Proposals For New TV Shows

1. Blunt Force Trauma
Starring British heartthrob and crooner James Blunt, this reality drama-dy will focus entirely on the lives of one of his female stalkers. Cameos slated for the first several episodes include Jessica Rabbit, Markie Post, Judge James Ito, and the Kool-Aid jug man.
Good watching? Oh YEAH!

2. Walden- The Series
Reworked from Henry David Thoreau's Transcendental masterpiece, Walden- The Series will strike a chord with senior citizens everywhere. Essentially one hour of nature photography, the show will serve as a gentle respite from the terror found in our Post-Post Modern world. Bronson Pinchot will make a brief appearance as Super Space-Bot #2 in the show's pilot. Mayim Bialik will be a series mainstay, appearing as a useless pile of leaves.

3. Teddy Ruxpin 2092
It's the year 2092, and the evil Queen of Sugar Mountain is secretly assembling an army of Gummi Bears. Fierce and terrifyingly pliable, the Gummi Bears will no doubt carry out the Queen's plot to enslave the human race. Our only hope is Teddy Ruxpin, the anamatronic justice-seeker from deep in the Siberian rainforest. Will Teddy save us from the Queen's sugary doom before it's too late? Tune in to find out!

Things I Hate (With Only One Justification)

1. Girls who pose in pictures as Charlie's Angels.

2. Books that are entitled "Confessions of (anything)"

3. Outhouses

4. Rosie o'Donnell

5.When girls say that their significant other "treats me like a princess". Cringe. Your lack of creativity in defining your relationship suggests that your love is as cliched and meaningless as the phrase itself.

6. Non-stick pans which turn out to be something other than non-stick.

7. Unwashed mullets.

8. Washed mullets.

Thought of the Day

Defecation and Deification look very much alike.

Five Things I Will Never Understand About Halloween

1. Halloween costumes that feature the photo slash name of the entity it represents. A Ninja Turtle does not wear a green bib that says "Ninja Turtle"

2. How my body can metabolize 4 kilos of halloween candy.

3. The mystical quality/ magic ingredient that makes Cheezies so irresistable

4. How ANYONE can look me in the eye and tell me they don't love the video for "Thriller"

5. Why this glorious day comes no more than once a year

Consider It Reduced

But..... what does it mean??

Where do I even begin with this? Have the reductions already been taken? Are the reductions pending 'taken'?

I feel it necessary to point out that this sign graces the window of a plus-size store, which leads to more questions. Do the purported reductions involve the clothing itself? Or the size of the salespeople?

Some mysteries were never meant to be solved.

I Hope Someone Throws Up In His Face On Halloween

And in our newest "White Trash Fabulous" line, here is Tucker modelling the rib-tickling Suicide Bomber costume. Paired with the Saudi headdress, the plush dynamite and detonator will be sure to "blow away" the neighbors this trick-or-treating season.

Next up, how you can stitch together a wedding dress in minutes using disassembled maxi pads! It's a bargain hunters dream, period!

Marcel Marceau Is Silently Expressing His Concern.

Life, she has not been good to me.

Zees is why, when I wake from ze four-day slumber brought to me by ze angels of Absinthe, j'aime buver ze Chocolat Poulain. Because, as we say in Paree, "Better chocolat zan a pistol to ze face"

Source

Unsettling As It Gets

I'll just give you the gist of this one:

1. Husband locks wife out of the bedroom due to her smelly snatch.

2. Divorce papers are drawn up.

3. Don't let this happen to you. Douche with Lysol.

4. Smell gone.

5. Happily ever after.

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A Few of My Favorite Words

Precision, emprisioned, nihilist, masticate, emancipate, ecumenical, she-male, rescind, pontificate, occipital, crusade, rhetoric, correlation, tongue, autumn, olfactory, exemplify, empirical, imperial, fever, scrumptious, modifier, tablet, sexualized, maple, immigrant, summation, indecent, Chaucer, forensic, patriarchal, auger, esoteric, sublime, transcendant, allele, fortitude, supplement, linament, emancipate, matrix, reconcile, hustler, memoir, villify, sanctity, annihilate, swell, dextrous, prostrate, ambivalent, ho-bag.

Also, I HATE when people randomly use the word disestablishmentarianism. What are you trying to prove?

But my favorite word of all time?

douchebaggery: [dus-bAEgEri] the state of being, or the activity of acting like a douche. Fr. douche, as v., to cleanse one's vagina by means of a nozzled apparatus. As n., an object consisting of a nozzle attached to a bag, containing fluids which cleanse the inner and outer vaginal area.

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I refuse to bestow a title unto this post.

Sarah Palin? Really?

An Open Letter to Scientology

Fuck you.
That's right. I'm talking to you, Scientology.
Fuck you.

Who do you think you are?
First, let's talk about pedigree. A science-fiction writer? Really?
Because, the last time I checked, sci-fi authors were right next to infomercial hosts in the Least Credible Human Beings department. Following a religion that was started by a sci-fi writer is as ridiculous as following some treasure hunter who found a few golden plates in..... wait..... Nevermind.

And you really know your faith will hold up to the test of time if the only way you can get people into your church is to trick them. And don't underestimate the power of B- and C-list celebrities as spokespeople. Nothing says "Respite Of The Soul" like closeted middle-aged caucasian men.

Next, we'll move on to doctrine.
Or, at least we'll move on to doctrine in theory, because apparently you have no doctrine. Watching a Scientology conversion video is like trying to have an orgasm for 7 hours. Nothing is actually accomplished, and you get so frustrated you want to chainsaw someone's face off.

