No Water For Me, Thanks

Not having living during the era in which this was marketed, I naturally have questions. I have several questions.

1. Is this a joke?
2. How much does she pay for the storage locker where she keeps her intestines?
3. How was childbearing negotiated during this age? For that matter, how was conception negotiated?
4. Is the brand named "Erect Form" because, when the corset is off, the wearer topples over like a poorly designed PlayDoh sculpture?
5. No, really. Is this a joke?

I also must point out that this contraption was marketed as 'comfortable'. I have to agree on this, it does look comfortable. Then again, I sleep with bamboo shoots under my fingernails and knitting needles poked through my eyelids. Ahhhhh. So comfy. It feels just like snuggling with gramma.

A Little Tense

For Christ's sake, fella.... It's just coffee.

If you're gonna hit her, hit her for giving your boss a rusty trombone at the office Christmas party. Jesus.

Craigslist: Take Two.

Here we go again. This is gonna be wet and wild. May I suggest a diaper?

Lonely, depressed, need feminine touch - 22
Tall, handsome, highly unique personality, but I'm lonely and depressed. I need a woman in my life to inspire me. Drink of my masculine energy, it is the + to your -

(Translation: I'm crazy. Swallowers only).

no pissin around
no i dont want a chat friend. no i dont want to get to know you over the internet. im looking for a woman who just wants to meet a nice guy. yes im good looking, yes im self sufficient and yes im looking for an attractive girl who wants to have dinner and see if theres sparks. nothing lost- nothing gained i do not respond to e-mails with out your photo. dont wast my time and i wont wast yours.

(Translation: I'm bettr than you. If you're not gorgeous and perfect, you're a time wastr).

Seeking inexp lady for LTR - 32 (downtown)
Hi, this may seem like an odd request...however i would love to find a gal that is fairly unexperienced with men. She should be any age, enjoy going out for a night of town, and looking for someone that is interested in an ongoing thing if all works out. The thought of being able to mould a perfect lover is something that interests me...

(Ya. This is a really shocking request. You want to nail a virgin. Welcome to being male).

Good Looking Guys Seeks Female Midget (Calgary)
Hello Little People of Calgary, You'd better beleive that you are in for a treat! I'm a very attractive and ambitious man (mid twenties) and I am genuinely interested in getting to know you. Your Qualifications: -Must enjoy wine & dancing -Like trying new experiences and learning about new culture -Must be fun and easy going -Capable of carying intelligent conversation -Under the age of 35 -4'10" or shorter only! About Me: -Positive, spontaneous, smart, and fun. -Irresistible charm I guarantee you that you will go crazy over me (and, in the event that I kind of enjoy you too, we will get along wonderfully).


(Translation: Let me throw you around, then call you 'midget' till you cry. You'd better beleive I will!)

Not Interested - 23
Don't reply to this ad, or read it for that matter. I'm not your sugar daddy, and I have no interest in 'hook-ups' (as the cool kids say) or whatever. Just looking for someone to talk with right now, and possibly more if we 'click'. Anyone with a BMI >25 need not apply. No prostitutes.
(How did Mr. Charisma last this long without being snatched up? I'm sure his mother has no idea, either).

Looking for lady to ride with me - 46 (Calgary)
I am planning a motorcycle trip this weekend. Need a female passenger to keep me company Destination is open for discussion.

(Tranlsation: Get on my bike. Don't ask questions. This rope might seem a little snug, but you'll get used to it. Ok, now you're asking questions. I've got duct tape in here somewhere...)

BEND OVER FOR Che Guevara - 31 (Calgary)
The nation of Iran is going through so much turmoil, freedom fighters are marching in, crowds are singing , history in making, you have seen it on TV now it is your turn to join history, immortalize yourself: I am an Iranian guy who can not join the revolution, neither can I participate in joyous beatings , I am full of energy and move and yet ... I think it helps if I fuck a random pussy , I think I will able to concentrate more on strategic tactics afterward. So join the revolution, now or never, you don't get many chances like this in your otherwise dull life. By fucking me, you have indeed fucked the representative of a whole lot of revolutionaries, I am your fucking Che Guara.

(Translation: Not needed. Refreshing honesty is more than appreciated).

This boy needs you..... - 30 (Calgary)
Hello Ladies.... I am a cute Teddybear, so luvable and so down to earth. I am looking for someone to hang with on those downer dayz and see where it takes us? Maybe a quiet movie in or out??? Maybe go for some drinks??? Maybe go for a stroll??? Maybe we'll jus hug for a long long time??? I am looking for you... I don't care if your big or small, short or tall, What your age is, or what your ethnicity is. Who is gonna bite on this ad??? Anyone out there???

