Things I Hate: Office Edition

I know you feel me on these, darlings. Let's hate together. Let's love hating together. Naked.

• Grown women who covet stuffed animals.
• Related: Grown women who display stuffed animals and cutesy figurines at their desk. This is not going to get you a husband, girls. And while you're at it, get rid of the plushies from your bedroom, too. Nothing tells a man "Run like the wind" quite like staring into Nemo's dead, plastic eyes while plowing the HR girl.
• The office douche-anova. If I don't fall all over you on my first day, I must be a lesbian. Or, pardon me, 'carpet muncher'.
• When someone finds it perfectly acceptable to let me listen to their diarrhea-induced anal squirts and gurgles. Have a little shame, people. And please-- don't grunt.
  
• The ever-present Asshole with a Bluetooth.
• When management-types say things like: "Getting our ducks in a row", "Playing a little catch-up","Let's touch base", and "Coming down the pipeline".
• Self-righteous kitchen notes. I know my mother doesn't work here, bitch. I left my mug in the sink because I'm fucking lazy.
  

Also-- that's not coffee. That's liquid apathy.

A Few of My Favorite Words

Precision, emprisioned, nihilist, masticate, emancipate, ecumenical, she-male, rescind, pontificate, occipital, crusade, rhetoric, correlation, tongue, autumn, olfactory, exemplify, empirical, imperial, fever, scrumptious, modifier, tablet, sexualized, maple, immigrant, summation, indecent, Chaucer, forensic, patriarchal, auger, esoteric, sublime, transcendant, allele, fortitude, supplement, linament, emancipate, matrix, reconcile, hustler, memoir, villify, sanctity, annihilate, swell, dextrous, prostrate, ambivalent, ho-bag.

Also, I HATE when people randomly use the word disestablishmentarianism. What are you trying to prove?

But my favorite word of all time?

douchebaggery: [dus-bAEgEri] the state of being, or the activity of acting like a douche. Fr. douche, as v., to cleanse one's vagina by means of a nozzled apparatus. As n., an object consisting of a nozzle attached to a bag, containing fluids which cleanse the inner and outer vaginal area.

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