Good Ideas, Bad Ideas

Good Idea: Supporting small businesses, going green, dontating to your local food bank.

Bad Idea: Barfing red wine over your balcony into a snowbank, making it obvious that YOU are to blame for the recent series of vomit puddles found all over a densely-populated apartment building. I'm looking at you, suite 2102.

Thought of the Day

Hey, McSweeney's!

I sent you some funny shit like weeks ago. It's not going to stay fresh forever. I like you, and I want to see my name on the McSweeney's Internet Tendency. I could do something for you in return... I've never attempted it, but I have this sneaking suspicion that I would make a great drug mule.

Sincerely,
M. Wood

Oh CNN, you never fail to disappoint.

As per my daily routine of visiting my four favourite news sites, I came upon CNN.com today and discovered what is potentially the most suprising news story of the year. Look out Barack Obama-- there's a new story on the block. Stop the presses, because we've got one hell of a scoop, and it has nothing to do with Ben and Jerry's, people.
According to the Atlanta-based news service, there's "No good way to tell kids they have cancer". Fucking Yikes.

Not only did CNN see fit to inform the public at large about this breaking headline, but they (correctly!) decided to make it their lead story on CNN.com.
I have prepared a list of possible headlines for CNN to fall back on as they plough through the inevitable muck in attemping to back up what will inevitably be remembered as 2008's most sensationalistic claim.
"Genital herpes no picnic"
"Losing home and family to fire puts damper on holidays for local man"
"Religion continues to be point of debate in most countries"
"Study: Sex often leads to pregnancy, say docs"

Once again, I'd like to extend my personal kudos to Ted Turner's CableNewsNetwork for keeping us abreast of breaking news, as it happens.

Post Script: I find Anderson Cooper to be quite attractive.

ShamWOW!

This guy is such an asshole.

When his fiendish gaze molests me through the television, I have to do deep-breathing exercizes and make myself some cammomile tea.

Thought of the Day

Can Milk please get into theatres already??

Freckled Misfortune

I weep for you, Little Red.

When I look into your hopeful and mentally unsound gaze, I can see into your future. What does tomorrow hold for you, you ask? Well, I'll tell you, but you're not gonna like it.

The unfulfilled dreams that will come to be the defining theme of your adulthood will makes themselves known on this very special Christmas.

You see, Little Red, you're not going to get that Schwinn. Not even close. The most exciting gift you'll get this Christmas is the noctural emission that you will experience Christmas Eve. From there, it's all downhill. Not just during Christmas. For the rest of your life.

Though you will go to college, you will spend the majority of your time getting nosebleeds and being taunted for your red pubic hair by precocious co-eds.

This trend of utter failure to gain acceptance by women (or society in general) will lead you to become a cantankerous old codger who calls the cable company to complain about the lack of a Channel One.

RIP Hopeful Little Red.

If You Read This Blog...

Feel free to comment!

I like being criticized. A lot.

I like the one-way-blind style of social interaction. It fascinates me. I also like the one-way-blind style of sexual interaction, but that's a whole different post.

It's actually really weird, because I just assume nobody reads this page, but the other day I installed a counter to see if anybody actually visits my home here on the interweb, and all of a sudden I see there have been 170 (unique) visits in a very short period.

I like to hear feedback. You can even be bitchy. I can handle it. I'm tough!

Your comment might look like this:

"You self-righteous bitch. Where the HELL do you get off?"

Or, it might resemble this:

"I hate your face but I think your funny"

Or you might be inspired to write me a love letter:

"hey i m 15 & horney u single?"

The point is, please comment! If you do, I might flash you my boobs.

Thought of the Day

Swiss Chalet is like.... really really tasty food.

Momma Don't Take My Kodachrome Awaaaaay....

Ever wonder if you're someone's everything?
I’m everyone’s everything.

Last song played more then three times?
Kodachrome. I’ve also been having a musical affair with American Girl by Tom Petty. Even though I am the consummate Canadian girl. I’ll pay for it in the afterlife, I’m sure.

Tie yourself to someone for a day, who is it?
A bartender anywhere in the Miramichi.

Do you drink?
Drinking is where I’m a Viking! Although a certain drunken East Coaster who’s name rhymes with Schmara Flancy would strongly dispute this claim.

Did you take a nap today?
No, but I gave a nap today. And by nap, I mean rim job.

What's something nobody knows about you?
"Don't Stop Believin'"by Journey is so beautiful it makes me cry.

