And He Always Wants to Control the Tunes

I long for the days before we, as a culture, harnessed the power of subliminal messages.

This offering, designed to encourage the conservation of precious fuel for the war effort, could not be more liminal. It's the advertising equivalent of printing your message on a length of 2x4 and wallopping your intended audience with it in the face.

I love how sad Hitler looks- he clearly has so many other things to do! "Ich told you to take the 508! Das highway is always bottlenecked at rush hour! Scheisse!"

Faded Beauty, Faded Dreams

It ain't easy being a dime-dancer. Fellas coppin' a feel wherever they please, stinkin' of whiskey and trouble. When I left the farm, Mama told me about the city, she told me "Bootise, you ain't never gonna make it in that big town!" But I had myself a dream. I's gonna be the star of the stage. They's was all gonna come from miles around, just to hear me sing and watch my twinklin' toes dance all over that stage.

But Mama was right. I shouldda listened to her, and stay put at the farm. Ain't no one in this town wants to hire a chubby farm girl. They all tells me "You're too damn fat!" and they're right.

So now, I keep my figure down. I work at the Swingin' Pigeon, givin' it away for a measly dime. I still get to dance, and I really shouldna be complainin'. But I just gets hungry. I gets so hungry.

Where's The Fava Beans?

Somebody get this girl something to eat, stat. I must point out that she is actually not looking at the bread, but at Mommy's meaty paws.

And I'm not sure why, but she kind of reminds me of Kirsten Dunst. Maybe it's the sociopathic desperation in her eyes.

Golly! A Weenie Roast!

This is a post-WWII short film in which a creepy man's disembodied voice instructs teenagers on how to be popular.
Highlights:

• Homoeroticism
• Nutrition deficiency resulting in confusion surrounding scarves vs. mittens
• Young girls answering the phone like 80-year old women
• Sluts with pointy breasts
• Phallic imagery
• Teen Town (?!?)
• Affirmation of established gender roles
• Financial instability
• Blanco-centric social values

Enjoy, my darling bitches!

Note: This is (I'm In Parentheses)'s first-ever video edit. Why didn't anyone tell me it was so difficult? I hate you all.

NAW!! Just kidding, I love you all! Especially you.

Thy Will Be Done, But After Ours

In my meanderings of the interweb, I recently came across a piece of U.S history—words spoken by General Patton. Bad, rainy weather had immobalized his troops, and he decided to call upon higher powers to intercede.

General Patton: “Chaplain, I want you to publish a prayer for good weather. I’m tired of these soldiers having to fight mood and floods as well as Germans. See if we can’t get God to work on our side.”

The resulting prayer, which was distributed by the U.S. Army with Patton’s Christmas greetings, called upon God
“to restrain these immoderate rains with which we have had to contend. Grant us fair weather for Battle. Graciously harken to us as soldiers who call upon Thee that, armed with Thy power, we may advance from victory to victory, and crush the oppression and wickedness of our enemies, and establish Thy justice among men and nations. Amen”.

Translation:

Hey, God! We’re trying to win. Please stop the rain, which you, in your infinite wisdom, have decided to bless us with. We arm ourselves with your power, and AK47’s. Bazookas too, but mostly your power. Your power is soooooo powerful. It’s so powerful, it can create rain to water our crops and nourish our cattle so that we can eat and drink and survive. But stop the rain. Pretty please. We fight in your name, and in your name we pray, please stop exerting your power. Your will be done. Please conform to our will. Love, Us.

Lap Jockey, Take Two

Is it just me, or does this REALLY look like Katherine Hepburn? Not even like young K. Hep, but the Kathy we know from On Golden Pond? Was she still getting it regular at that age?

Anyway, I digress.

I've become increasingly fascinated with these ads-- they all seem to follow the same formula:

*Clean (aka caucasian middle-class) 'girl' to tempt the unsheathed member.
*Hold on there, cowboy!
*Revelation of sluttishness and disease.
*The more you know

Also-- "prophylaxis"? Is this the state of being equipped with slash wearing a prophylactic? It kind of sounds like some weird German sex fetish involving choking on a condom.

In other news, Kittens.