Saturday, December 27, 2008
Good Ideas, Bad Ideas
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Thought of the Day
I sent you some funny shit like weeks ago. It's not going to stay fresh forever. I like you, and I want to see my name on the McSweeney's Internet Tendency. I could do something for you in return... I've never attempted it, but I have this sneaking suspicion that I would make a great drug mule.
Sincerely,
M. Wood
Oh CNN, you never fail to disappoint.
According to the Atlanta-based news service, there's "No good way to tell kids they have cancer". Fucking Yikes.
Not only did CNN see fit to inform the public at large about this breaking headline, but they (correctly!) decided to make it their lead story on CNN.com.
I have prepared a list of possible headlines for CNN to fall back on as they plough through the inevitable muck in attemping to back up what will inevitably be remembered as 2008's most sensationalistic claim.
"Genital herpes no picnic"
"Losing home and family to fire puts damper on holidays for local man"
"Religion continues to be point of debate in most countries"
"Study: Sex often leads to pregnancy, say docs"
Once again, I'd like to extend my personal kudos to Ted Turner's CableNewsNetwork for keeping us abreast of breaking news, as it happens.
Post Script: I find Anderson Cooper to be quite attractive.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
ShamWOW!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
Freckled Misfortune
I weep for you, Little Red.
When I look into your hopeful and mentally unsound gaze, I can see into your future. What does tomorrow hold for you, you ask? Well, I'll tell you, but you're not gonna like it.
The unfulfilled dreams that will come to be the defining theme of your adulthood will makes themselves known on this very special Christmas.
You see, Little Red, you're not going to get that Schwinn. Not even close. The most exciting gift you'll get this Christmas is the noctural emission that you will experience Christmas Eve. From there, it's all downhill. Not just during Christmas. For the rest of your life.
Though you will go to college, you will spend the majority of your time getting nosebleeds and being taunted for your red pubic hair by precocious co-eds.
This trend of utter failure to gain acceptance by women (or society in general) will lead you to become a cantankerous old codger who calls the cable company to complain about the lack of a Channel One.
RIP Hopeful Little Red.
If You Read This Blog...
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
Momma Don't Take My Kodachrome Awaaaaay....
Ever wonder if you're someone's everything?
I’m everyone’s everything.
Last song played more then three times?
Kodachrome. I’ve also been having a musical affair with American Girl by Tom Petty. Even though I am the consummate Canadian girl. I’ll pay for it in the afterlife, I’m sure.
Tie yourself to someone for a day, who is it?
A bartender anywhere in the Miramichi.
Do you drink?
Drinking is where I’m a Viking! Although a certain drunken East Coaster who’s name rhymes with Schmara Flancy would strongly dispute this claim.
Did you take a nap today?
No, but I gave a nap today. And by nap, I mean rim job.
What's something nobody knows about you?
"Don't Stop Believin'"by Journey is so beautiful it makes me cry.
Couch, sofa, or chesterfield?
I’d rather do it in the bushes, if it’s all the same to you…
What always makes you laugh?
I don’t want to sound jaded, but it takes a lot to make me LOL. (Ok, this is a total lie. I laugh 24/7. Anyone who knows me already knows this. I laugh longest and loudest at penis, sex, and poo jokes).
Who's the last person you ate out with?
Bahahahahhahahaha!! No! No!
Are you a jealous person?
Not unless you have something I want.
Who do you hate currently?
Betti White. And by hate, I mean love. And by love, I mean adore in an inappropriate way.
What is your hidden talent?
I can answer questionnaires at a moderate speed and post them on a blog that I’m sure not even one person reads.
Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
Remind him he’s a big homo and ask him to take me for burgers at the White Spot.
What’s on your bedroom floor?
A bra, a copy of Dubliners, and durable, moderately-priced berber carpet.
Beer, Wine or Liquor?
Beer. I’ll liquor only if her boyfriend says it’s ok.