Couch, sofa, or chesterfield?
I’d rather do it in the bushes, if it’s all the same to you…

What always makes you laugh?
I don’t want to sound jaded, but it takes a lot to make me LOL. (Ok, this is a total lie. I laugh 24/7. Anyone who knows me already knows this. I laugh longest and loudest at penis, sex, and poo jokes).

Who's the last person you ate out with?
Bahahahahhahahaha!! No! No!

Are you a jealous person?
Not unless you have something I want.

Who do you hate currently?
Betti White. And by hate, I mean love. And by love, I mean adore in an inappropriate way.

What is your hidden talent?
I can answer questionnaires at a moderate speed and post them on a blog that I’m sure not even one person reads.

Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
Remind him he’s a big homo and ask him to take me for burgers at the White Spot.

What’s on your bedroom floor?
A bra, a copy of Dubliners, and durable, moderately-priced berber carpet.

Beer, Wine or Liquor?
Beer. I’ll liquor only if her boyfriend says it’s ok.

RANT: To the Asshair Who Doesn't Know How to Properly Dispose of Garbage

I'm not sure you're aware that there is a garbage storage facility in the building, so let me give you a few (polite!) pointers that will no doubt clarify the issue of waste disposal.

Tip #1

There is an assigned area for the purging of household waste in this building. It's called the Garbage Chute. It's at the end of the hall (right next to my place!), and you are able to throw 'garbage' down a special 'chute' so it goes into the dumpster.

It's really fun to use! You open the door, throw the garbage down, then watch and listen as it makes it journey to the dumpster. If this doesn't sound like something you could get interested in using, why not make a game of it? I like to play a game called "Garbage Suprise!" in which I silently wait for someone to open the chute on a floor below mine, and then throw down the loudest trash I have (suggestions: old dinner plates, marbles, a bag full of broken glass, etc). It gets the junk out of your house, and the noise and sudden appearance of falling garbage scares the bejeesus out of your neighbours. (I like to think of myself as the queen, and the people who live below me as my jesters-- their shouts of terror-induced suprise is how they entertain and please me). You also live on the top floor, like me, so feel free to formulate your own garbage-related fantasies.

Tip #2

Just because it looks big, doesn't mean it can't get any smaller. I know that pizza boxes look positively monstrous in comparaison to the opening of the Garbage Chute (hereon referred to as G.C), but if you fold them up, they'll go down just fine. This means you won't have to leave behind big trashstuffs in front of the G.C, which, did I mention, is right next to my place? In an ideal world, you would recycle these boxes, but I realize these concepts are quite new to you... And the holidays are coming, so I don't want to put any more stress on you than necessary. So, in brief-- make big things littler.

Tip #3

There are a lot of people in this world, which means a lot of garbage. Someone saw that all this garbage was blowing around and making a mess in big cities, so they got together and invented "Garbage Bags". I know, right? What better thing to put down a Garbage Chute than a Garbage Bag!?!? This always gets me to thinking about the chicken-or-the-egg debate, but that's a little advanced for you, so I'll try and focus.

The garbage bag will hold all your trash (or 'rubbish' if you're from across the pond-ha!) and when it's full, you tie it up and throw it down Big G.C!

This means you don't have to stomp down the hallway (past my place-Hi!) and throw out one item at a time. As much as I love opening up G.C and forensically investigating what you've been storing in your fridge for the last 4 months. It gets a little stinky and sometimes the old food gets on the handle of the G.C and it then transfers onto my hand. I like to think you're a big chutney fan, but I can't go on lying to myself anymore. It's not chutney, it's liquified Kraft Dinner. And it smells... not so nice. I only know this because the G.C is right next to my place.

Now I know that these are hard economic times, the government is on the brink of collapse, and the local competitive sports team isn't doing too well, but I would love to give you the gift of proper garbage disposal this Christmas.

It's what Jesus would have wanted. Because the only thing better than the Big G.C is the Big J.C!

Merry Christmas!

The nice young lady who lives right next to the garbage chute.

RAVE: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Ok, I'm just going to say it.

I love you.

I love the shit out of you.

It's because of you that I'm gay for claymation.

Where do I even begin?

When we first met, I was 6 and it was Christmas Eve. I had just cut my sister's finger so bad she needed stitches. She had the scissors I wanted so I could make paper snowflakes. So I took them, and a bloodbath ensued.

