Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Thought of the Day

How is Traveller's Diarrhea different from Staying-At-Home Diarrhea? Oh, right. Everyone is in their bathing suit and sharing the same toilet.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

RAVE: Competitive Sports!

In what context is it alright for a grown woman to sit on the couch in her apartment alone and shout angry things to a television broadcasting sports?

This may come as a surprise to you, but the woman is me. I'm sitting on my fine fuckin' coulo, screaming obscenities at hockey players. Quiet, subservient female? Yes, very.
My neighbours would like you to know that some recent calls by Ref Michelle include:

  • "Just shoot, fuckface!"
  • "Trip him with your stick!"
  • "Punch him in the eye!"
  • "Learn to skate, asshair!"
I'm so butch. Or I would be butch, if I were eating steak rather than romaine-and-avocado salad for dinner. I have to keep my trim figure if I'm gonna take home gold for ski ballet in 2014.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Thought of the Day

Can't we all just get along? If not, can't we all just get a bong? If that doesn't work, can't we all just share a dong?

Films In-Depth: Sherlock Holmes

Robert Downey Jr. is really attractive. There was this one part when he was boxing and his shirt was off and he was really sweaty. When does this come out on DVD?

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Listed, Fisted.

Bandwagon jumper? Heck yes, I am.

I have been collecting these cherished moments all year long, writing them out on handmade paper and storing them in a treasure box under my bed just for this very occasion. I certainly didn't pull them out of my ass on December 23rd, and wrote them in 20 minutes while watching "A Christmas Story" and wondering where my life went wrong.

As is my custom on this blog and in my life, I will veer away from relevant current events and draw from my own experiences. Self-indulgent. I know. You love me anyways.

1. Top vacation destination of 2009:
Grande Prairie

2.Top shoplifted item of 2009:
Grande Prairie

3. Top summertime memory of 2009:
Writing brilliant (but largely unappreciated) haikus for the catastrophe team at a large Dutch insurance company for whom I worked. Clearly, the term 'work' is a catch-all term for dicking around for 8.5 hours a day.

4. Top health scare of 2009:
The huge zit on my chin that my mom thought might be cervical cancer.

5. Top friend-fight of 2009:
When Tara got offended that I called her deceased mother a ho.

6. Top educational pursuit of 2009:
Trying (and succeeding!) to teach myself how to whistle. Poorly.

7. Top misunderstood song lyrics of 2009:
When I thought that the Kings of Leon wrote a hit song about Alexisonfire.

8. Top philanthropic gesture of 2009:
The luxurious household furnishings that I sold to charity at a moderately discounted price.

9. Top blog I contributed to in 2009:
Sure as fuck not this one.

May your season be filled with joy, laughter, cheer, and Boney M.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Ms. Claus

Happy Holidays to my favourite bitches.

I love you all, in many very different ways. But they're all sexual.

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Monday, December 14, 2009

Turn Around

Bonnie Tyler® brand razors. Because every now and then, you need a really good shave.

"Obtainable only from retailers"! Which is to say that those knock-off blades from the creepy Portuguese guy with bitch tits around the corner are nothing short of inferior.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Or, "How To Bang Winnie Cooper"

Ah, romance.

The Italian poet Dante was not immune to the sweet bliss to be found in the wooing of a beautiful woman. Neither were Romeo nor Cyrano de Bergerac. Goethe's Werther offed himself.
These men had desire. These men had passion. These men had burning lust.

But what they didn't have was $2.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I'm Gay For...

The slutty chair from Pee Wee's Playhouse. She taught me everything I know about what it means to be a woman, and how to please a man by making him sit on my face.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

I'm Guessing He's A Republican

If creepy anamatronic hillbillies leave you a little unsettled, I would skip this video.

When I was 13, Uncle Klunk raped me.

He used the banana.

(Also, they serve pizza. Apparently.)

Friday, October 9, 2009

No Water For Me, Thanks

Not having living during the era in which this was marketed, I naturally have questions. I have several questions.

1. Is this a joke?
2. How much does she pay for the storage locker where she keeps her intestines?
3. How was childbearing negotiated during this age? For that matter, how was conception negotiated?
4. Is the brand named "Erect Form" because, when the corset is off, the wearer topples over like a poorly designed PlayDoh sculpture?
5. No, really. Is this a joke?

I also must point out that this contraption was marketed as 'comfortable'. I have to agree on this, it does look comfortable. Then again, I sleep with bamboo shoots under my fingernails and knitting needles poked through my eyelids. Ahhhhh. So comfy. It feels just like snuggling with gramma.

Hairstyles That Need To Happen Again

That's it. Just this one. Make it happen, people.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I'm Gay For...

Jennifer Tilly.

Special thanks to Eric from www.tiptaptip.com for reminding me how much I love her.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Oh, My Aching Tiddies

Hey ladies!

Does your seatbelt dig in to your shoulders, neck or chest? Are you plagued with safety belt irritation at the site of contact? Have you ever wanted to get motorboated by a stuffed animal?

This adorable little bear will lie spread-eagled over your chest as you drive your hybrid car while wearing khakis and inoffensive pastels. The soft velour fabric feels almost sensuous against your skin. Or at least it would feel sensuous, if you hadn't given up orgasms for financial security back on your wedding day in '96.

