Glamorous Wedding FAIL

I love the kid on the left. He's so fucking over this shit.

This image inspires so many questions. Which one is the groom? Is it post-syphyllitic Henry VIII in the upper left hand corner? Or perhaps the toothsome Larry Flynt impersonator in the tux next to the bride?

At least we don't have to play this guessing game to find the bridesmaids. The lovely, virginal handmaids kneeling on either side of the blushing bride are clearly taking their duties very seriously.

What I wouldn't give to have been a fly on the wall during the first consultation with the wedding planner: "Ok, for your wedding, I see..... plague-era London! Hooded tunics, codpieces, doublets and calf boots as far as the eye can see! And hats? Oh, heavens, yes! Above all, hats!"

Even the people dressed normally have gotten it all wrong. Over on the right, Uncle Bruce's jacket sleeves are trying to crawl out of frame.

Tip: If you're going to have a theme wedding, make it something like "We'd really prefer monetary gifts" or "Everyone settles... eventually".

Photo

Craigslist: Take Two.

Here we go again. This is gonna be wet and wild. May I suggest a diaper?

Lonely, depressed, need feminine touch - 22
Tall, handsome, highly unique personality, but I'm lonely and depressed. I need a woman in my life to inspire me. Drink of my masculine energy, it is the + to your -

(Translation: I'm crazy. Swallowers only).

no pissin around
no i dont want a chat friend. no i dont want to get to know you over the internet. im looking for a woman who just wants to meet a nice guy. yes im good looking, yes im self sufficient and yes im looking for an attractive girl who wants to have dinner and see if theres sparks. nothing lost- nothing gained i do not respond to e-mails with out your photo. dont wast my time and i wont wast yours.

(Translation: I'm bettr than you. If you're not gorgeous and perfect, you're a time wastr).

Seeking inexp lady for LTR - 32 (downtown)
Hi, this may seem like an odd request...however i would love to find a gal that is fairly unexperienced with men. She should be any age, enjoy going out for a night of town, and looking for someone that is interested in an ongoing thing if all works out. The thought of being able to mould a perfect lover is something that interests me...

(Ya. This is a really shocking request. You want to nail a virgin. Welcome to being male).

Good Looking Guys Seeks Female Midget (Calgary)
Hello Little People of Calgary, You'd better beleive that you are in for a treat! I'm a very attractive and ambitious man (mid twenties) and I am genuinely interested in getting to know you. Your Qualifications: -Must enjoy wine & dancing -Like trying new experiences and learning about new culture -Must be fun and easy going -Capable of carying intelligent conversation -Under the age of 35 -4'10" or shorter only! About Me: -Positive, spontaneous, smart, and fun. -Irresistible charm I guarantee you that you will go crazy over me (and, in the event that I kind of enjoy you too, we will get along wonderfully).


(Translation: Let me throw you around, then call you 'midget' till you cry. You'd better beleive I will!)

Not Interested - 23
Don't reply to this ad, or read it for that matter. I'm not your sugar daddy, and I have no interest in 'hook-ups' (as the cool kids say) or whatever. Just looking for someone to talk with right now, and possibly more if we 'click'. Anyone with a BMI >25 need not apply. No prostitutes.
(How did Mr. Charisma last this long without being snatched up? I'm sure his mother has no idea, either).

Looking for lady to ride with me - 46 (Calgary)
I am planning a motorcycle trip this weekend. Need a female passenger to keep me company Destination is open for discussion.

(Tranlsation: Get on my bike. Don't ask questions. This rope might seem a little snug, but you'll get used to it. Ok, now you're asking questions. I've got duct tape in here somewhere...)

BEND OVER FOR Che Guevara - 31 (Calgary)
The nation of Iran is going through so much turmoil, freedom fighters are marching in, crowds are singing , history in making, you have seen it on TV now it is your turn to join history, immortalize yourself: I am an Iranian guy who can not join the revolution, neither can I participate in joyous beatings , I am full of energy and move and yet ... I think it helps if I fuck a random pussy , I think I will able to concentrate more on strategic tactics afterward. So join the revolution, now or never, you don't get many chances like this in your otherwise dull life. By fucking me, you have indeed fucked the representative of a whole lot of revolutionaries, I am your fucking Che Guara.

(Translation: Not needed. Refreshing honesty is more than appreciated).

This boy needs you..... - 30 (Calgary)
Hello Ladies.... I am a cute Teddybear, so luvable and so down to earth. I am looking for someone to hang with on those downer dayz and see where it takes us? Maybe a quiet movie in or out??? Maybe go for some drinks??? Maybe go for a stroll??? Maybe we'll jus hug for a long long time??? I am looking for you... I don't care if your big or small, short or tall, What your age is, or what your ethnicity is. Who is gonna bite on this ad??? Anyone out there???

(Tranlsation: My mom kicked me out, so you have to be just like her. We don't have to have sex every week, do we? Can't we just hold hands? I love you! Hugs! More hugs! Snuggles! Hey, where are you going? Why are you running so fast? I NEED you!)

lick my ass - 56
Looking for a girl who's willing to lick my ass after taking a big crap. It's a weird fetish I have.

(Translation: I ran out of toilet paper).

Cybersex Transcript

via Hokie

Enjoy.

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?

BritneySpears14: Aight.

bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.

BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.

bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.

BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.

bloodninja: Me too baby.

BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.

bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.

BritneySpears14: Hey...

bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.

BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.

bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.

BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.

bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me b!%c#, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.

BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of $#!%.

bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?

Freckled Misfortune

I weep for you, Little Red.

When I look into your hopeful and mentally unsound gaze, I can see into your future. What does tomorrow hold for you, you ask? Well, I'll tell you, but you're not gonna like it.

The unfulfilled dreams that will come to be the defining theme of your adulthood will makes themselves known on this very special Christmas.

You see, Little Red, you're not going to get that Schwinn. Not even close. The most exciting gift you'll get this Christmas is the noctural emission that you will experience Christmas Eve. From there, it's all downhill. Not just during Christmas. For the rest of your life.

Though you will go to college, you will spend the majority of your time getting nosebleeds and being taunted for your red pubic hair by precocious co-eds.

This trend of utter failure to gain acceptance by women (or society in general) will lead you to become a cantankerous old codger who calls the cable company to complain about the lack of a Channel One.

RIP Hopeful Little Red.