As my parents were thus occupied, I settled in for some Christmas Eve television. And then..... you entered my life.

I will never forget the instant connection we shared-- it was as if my heart left my body and joined with yours in timeless stop-motion animation.

I would never be the same.

Sure, we've had our ups and downs. I doubt you'll ever forgive me for the year when I had to choose to watch National Lampoons Christmas Vacation instead, because it was scheduled in the same time slot. What can I say? I really love the part when the cat gets electrocuted. But you have never been far from my heart.

Every Christmas season, there you are. You are my rock, my pillar of strength. I laugh when Rudolph is marginalized for his red nose. I cry when the Head Elf won't let Hermie be a dentist. Hermie is the dentist of my heart. He fills the cavities of my soul with a bonding compound of happiness.

I am forever altered by you, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. And when we get old and grey and make our way into the next life, I know you will by my side, with love as precious as Silver and Gold.

Yours forever,

Michelle

xoxo

Proposals For New TV Shows

1. Blunt Force Trauma
Starring British heartthrob and crooner James Blunt, this reality drama-dy will focus entirely on the lives of one of his female stalkers. Cameos slated for the first several episodes include Jessica Rabbit, Markie Post, Judge James Ito, and the Kool-Aid jug man.
Good watching? Oh YEAH!

2. Walden- The Series
Reworked from Henry David Thoreau's Transcendental masterpiece, Walden- The Series will strike a chord with senior citizens everywhere. Essentially one hour of nature photography, the show will serve as a gentle respite from the terror found in our Post-Post Modern world. Bronson Pinchot will make a brief appearance as Super Space-Bot #2 in the show's pilot. Mayim Bialik will be a series mainstay, appearing as a useless pile of leaves.

3. Teddy Ruxpin 2092
It's the year 2092, and the evil Queen of Sugar Mountain is secretly assembling an army of Gummi Bears. Fierce and terrifyingly pliable, the Gummi Bears will no doubt carry out the Queen's plot to enslave the human race. Our only hope is Teddy Ruxpin, the anamatronic justice-seeker from deep in the Siberian rainforest. Will Teddy save us from the Queen's sugary doom before it's too late? Tune in to find out!

Things I Hate (With Only One Justification)

1. Girls who pose in pictures as Charlie's Angels.

2. Books that are entitled "Confessions of (anything)"

3. Outhouses

4. Rosie o'Donnell

5.When girls say that their significant other "treats me like a princess". Cringe. Your lack of creativity in defining your relationship suggests that your love is as cliched and meaningless as the phrase itself.

6. Non-stick pans which turn out to be something other than non-stick.

7. Unwashed mullets.

8. Washed mullets.

Thought of the Day

Defecation and Deification look very much alike.

Five Things I Will Never Understand About Halloween

1. Halloween costumes that feature the photo slash name of the entity it represents. A Ninja Turtle does not wear a green bib that says "Ninja Turtle"

2. How my body can metabolize 4 kilos of halloween candy.

3. The mystical quality/ magic ingredient that makes Cheezies so irresistable

4. How ANYONE can look me in the eye and tell me they don't love the video for "Thriller"

5. Why this glorious day comes no more than once a year

Consider It Reduced

But..... what does it mean??

Where do I even begin with this? Have the reductions already been taken? Are the reductions pending 'taken'?

I feel it necessary to point out that this sign graces the window of a plus-size store, which leads to more questions. Do the purported reductions involve the clothing itself? Or the size of the salespeople?

Some mysteries were never meant to be solved.

I Hope Someone Throws Up In His Face On Halloween

And in our newest "White Trash Fabulous" line, here is Tucker modelling the rib-tickling Suicide Bomber costume. Paired with the Saudi headdress, the plush dynamite and detonator will be sure to "blow away" the neighbors this trick-or-treating season.

Next up, how you can stitch together a wedding dress in minutes using disassembled maxi pads! It's a bargain hunters dream, period!

Marcel Marceau Is Silently Expressing His Concern.

Life, she has not been good to me.

