Where The Buffalo Roam

My Dream House

Highlights:

-Library (no paperbacks, thank you) with a large writing desk mit blotter. Next to said desk are antique cut-crystal decanters filledwith scotch (namely Glenkinchie) and free flowing wine (Chateauneuf-du-Pape or even a nice Cotes du Rhone will do just fine). Oh yes, and a large globe. So fucking civilized.

-French country kitchen with marble-topped counters, fines herbes growing in a pot on the windowsill

-Manor-style four poster canopy bed

-Did I mention the wine and books?

(Sadly, I will never, ever get to own this gem located en Provence because I have chosen the underpaid profession of elementary school teacher. I will tenderly mould the soft brains of your over-indulged children, just so they can get hooked on crystal meth at 17 and move out with their 32 year-old boyfriend named Jason.)

Don't Shoot the Messenger

Or, shall I say "Preese, no shoot me, humbre Westerna man!!"




I know, right?!?!?! I love how this video has been assigned the tag 'Borderline Racist'. If this is borderline anything, it's the borderline between a Bob Hope stand-up routine and a typical Saturday night with the Klan.

I feel that I must bring attention to the fact that, while this ad ran in the 60's, I was born in 1981 and I can remember colouring with Crayola crayons which had colours named 'Indian Red' and 'Flesh' (that is to say, caucasian flesh. Obviously, they made the same mistake as those crazy Old Testament writers who confused skin with flesh. "Oy, what a mistake I've made!" says Rabbi Krustofski).

This abominaiton is actually *terribly* appropriate for me to have found today, because mere hours ago, I attended a lecture on Orientalism at my post-secondary home away from home.
Edward Said, this one's for you, big daddy.

(By the way, I'm pretty sure Poor Chinese-Type Baby's mother is Betty Rubble. I always knew she would leave Barney... I bet she caught him and Fred 'polishing' each other's 'bowling balls'.)

Lap Jockey, Take Two

Is it just me, or does this REALLY look like Katherine Hepburn? Not even like young K. Hep, but the Kathy we know from On Golden Pond? Was she still getting it regular at that age?

Anyway, I digress.

I've become increasingly fascinated with these ads-- they all seem to follow the same formula:

*Clean (aka caucasian middle-class) 'girl' to tempt the unsheathed member.
*Hold on there, cowboy!
*Revelation of sluttishness and disease.
*The more you know

Also-- "prophylaxis"? Is this the state of being equipped with slash wearing a prophylactic? It kind of sounds like some weird German sex fetish involving choking on a condom.

In other news, Kittens.

Thought of the Day

Hey, Winter!
Fuck you.

Just Released: Grapefruits are Awesome!

This infomercial has the same confusing, misplaced aggression as my current favourite, "ShamWOW!" .

Also, please note the 'Before' at the 0:57 mark... I'm pretty sure it's Mama Cass.

Why I Love St. Patrick's Day

1. Green in the new black.

2. Puke is the new yack.

3. Some of my favourite people are Irish.

4. Slutty girls at the bar rubbing up on guys all day long as if it were 1:30am.

5. Number 12 green food dye makes whoever you're talking with look like they just gave a sloppy BJ to the green CareBear. (I'm looking at you, McTeer).

6. Everyone busts out a story relating the purported Irish-ness of their lineage. "My uncle's third wife was married to an Irish guy".

7. Three words: Leprechauns are hung.

Hey, Predictive Text!

You fucking suck!

Or, if I hadn't corrected you, "Your ducking pucker"!

Over the years, I have had my phone in my pocket right next to my no-no bits, I've answered it post-coitus, and I've even sent a text message on the toilet.

But even with these levels of deep intimacy, I have yet to figure out the intricacies that make up my phone's predictive text function.
Ok, I'll admit it. I like to swear. A lot. perhaps it's not so much a fondness as a nervous tick. I digress.