(Tranlsation: My mom kicked me out, so you have to be just like her. We don't have to have sex every week, do we? Can't we just hold hands? I love you! Hugs! More hugs! Snuggles! Hey, where are you going? Why are you running so fast? I NEED you!)

lick my ass - 56
Looking for a girl who's willing to lick my ass after taking a big crap. It's a weird fetish I have.

(Translation: I ran out of toilet paper).

Asshole Seeks Same

One of my favourite activities is searching Craigslist for... anything. I've recently discovered that the personals offer the most interesting listings. A sample, complete with Asshole-to-English translation:

seeking older, attached & or neglected - 44 (south)

I'm attached and am looking for an encounter with an attached/neglected woman. Your needs & beauty have been ignored and I'm the one to make you feel like the woman you are. Your age isn't too important but would prefer between 30 - 55...of course this isn't written in stone. I'm clean, safe, attentive & affectionate.and want to please you in anyway you desire. Of course there will be NSA...but if you would like to make it an occasional event, that would be fine too. I'm 6'tall, 165lbs, attractive and in good shape. DISCRETION IS EXPECTED & ASSURED

(Translation: Pussy. Any age. No offers turned down).

very exciting to have real women for love (calgary)

honest , seriouce , funny , easy going , friendly , open minded , i love trying new things ,watch movies , traveling , sport .... i do like see news in morning ,with coffee , i do belive in love built on truth and trust , i am very exciting to heard from you if you are interested , if not plz accepte all my respect and have wonderfull times

(Translation: Fuck me. Stay for breakfast).

Do you want to sell me your panties - 24 (U of C area)
I have a huuuge panty fetish. I'd like to purchase a pair. I'd like them to be well-worn, strongly scented, and wet. I'll pay $50/pair. I'm actually a very normal guy but where else can I satisfy a fetish like this. I'm a normal grad student, very polite and respectful. I'd like you to be reasonably fit and attractive. After all, I will be thinking of you when I go home!
(Translation: Fucking yikes).

Toronto Banana Boy Coming To Town - 38 (Toronto To Calgary)

(Translation: Moving on....)

New to pussy - m4mw - 20 (Calgary)

Hey im a gay male but i wanna try pussy with a couple i got pics plz get back thanx

(Translation: Holes wanted).

looking for a date tonite - 34 (sw)

my buddy's b-day tonite and looking for a date nsa just looking for some female company blind dates r awsome im 6 foot 190 lbs bald nice build tattoos peircings anyway reply back my name is B.J and the sooner the better

(Translation: Bitch, you better reply to me now so I can slap you around a bit before dinner).

Mental Problems-23, SouthEast
I have all sorts of problems, such as being insecure, fat, ugly, balding, and (generally speaking) I am a total failure at life. I'd make a lousy companion, as I won't do anything nice for you, and I don't give a fuck aboot your problems. I'm an asshole and will be more than happy to make you feel bad aboot yourself if it makes me feel better. Your pic gets mine.

(Translation: Not needed. This guy is obviously the cream of the crop. Like, for realsies. Bitches always be complainin' about guys who can't make them laugh. Jump on this one, ladies).

And finally, my absolute favourite:

like to suck pipe? - 30 (north calgary)

looking for chicks that like to get high and have sex with strangers -- i supply you service

(Translation: Better start picking out the wedding china).

My Blood Is Your Blood

During a search for vintage advertisements and magazine articles (a burning interest of mine), I came across this ad. It can only be described as a masterpiece of 50's style misogyny, served on an avocado-green melmac platter.Please indulge me by considering the following:

You poor son of a bitch.

How DO you manage every month? I'll bet during all that cramping and irritability, she doesn't even have the energy to make you your weekday dinner of a full beef roast with all the trimmings. Broads. They always complain the loudest.

Note how miserable this guy looks. Furrowed brow, excessive head-turning. He radiates the melancholy of a man whose whites aren't quite their whitest, and whose drawers weren't starched OR ironed. Lazy bitch.

One can just imagine the after-dinner conversation down at the Lodge:

"..... some new-fangled ailment called PMS. Why, just last week, Bob and Vera down the street separated. Now, you didn`t hear it from me, but word is that he had put up with one too many of her monthly 'temper tantrums'. Sure he`s been nailing every secretary this side of the Mason-Dixon line, but it`s no excuse for her to snap her dishtowel in anger and storm out of the room. These childish outbursts are exactly what us fellas DON`T need after 7 hours at the office. When we come home, we like to have our dinner hot, our children quiet, and our wives emotionally repressed. It`s the American way. Feelings are for communists.

Thank God she saw the ad for Femicin in Photoplay, no more of that moody business. Now she`s back to acting like the woman I married. Heh heh heh, without the cherry of course. Another bourboun, fellas?"