of the plushies from your bedroom, too. Nothing tells a man "Run like the wind" quite like staring into Nemo's dead, plastic eyes while plowing the HR girl.
• The office douche-anova. If I don't fall all over you on my first day, I must be a lesbian. Or, pardon me, 'carpet muncher'.
• When someone finds it perfectly acceptable to let me listen to their diarrhea-induced anal squirts and gurgles. Have a little shame, people. And please-- don't grunt.
  
• The ever-present Asshole with a Bluetooth.
• When management-types say things like: "Getting our ducks in a row", "Playing a little catch-up","Let's touch base", and "Coming down the pipeline".
• Self-righteous kitchen notes. I know my mother doesn't work here, bitch. I left my mug in the sink because I'm fucking lazy.
  

Also-- that's not coffee. That's liquid apathy.

Things I Hate (With Only One Justification)

1. Girls who pose in pictures as Charlie's Angels.

2. Books that are entitled "Confessions of (anything)"

3. Outhouses

4. Rosie o'Donnell

5.When girls say that their significant other "treats me like a princess". Cringe. Your lack of creativity in defining your relationship suggests that your love is as cliched and meaningless as the phrase itself.

6. Non-stick pans which turn out to be something other than non-stick.

7. Unwashed mullets.

8. Washed mullets.