When I choose to express my discontent for a grade I have received from my post-secondary professor, I feel that it is not some software application writer's decision how I express it.
No matter how you slice it, "That's apricgq haven't medication a ducking a!" just doesn't express my fury like "That asshair gave me a fucking B!".

Because, let's face it, folks, there is no such thing as an apricgq. They went extinct the same year as the entaidbag.

No one, nowhere, wants to "Dual" your "Aunt" all night long, nor are they interested in seeing your "Thus" shake like a "Solarmid" picture.

Sigh. I guess I'll just have to go back to Multi Tap.

That's what she said.

Photo Source

Good Ideas, Bad Ideas

Good Idea: Supporting small businesses, going green, dontating to your local food bank.

Bad Idea: Barfing red wine over your balcony into a snowbank, making it obvious that YOU are to blame for the recent series of vomit puddles found all over a densely-populated apartment building. I'm looking at you, suite 2102.

Thought of the Day

Hey, McSweeney's!

I sent you some funny shit like weeks ago. It's not going to stay fresh forever. I like you, and I want to see my name on the McSweeney's Internet Tendency. I could do something for you in return... I've never attempted it, but I have this sneaking suspicion that I would make a great drug mule.

Sincerely,
M. Wood

Oh CNN, you never fail to disappoint.

As per my daily routine of visiting my four favourite news sites, I came upon CNN.com today and discovered what is potentially the most suprising news story of the year. Look out Barack Obama-- there's a new story on the block. Stop the presses, because we've got one hell of a scoop, and it has nothing to do with Ben and Jerry's, people.
According to the Atlanta-based news service, there's "No good way to tell kids they have cancer". Fucking Yikes.

Not only did CNN see fit to inform the public at large about this breaking headline, but they (correctly!) decided to make it their lead story on CNN.com.
I have prepared a list of possible headlines for CNN to fall back on as they plough through the inevitable muck in attemping to back up what will inevitably be remembered as 2008's most sensationalistic claim.
"Genital herpes no picnic"
"Losing home and family to fire puts damper on holidays for local man"
"Religion continues to be point of debate in most countries"
"Study: Sex often leads to pregnancy, say docs"

Once again, I'd like to extend my personal kudos to Ted Turner's CableNewsNetwork for keeping us abreast of breaking news, as it happens.

Post Script: I find Anderson Cooper to be quite attractive.

ShamWOW!

This guy is such an asshole.

When his fiendish gaze molests me through the television, I have to do deep-breathing exercizes and make myself some cammomile tea.

Thought of the Day

Can Milk please get into theatres already??

Freckled Misfortune

I weep for you, Little Red.

When I look into your hopeful and mentally unsound gaze, I can see into your future. What does tomorrow hold for you, you ask? Well, I'll tell you, but you're not gonna like it.

The unfulfilled dreams that will come to be the defining theme of your adulthood will makes themselves known on this very special Christmas.

You see, Little Red, you're not going to get that Schwinn. Not even close. The most exciting gift you'll get this Christmas is the noctural emission that you will experience Christmas Eve. From there, it's all downhill. Not just during Christmas. For the rest of your life.

Though you will go to college, you will spend the majority of your time getting nosebleeds and being taunted for your red pubic hair by precocious co-eds.

This trend of utter failure to gain acceptance by women (or society in general) will lead you to become a cantankerous old codger who calls the cable company to complain about the lack of a Channel One.

RIP Hopeful Little Red.

If You Read This Blog...

Feel free to comment!

I like being criticized. A lot.

I like the one-way-blind style of social interaction. It fascinates me. I also like the one-way-blind style of sexual interaction, but that's a whole different post.

It's actually really weird, because I just assume nobody reads this page, but the other day I installed a counter to see if anybody actually visits my home here on the interweb, and all of a sudden I see there have been 170 (unique) visits in a very short period.

I like to hear feedback. You can even be bitchy. I can handle it. I'm tough!

Your comment might look like this:

"You self-righteous bitch. Where the HELL do you get off?"

Or, it might resemble this:

"I hate your face but I think your funny"

Or you might be inspired to write me a love letter:

"hey i m 15 & horney u single?"

