Oh, My Aching Tiddies

Hey ladies!

Does your seatbelt dig in to your shoulders, neck or chest? Are you plagued with safety belt irritation at the site of contact? Have you ever wanted to get motorboated by a stuffed animal?



This adorable little bear will lie spread-eagled over your chest as you drive your hybrid car while wearing khakis and inoffensive pastels. The soft velour fabric feels almost sensuous against your skin. Or at least it would feel sensuous, if you hadn't given up orgasms for financial security back on your wedding day in '96.

The TiddyBear also doubles as a modesty device for today's Mormon mom-on-the-go. Is a little extra cleavage proving to be a point of contention with your husband's other 6 wives? Cover up your scandalous melon-crack with a plush chastity device.

But wait! It's not just for the ladies! Men can also use the TiddyBear! Sure, wearing a glorified Beanie Baby across your bitch tits takes a toll on your manhood, but you probably handed over the keys to your balls years ago, anyways.

And bonus- it's yellow! The colour of sunshine!

And urine.

The Bitch Is Back

Yes, MOTHER, I have been away from the blog for far too long. I've been busy. I'm sorry. What exciting activities have been selfishly occupying my time? Since you're so fucking nosy, here's a list.

• School
• Volunteer fire department
• My laughably empty social life
• Watching movies
• Corrupting juvies
  
• Knitting afghans
• Judging people who I catch reading "Twilight"
• Showering with football teams to save water
• Showering with Horshack to save Kotter
• Cleaning the venetian blinds
• Weeding the yard
  
• Reading the bard
• Encouraging Kanye to express himself
• Shaving my legs
• Shaving your legs
• Shaving Horshack's legs
• Enjoying the weather
• Employing the leather
• Sucking at life

Glad to be back. I missed you bitches.

Love,
The Irreplaceable
Michelle