Zees is why, when I wake from ze four-day slumber brought to me by ze angels of Absinthe, j'aime buver ze Chocolat Poulain. Because, as we say in Paree, "Better chocolat zan a pistol to ze face"

Source

Unsettling As It Gets

I'll just give you the gist of this one:

1. Husband locks wife out of the bedroom due to her smelly snatch.

2. Divorce papers are drawn up.

3. Don't let this happen to you. Douche with Lysol.

4. Smell gone.

5. Happily ever after.

Source

A Few of My Favorite Words

Precision, emprisioned, nihilist, masticate, emancipate, ecumenical, she-male, rescind, pontificate, occipital, crusade, rhetoric, correlation, tongue, autumn, olfactory, exemplify, empirical, imperial, fever, scrumptious, modifier, tablet, sexualized, maple, immigrant, summation, indecent, Chaucer, forensic, patriarchal, auger, esoteric, sublime, transcendant, allele, fortitude, supplement, linament, emancipate, matrix, reconcile, hustler, memoir, villify, sanctity, annihilate, swell, dextrous, prostrate, ambivalent, ho-bag.

Also, I HATE when people randomly use the word disestablishmentarianism. What are you trying to prove?

But my favorite word of all time?

douchebaggery: [dus-bAEgEri] the state of being, or the activity of acting like a douche. Fr. douche, as v., to cleanse one's vagina by means of a nozzled apparatus. As n., an object consisting of a nozzle attached to a bag, containing fluids which cleanse the inner and outer vaginal area.

Source

I refuse to bestow a title unto this post.

Sarah Palin? Really?

An Open Letter to Scientology

Fuck you.
That's right. I'm talking to you, Scientology.
Fuck you.

Who do you think you are?
First, let's talk about pedigree. A science-fiction writer? Really?
Because, the last time I checked, sci-fi authors were right next to infomercial hosts in the Least Credible Human Beings department. Following a religion that was started by a sci-fi writer is as ridiculous as following some treasure hunter who found a few golden plates in..... wait..... Nevermind.

And you really know your faith will hold up to the test of time if the only way you can get people into your church is to trick them. And don't underestimate the power of B- and C-list celebrities as spokespeople. Nothing says "Respite Of The Soul" like closeted middle-aged caucasian men.

Next, we'll move on to doctrine.
Or, at least we'll move on to doctrine in theory, because apparently you have no doctrine. Watching a Scientology conversion video is like trying to have an orgasm for 7 hours. Nothing is actually accomplished, and you get so frustrated you want to chainsaw someone's face off.

Also, who is this Xenu person? Because I could have sworn it was a fabrication of L. Ron Hubbard's imagination... You know, just some standard H.G Wells-ish bad guy. But I was wrong.... Xenu came here a long time ago and messed up our shit, and his grandchildren stayed here to make life difficult for people. Not like Concentration Camp-difficult, but "My family just doesn't GET me"-difficult.

As if this laundry list of foolishness wasn't enough, you also demand huge amounts of cash from your followers. There is absolutely no precedent in Western Civilization for asking parishoners to pony up mon....oh........wait....

I was wrong.

I guess you are a legitimate religion.

Please find enclosed your tax exemption forms.

Regards,
M. Wood

I am a swinging lamp of antique fashion.

My creative juices have dried up for the day. Please, someone, anyone, make me juicy again.

I think I need some structure.



How do you like your coffee?
The same way I like my men-- ground up and in the freezer.

Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
No, but I can touch YOUR nose with my tongue! And by nose, I mean genitals.

What's your favorite element?
The element of surprise.

What are some of your favourite things?
Reading in bed, bedding in red, camping, building campfires, baby yorkies, baby Yorkies.

What was the last book you read?
The last book I read for my own pleasure is "She's Come Undone", which I've actually read about a dozen times.

Name a movie you really hated.
Ugh.... 300. What a horrible movie. I do not understand why so many people like this movie.

What item couldn't you possibly live without?
My iPod. Well, I suppose I could live without it, but life would not be as sweet as it is now that I can listen to the entirety of the Motown Library whenever I want.

Describe the perfect day.
It would involve beer, a private screening of Silence of the Lambs, and possibly cake. And by possibly, I mean definetely.

What was the last movie you saw at the theater?
Lars and the Real Girl. Really, really good.

The last time you cried...?
I'm not a big crier..... I usually bottle up my emotions until they manifest in panic attacks.

Do you believe that the cup is half empty or half full?
It depends on who's wearing it.

What do you do for fun?
Hustle Japanese businessmen.

What 3 words would your best friend use to describe you?
Malignant. Yeasty. Rancid. But she's wrong. I'm actually pretty rad.

What is your favorite candy?
Blue Whales. The gummies, not the actual whales.