The point is, please comment! If you do, I might flash you my boobs.

Thought of the Day

Swiss Chalet is like.... really really tasty food.

Momma Don't Take My Kodachrome Awaaaaay....

Ever wonder if you're someone's everything?
I’m everyone’s everything.

Last song played more then three times?
Kodachrome. I’ve also been having a musical affair with American Girl by Tom Petty. Even though I am the consummate Canadian girl. I’ll pay for it in the afterlife, I’m sure.

Tie yourself to someone for a day, who is it?
A bartender anywhere in the Miramichi.

Do you drink?
Drinking is where I’m a Viking! Although a certain drunken East Coaster who’s name rhymes with Schmara Flancy would strongly dispute this claim.

Did you take a nap today?
No, but I gave a nap today. And by nap, I mean rim job.

What's something nobody knows about you?
"Don't Stop Believin'"by Journey is so beautiful it makes me cry.

Couch, sofa, or chesterfield?
I’d rather do it in the bushes, if it’s all the same to you…

What always makes you laugh?
I don’t want to sound jaded, but it takes a lot to make me LOL. (Ok, this is a total lie. I laugh 24/7. Anyone who knows me already knows this. I laugh longest and loudest at penis, sex, and poo jokes).

Who's the last person you ate out with?
Bahahahahhahahaha!! No! No!

Are you a jealous person?
Not unless you have something I want.

Who do you hate currently?
Betti White. And by hate, I mean love. And by love, I mean adore in an inappropriate way.

What is your hidden talent?
I can answer questionnaires at a moderate speed and post them on a blog that I’m sure not even one person reads.

Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
Remind him he’s a big homo and ask him to take me for burgers at the White Spot.

What’s on your bedroom floor?
A bra, a copy of Dubliners, and durable, moderately-priced berber carpet.

Beer, Wine or Liquor?
Beer. I’ll liquor only if her boyfriend says it’s ok.

RANT: To the Asshair Who Doesn't Know How to Properly Dispose of Garbage

I'm not sure you're aware that there is a garbage storage facility in the building, so let me give you a few (polite!) pointers that will no doubt clarify the issue of waste disposal.

Tip #1

There is an assigned area for the purging of household waste in this building. It's called the Garbage Chute. It's at the end of the hall (right next to my place!), and you are able to throw 'garbage' down a special 'chute' so it goes into the dumpster.

It's really fun to use! You open the door, throw the garbage down, then watch and listen as it makes it journey to the dumpster. If this doesn't sound like something you could get interested in using, why not make a game of it? I like to play a game called "Garbage Suprise!" in which I silently wait for someone to open the chute on a floor below mine, and then throw down the loudest trash I have (suggestions: old dinner plates, marbles, a bag full of broken glass, etc). It gets the junk out of your house, and the noise and sudden appearance of falling garbage scares the bejeesus out of your neighbours. (I like to think of myself as the queen, and the people who live below me as my jesters-- their shouts of terror-induced suprise is how they entertain and please me). You also live on the top floor, like me, so feel free to formulate your own garbage-related fantasies.

Tip #2

Just because it looks big, doesn't mean it can't get any smaller. I know that pizza boxes look positively monstrous in comparaison to the opening of the Garbage Chute (hereon referred to as G.C), but if you fold them up, they'll go down just fine. This means you won't have to leave behind big trashstuffs in front of the G.C, which, did I mention, is right next to my place? In an ideal world, you would recycle these boxes, but I realize these concepts are quite new to you... And the holidays are coming, so I don't want to put any more stress on you than necessary. So, in brief-- make big things littler.

Tip #3

There are a lot of people in this world, which means a lot of garbage. Someone saw that all this garbage was blowing around and making a mess in big cities, so they got together and invented "Garbage Bags". I know, right? What better thing to put down a Garbage Chute than a Garbage Bag!?!? This always gets me to thinking about the chicken-or-the-egg debate, but that's a little advanced for you, so I'll try and focus.