Also, who is this Xenu person? Because I could have sworn it was a fabrication of L. Ron Hubbard's imagination... You know, just some standard H.G Wells-ish bad guy. But I was wrong.... Xenu came here a long time ago and messed up our shit, and his grandchildren stayed here to make life difficult for people. Not like Concentration Camp-difficult, but "My family just doesn't GET me"-difficult.

As if this laundry list of foolishness wasn't enough, you also demand huge amounts of cash from your followers. There is absolutely no precedent in Western Civilization for asking parishoners to pony up mon....oh........wait....

I was wrong.

I guess you are a legitimate religion.

Please find enclosed your tax exemption forms.

Regards,
M. Wood

I am a swinging lamp of antique fashion.

My creative juices have dried up for the day. Please, someone, anyone, make me juicy again.

I think I need some structure.



How do you like your coffee?
The same way I like my men-- ground up and in the freezer.

Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
No, but I can touch YOUR nose with my tongue! And by nose, I mean genitals.

What's your favorite element?
The element of surprise.

What are some of your favourite things?
Reading in bed, bedding in red, camping, building campfires, baby yorkies, baby Yorkies.

What was the last book you read?
The last book I read for my own pleasure is "She's Come Undone", which I've actually read about a dozen times.

Name a movie you really hated.
Ugh.... 300. What a horrible movie. I do not understand why so many people like this movie.

What item couldn't you possibly live without?
My iPod. Well, I suppose I could live without it, but life would not be as sweet as it is now that I can listen to the entirety of the Motown Library whenever I want.

Describe the perfect day.
It would involve beer, a private screening of Silence of the Lambs, and possibly cake. And by possibly, I mean definetely.

What was the last movie you saw at the theater?
Lars and the Real Girl. Really, really good.

The last time you cried...?
I'm not a big crier..... I usually bottle up my emotions until they manifest in panic attacks.

Do you believe that the cup is half empty or half full?
It depends on who's wearing it.

What do you do for fun?
Hustle Japanese businessmen.

What 3 words would your best friend use to describe you?
Malignant. Yeasty. Rancid. But she's wrong. I'm actually pretty rad.

What is your favorite candy?
Blue Whales. The gummies, not the actual whales.

What did you do last night?
Translated Middle English and went to bed with Dubliners. The book, not the actual people.

He may need suds of another kind....

Yikes. This guy looks like he's staring at something he'd like to eat with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Lonely, sexually neglected, devoid of magenta.

He needs a break. And what relieves a middle-aged red-blooded man better than.... a bubble bath!

Not just a bubble bath, but a bath with PURE foam, the kind of foam exclusive to Ivory. Banish from your mind the impotent froth of Dove. Discard any notion of the uninspiring lather of Pears. True satisfaction can only be found in foam as pure as the driven snow.

Something about that smile tells me he dropped the soap......

Potato Lover

I love Irish people. Especially this one:

Ah..... the delightful days of summer. Days of ice cream, suntanning, barbeques, sand castles and of course, extra smoking.
And what better way to take advantage of your newfound freedom than..... smoking the cigarette of extra smokes! What does this mean? Why, it means that each cigarette contains 10% more puff-potential than the leading national brand. Gone is the soul-wrenching butting out of the cigarette that just didn't last long enough. You'll butt out knowing you sucked every last nico-tastic puff.
But wait, you ask, don't extra smokes in the season of extra smoking just add up to a whole lot more smoking? Of course it does, but this is America. And doing something right means doing it to excess. We didn't drop the bomb on Hiroshima in order to smoke a reasonable amount, we did it so that we can smoke ourselves into oblivion, God Dammit!
So enjoy your summer. Get on your best wool coat and turtleneck, head to the beach, and smoke those mothers!!

Now With Extra Quality!

I always wondered what people did before television was invented....

That's A Pretty Big 'But'.......

Watch out sailor... She's not what she appears. Don't be fooled by the starched white collar or perfectly coiffed pageboy hair. Ignore the saint-like ethereal glow that seems to be emanating from her very soul. She's a lap-jockey, and when she goes slumming, a rubber is the farthest thing from her mind.
She's Frenchified, and she'll destroy you and everything you hold dear. She is the Communism of sex.

Really? Because if a guy did this to me, I would punch him in the dick.

Source

Wrong Wrong Wrong

Jesus Christ on a cross. What the hell did you have to smoke for this to be appetizing?

Let's examine each component of this specimen separately.

What I assume to be bread, (however this assumption may very well be as wrong as an ironing board in the kitchen) seems to have been given a greenish tint. I cannot comment as to whether this is the genesis of mould, a food additive extracted from crash victims found near Area 51, or if the tint was added to intensify the redness of the tomatoes slash 'spaghetti'.

I use this term loosely, because it does not resemble any spaghetti I have ever known. It could possibly be better described as earthworms wriggling in the afterbirth of a jack'o'lantern. Have you ever dropped a string of spaghetti in the sink, and then you see it days later, water logged and repulsively swollen? I take comfort in the fact that I don't have to smell it.

The tomatoes are fine. They will help clean out the inevitable clog of goo that will form in your colon after eating this abomination.

Mmmm.... Hunger-Induced Hallucinations

Libby's. For when you're so mother fucking hungry, you'll wear window sheers instead of expending the energy it takes to do laundry.
Addendum: Who picked out that wedding ring for her? It looks like a clearance item from Fifth Avenue Collection.