What did you do last night?
Translated Middle English and went to bed with Dubliners. The book, not the actual people.

He may need suds of another kind....

Yikes. This guy looks like he's staring at something he'd like to eat with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Lonely, sexually neglected, devoid of magenta.

He needs a break. And what relieves a middle-aged red-blooded man better than.... a bubble bath!

Not just a bubble bath, but a bath with PURE foam, the kind of foam exclusive to Ivory. Banish from your mind the impotent froth of Dove. Discard any notion of the uninspiring lather of Pears. True satisfaction can only be found in foam as pure as the driven snow.

Something about that smile tells me he dropped the soap......

Potato Lover

I love Irish people. Especially this one:

Ah..... the delightful days of summer. Days of ice cream, suntanning, barbeques, sand castles and of course, extra smoking.
And what better way to take advantage of your newfound freedom than..... smoking the cigarette of extra smokes! What does this mean? Why, it means that each cigarette contains 10% more puff-potential than the leading national brand. Gone is the soul-wrenching butting out of the cigarette that just didn't last long enough. You'll butt out knowing you sucked every last nico-tastic puff.
But wait, you ask, don't extra smokes in the season of extra smoking just add up to a whole lot more smoking? Of course it does, but this is America. And doing something right means doing it to excess. We didn't drop the bomb on Hiroshima in order to smoke a reasonable amount, we did it so that we can smoke ourselves into oblivion, God Dammit!
So enjoy your summer. Get on your best wool coat and turtleneck, head to the beach, and smoke those mothers!!

Now With Extra Quality!

I always wondered what people did before television was invented....

That's A Pretty Big 'But'.......

Watch out sailor... She's not what she appears. Don't be fooled by the starched white collar or perfectly coiffed pageboy hair. Ignore the saint-like ethereal glow that seems to be emanating from her very soul. She's a lap-jockey, and when she goes slumming, a rubber is the farthest thing from her mind.
She's Frenchified, and she'll destroy you and everything you hold dear. She is the Communism of sex.

Really? Because if a guy did this to me, I would punch him in the dick.

Source

Wrong Wrong Wrong

Jesus Christ on a cross. What the hell did you have to smoke for this to be appetizing?

Let's examine each component of this specimen separately.

What I assume to be bread, (however this assumption may very well be as wrong as an ironing board in the kitchen) seems to have been given a greenish tint. I cannot comment as to whether this is the genesis of mould, a food additive extracted from crash victims found near Area 51, or if the tint was added to intensify the redness of the tomatoes slash 'spaghetti'.

I use this term loosely, because it does not resemble any spaghetti I have ever known. It could possibly be better described as earthworms wriggling in the afterbirth of a jack'o'lantern. Have you ever dropped a string of spaghetti in the sink, and then you see it days later, water logged and repulsively swollen? I take comfort in the fact that I don't have to smell it.

The tomatoes are fine. They will help clean out the inevitable clog of goo that will form in your colon after eating this abomination.

Mmmm.... Hunger-Induced Hallucinations

Libby's. For when you're so mother fucking hungry, you'll wear window sheers instead of expending the energy it takes to do laundry.
Addendum: Who picked out that wedding ring for her? It looks like a clearance item from Fifth Avenue Collection.

Pleasure Derived from Silicone

Lars and the Real Girl is a really really good movie. Go see it.

Highlights

• An anatomically correct supporting actress made from silicone


• Fantastic acting by Ryan Gosling


• That Canadian actress that played the leading role in Life With Billy


• Pink bowling balls


• A non-romantic comedy that contains both romance and comedy


• Did I mention there was a silicone love-doll?

Cookies for Souls

I'm really uncomfortable even looking at this old Karo Syrup ad.
This child is... somehow.... not right.
I'm not sure if it's the sculpted eyebrows, the cryptic gender of the child itself, or the association of nudity with cookies.

All I know is that I'm pretty sure it knows that I touch myself, and it likes the fact that I know that it knows.
Also, I dare you to find a nipple. Male or Female, it should have a nipple plainly visible based on what we can see of its torso. No nipple= probably not even human.

I appreciate the word usage in the recipe. Nowadays, if someone used the phrase "three-way cooky" in a sentence, everyone's head would turn to the haggard blonde at the end of the bar.

