Choosy Moms Place Faith in Junk Science

"How soon is too soon? Not soon enough."

Mothers who love their children pour cola down their throats. And there's no such thing as too soon. Douche with it. Mix it with rum on the night of conception. Fry up the afterbirth, stick it on some rye bread and wash it all down with a Coke.

Apparently children who drink cola at an early age are more popular and are in for a "lifetime of guaranteed happiness". An outrageous claim, to be sure, but it's based on evidence collected by the Soda Pop Board of America, so you know it's non-biased.

So if you care about the future of your child, force some of the bubbly brown down his throat and make the little bastard gargle with it until his teeth fall out.

Asshole Seeks Same

One of my favourite activities is searching Craigslist for... anything. I've recently discovered that the personals offer the most interesting listings. A sample, complete with Asshole-to-English translation:

seeking older, attached & or neglected - 44 (south)

I'm attached and am looking for an encounter with an attached/neglected woman. Your needs & beauty have been ignored and I'm the one to make you feel like the woman you are. Your age isn't too important but would prefer between 30 - 55...of course this isn't written in stone. I'm clean, safe, attentive & affectionate.and want to please you in anyway you desire. Of course there will be NSA...but if you would like to make it an occasional event, that would be fine too. I'm 6'tall, 165lbs, attractive and in good shape. DISCRETION IS EXPECTED & ASSURED

(Translation: Pussy. Any age. No offers turned down).

very exciting to have real women for love (calgary)

honest , seriouce , funny , easy going , friendly , open minded , i love trying new things ,watch movies , traveling , sport .... i do like see news in morning ,with coffee , i do belive in love built on truth and trust , i am very exciting to heard from you if you are interested , if not plz accepte all my respect and have wonderfull times

(Translation: Fuck me. Stay for breakfast).

Do you want to sell me your panties - 24 (U of C area)
I have a huuuge panty fetish. I'd like to purchase a pair. I'd like them to be well-worn, strongly scented, and wet. I'll pay $50/pair. I'm actually a very normal guy but where else can I satisfy a fetish like this. I'm a normal grad student, very polite and respectful. I'd like you to be reasonably fit and attractive. After all, I will be thinking of you when I go home!
(Translation: Fucking yikes).

Toronto Banana Boy Coming To Town - 38 (Toronto To Calgary)

(Translation: Moving on....)

New to pussy - m4mw - 20 (Calgary)

Hey im a gay male but i wanna try pussy with a couple i got pics plz get back thanx

(Translation: Holes wanted).

looking for a date tonite - 34 (sw)

my buddy's b-day tonite and looking for a date nsa just looking for some female company blind dates r awsome im 6 foot 190 lbs bald nice build tattoos peircings anyway reply back my name is B.J and the sooner the better

(Translation: Bitch, you better reply to me now so I can slap you around a bit before dinner).

Mental Problems-23, SouthEast
I have all sorts of problems, such as being insecure, fat, ugly, balding, and (generally speaking) I am a total failure at life. I'd make a lousy companion, as I won't do anything nice for you, and I don't give a fuck aboot your problems. I'm an asshole and will be more than happy to make you feel bad aboot yourself if it makes me feel better. Your pic gets mine.

(Translation: Not needed. This guy is obviously the cream of the crop. Like, for realsies. Bitches always be complainin' about guys who can't make them laugh. Jump on this one, ladies).

And finally, my absolute favourite:

like to suck pipe? - 30 (north calgary)

looking for chicks that like to get high and have sex with strangers -- i supply you service

(Translation: Better start picking out the wedding china).

There's a Yeast Joke In Here Somewhere...

Did you know-- a lot of brown bread is just white bread coloured brown?

All kinds of people are doing it!





I miss the good old days when it was perfectly natural to sexualize baking.

Unsettling As It Gets

I'll just give you the gist of this one:

1. Husband locks wife out of the bedroom due to her smelly snatch.

2. Divorce papers are drawn up.

3. Don't let this happen to you. Douche with Lysol.

4. Smell gone.

5. Happily ever after.

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A Few of My Favorite Words

Precision, emprisioned, nihilist, masticate, emancipate, ecumenical, she-male, rescind, pontificate, occipital, crusade, rhetoric, correlation, tongue, autumn, olfactory, exemplify, empirical, imperial, fever, scrumptious, modifier, tablet, sexualized, maple, immigrant, summation, indecent, Chaucer, forensic, patriarchal, auger, esoteric, sublime, transcendant, allele, fortitude, supplement, linament, emancipate, matrix, reconcile, hustler, memoir, villify, sanctity, annihilate, swell, dextrous, prostrate, ambivalent, ho-bag.

Also, I HATE when people randomly use the word disestablishmentarianism. What are you trying to prove?

But my favorite word of all time?

douchebaggery: [dus-bAEgEri] the state of being, or the activity of acting like a douche. Fr. douche, as v., to cleanse one's vagina by means of a nozzled apparatus. As n., an object consisting of a nozzle attached to a bag, containing fluids which cleanse the inner and outer vaginal area.

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Really? Because if a guy did this to me, I would punch him in the dick.

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