The garbage bag will hold all your trash (or 'rubbish' if you're from across the pond-ha!) and when it's full, you tie it up and throw it down Big G.C!

This means you don't have to stomp down the hallway (past my place-Hi!) and throw out one item at a time. As much as I love opening up G.C and forensically investigating what you've been storing in your fridge for the last 4 months. It gets a little stinky and sometimes the old food gets on the handle of the G.C and it then transfers onto my hand. I like to think you're a big chutney fan, but I can't go on lying to myself anymore. It's not chutney, it's liquified Kraft Dinner. And it smells... not so nice. I only know this because the G.C is right next to my place.

Now I know that these are hard economic times, the government is on the brink of collapse, and the local competitive sports team isn't doing too well, but I would love to give you the gift of proper garbage disposal this Christmas.

It's what Jesus would have wanted. Because the only thing better than the Big G.C is the Big J.C!

Merry Christmas!

The nice young lady who lives right next to the garbage chute.

RAVE: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Ok, I'm just going to say it.

I love you.

I love the shit out of you.

It's because of you that I'm gay for claymation.

Where do I even begin?

When we first met, I was 6 and it was Christmas Eve. I had just cut my sister's finger so bad she needed stitches. She had the scissors I wanted so I could make paper snowflakes. So I took them, and a bloodbath ensued.

As my parents were thus occupied, I settled in for some Christmas Eve television. And then..... you entered my life.

I will never forget the instant connection we shared-- it was as if my heart left my body and joined with yours in timeless stop-motion animation.

I would never be the same.

Sure, we've had our ups and downs. I doubt you'll ever forgive me for the year when I had to choose to watch National Lampoons Christmas Vacation instead, because it was scheduled in the same time slot. What can I say? I really love the part when the cat gets electrocuted. But you have never been far from my heart.

Every Christmas season, there you are. You are my rock, my pillar of strength. I laugh when Rudolph is marginalized for his red nose. I cry when the Head Elf won't let Hermie be a dentist. Hermie is the dentist of my heart. He fills the cavities of my soul with a bonding compound of happiness.

I am forever altered by you, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. And when we get old and grey and make our way into the next life, I know you will by my side, with love as precious as Silver and Gold.

Yours forever,

Michelle

xoxo

Proposals For New TV Shows

1. Blunt Force Trauma
Starring British heartthrob and crooner James Blunt, this reality drama-dy will focus entirely on the lives of one of his female stalkers. Cameos slated for the first several episodes include Jessica Rabbit, Markie Post, Judge James Ito, and the Kool-Aid jug man.
Good watching? Oh YEAH!

2. Walden- The Series
Reworked from Henry David Thoreau's Transcendental masterpiece, Walden- The Series will strike a chord with senior citizens everywhere. Essentially one hour of nature photography, the show will serve as a gentle respite from the terror found in our Post-Post Modern world. Bronson Pinchot will make a brief appearance as Super Space-Bot #2 in the show's pilot. Mayim Bialik will be a series mainstay, appearing as a useless pile of leaves.

3. Teddy Ruxpin 2092
It's the year 2092, and the evil Queen of Sugar Mountain is secretly assembling an army of Gummi Bears. Fierce and terrifyingly pliable, the Gummi Bears will no doubt carry out the Queen's plot to enslave the human race. Our only hope is Teddy Ruxpin, the anamatronic justice-seeker from deep in the Siberian rainforest. Will Teddy save us from the Queen's sugary doom before it's too late? Tune in to find out!

Things I Hate (With Only One Justification)

1. Girls who pose in pictures as Charlie's Angels.

2. Books that are entitled "Confessions of (anything)"

3. Outhouses

4. Rosie o'Donnell

5.When girls say that their significant other "treats me like a princess". Cringe. Your lack of creativity in defining your relationship suggests that your love is as cliched and meaningless as the phrase itself.

6. Non-stick pans which turn out to be something other than non-stick.

7. Unwashed mullets.

8. Washed mullets.