Seeing as though we're playing fast and loose with the spelling of words, I'm not sure what to make of the 'scrumpshus' exclamation at the top. It's either A.) supposed to be cute, as if 'it' spelled the word incorrectly like little 'its' tend to do, or B.) the ad was written during war time. All the nutrient-absent powdered egg and canned meat everyone was forced to eat tooks its toll on the ol' grammatical skills.

Speaking of nutrients, please note how corn syrup is described as nourishing. Because Karo is rich in dextrose, the sugar your body uses directly for energy. Uh, ya, I'd say it's rich in dextrose, considering it's ONE HUNDRED PERCENT dextrose! It's syrup! Although I'm sure this would have been a big selling feature at the time- everyone just needed that extra kick of energy to get them to the next uncertain and terrifying day.

That being said, where can I buy that nifty cookie jar?

My Blood Is Your Blood

During a search for vintage advertisements and magazine articles (a burning interest of mine), I came across this ad. It can only be described as a masterpiece of 50's style misogyny, served on an avocado-green melmac platter.Please indulge me by considering the following:

You poor son of a bitch.

How DO you manage every month? I'll bet during all that cramping and irritability, she doesn't even have the energy to make you your weekday dinner of a full beef roast with all the trimmings. Broads. They always complain the loudest.

Note how miserable this guy looks. Furrowed brow, excessive head-turning. He radiates the melancholy of a man whose whites aren't quite their whitest, and whose drawers weren't starched OR ironed. Lazy bitch.

One can just imagine the after-dinner conversation down at the Lodge:

"..... some new-fangled ailment called PMS. Why, just last week, Bob and Vera down the street separated. Now, you didn`t hear it from me, but word is that he had put up with one too many of her monthly 'temper tantrums'. Sure he`s been nailing every secretary this side of the Mason-Dixon line, but it`s no excuse for her to snap her dishtowel in anger and storm out of the room. These childish outbursts are exactly what us fellas DON`T need after 7 hours at the office. When we come home, we like to have our dinner hot, our children quiet, and our wives emotionally repressed. It`s the American way. Feelings are for communists.

Thank God she saw the ad for Femicin in Photoplay, no more of that moody business. Now she`s back to acting like the woman I married. Heh heh heh, without the cherry of course. Another bourboun, fellas?"

Giving the People What They Want: Sensationalistic Religion-Bashing

I cannot believe how many people in this world (the majority of them on this continent, really) think that their religion is the only REAL one, which they defend in some extremely un-godly ways. Unfortunately, some of the worst offenders are supposed followers of Christ, who apparently was pretty jazzed about not judging and kindness.

Today, my frustration stems from an episode of Wife Swap, but it's been building steadily, as has my fascination with the Evangelical movement and their apparent pillar of faith, Creationism. I get that it's not the central tenant of their faith, but it seems to be the topic on which so much of their energy is concentrated.Like most reasonable people slash Non-Americans, I believe in evolution. I think the idea that some Christians take a literalist view of the Bible is laughable. That isn't to say that I don't think there's any value in the Bible. I think used in a certain context it can be a wonderful pedagogical tool, but believing that it should be interpreted literally is like teaching your kids not to talk to strangers by telling them there really is a witch in the woods who will lure them into her gingerbread house.

Honestly, I don't see why they seem to think Creation is the most miraculous way for God to create the world. I wouldn't call myself a Christian as defined by modern standards, but I do believe in God. To me, millions of years of tiny variations and adaptations resulting in human beings is like a symphony of miracles orchestrated by a Supreme Being. (Whether you think that the supreme being is God, Buddha, or Leeloo, is your own business).

Supreme Being, or hot carrot?

Creationists argue that public schools teaching evolution are really teaching our kids that they're animals; meaningless organisms in the grand scheme of things. I never remember receiving this message, direct or implied, in all of my years of school. Keep in mind, this is one such person sending the Creation message:

Ken Hamm, Creationist

You see what I mean. Have you every seen a human being who looks more like a chimpanzee?I laugh at his Creationist views, because he is tangible proof of evolution. I'm pretty sure Ken Hamm is the missing link.

Of course, the science that these people have such contempt for is the same science that they will gladly allow to cure their grandmother's cancer. I do see the appeal in this pick-and-choose type of spirituality- it's like a supermarket of faith! You don't have to follow all the rules, just the fresh ones that smell nice and won't give you gas and bloating down the road.

There's a lot more to say about this, but I'm tired now and my white-hot rage has dulled into a mild exacerbation. Stay tuned for more of "What's Wrong With the World According to Michelle".