The TiddyBear also doubles as a modesty device for today's Mormon mom-on-the-go. Is a little extra cleavage proving to be a point of contention with your husband's other 6 wives? Cover up your scandalous melon-crack with a plush chastity device.

But wait! It's not just for the ladies! Men can also use the TiddyBear! Sure, wearing a glorified Beanie Baby across your bitch tits takes a toll on your manhood, but you probably handed over the keys to your balls years ago, anyways.

And bonus- it's yellow! The colour of sunshine!

And urine.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

The Bitch Is Back

Yes, MOTHER, I have been away from the blog for far too long. I've been busy. I'm sorry. What exciting activities have been selfishly occupying my time? Since you're so fucking nosy, here's a list.

  • School
  • Volunteer fire department
  • My laughably empty social life
  • Watching movies
  • Corrupting juvies
  • Knitting afghans
  • Judging people who I catch reading "Twilight"
  • Showering with football teams to save water
  • Showering with Horshack to save Kotter
  • Cleaning the venetian blinds
  • Weeding the yard
  • Reading the bard
  • Encouraging Kanye to express himself
  • Shaving my legs
  • Shaving your legs
  • Shaving Horshack's legs
  • Enjoying the weather
  • Employing the leather
  • Sucking at life
Glad to be back. I missed you bitches.

The Irreplaceable

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Thought of the Day

Is it wrong that I get turned on while watching men eat bananas?

ABBA Met the Same Fate

I love this style of upper-body dancing. I call it "The Unfortunate War Veteran".

Also, girls-- please don't get too excited about Ken. There's not much flavour South of the border, if you know what I mean. But that hair he's rocking... that hair is man enough for twelve eunuchs. And I love his "I don't give a shit" attitude. So typical of the underground-club-coke-and-bareback-for-cash 80's man.

I forgot how 80's style was capable of morphing a 10-year old girl into a 34-year old Michigan housewife. A tightly-coiled perm, eyebrows as thick as molasses, and a good sweep of blue eyeshadow for good measure could turn Stephanie Tanner into Mrs. Seaver.

My favourite part-- skip to 0:21 when Barbie asks Ken to join the band- she's still dancing!! Bitch is a fucking slave to the rhythm! I'll bet she rode the scene hard until 1993, when she found Jesus and renounced her sinful ways. Ken left her and headed to Seattle where he played drums in a band called Reject-ulation until he got his Masters in philosophy.

Ah well... we all have to grow up sometime.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

If it's melted, it counts as a food group.

A word to the wise: Don't let yourself get so hungry that, as soon as dinner is made, you forget to turn off the stove.

Oh, This? It's Just a Pamphlet on Existentialism

I like to support small business when I can. If I need to buy a book, I try to find it at local, independantly-owned bookstores. But occasionally, I find myself in the mouth of the beast... Chapters. (Shout out to my sister Sarah-Hi! Please don't let this stop you from buying me gift cards for books!)
I guess I've been away too long, becuase on my most recept trip I found some new and curious section headers.
I come from a time (and a sensibility) in which books are categorized into such genres as Self-Help, Gardening, Wellness, Travel, Cooking, Fiction and Literature (yes, they ARE different), and so on.
So you can imagine my surprise upon discovering:
Human Resources!

American cuisine too exciting for your palate? Try... Canadian Cooking!

Need some mid-grade quality parchment with which to wipe your ass? Why not check out... James Patterson!Wait, wait, wait. That last one is fake, right. Right??

Oh. It's real. I see.

We're all fucked.

Thankfully, I have acquired a list of exciting new genres coming soon to a Chapters near you:

  • Sweatpants!
  • Armenian Baking!
  • Meercat Husbandry!
  • Pogo-Ball Maintenance!
  • Do-It Yourself REM Sleeping!

If you need me, I'll be in Hermaphrodite Erotica.

Monday, August 17, 2009

I'm Gay For...

The tiny little tables in the middle of a pizza. Sure, the adult in me knows it's there to prevent the cheese from sticking to the top of the box. But the 8-year old girl in me knows it's there so that my Barbies have a table to gather around while discussing the current Book Club selection.

"Oh Barbie, don't be so naive. Moll Flanders is no victim."

"Dammit, Skipper, you did this last month with Heart of Darkness! I have an opinion, and it shan't be stifled!"

"OK you two, simmer down. Here, have some petit fours and we'll choose our book for next month. Now, I've been hearing a lot of interest in Pynchon. But I would like to suggest Edith Wharton in honour of Stacie's upcoming trip to Boston. Now, who's for some port?"

Monday, August 10, 2009

Thought of the Day

Are you ever tempted to buy a hearing aid so your hearing becomes MEGA SUPER HEARING? I would use it not for good, but evil. And by evil, I mean eavesdropping on other people's conversations and using the acquired information to gently destroy them.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Cue Miss Grundy's Arm-Crossing Disapproval

Oh, for the days when narcotics were the only things we needed to teach our kids to avoid. What a utopian notion. Thomas More would have been pleased.

The message couldn't be more clear: experiment with drugs and end up shivering in a wooden box with a crudely-drawn vagina staring at you like the Eye of God.

Thank sweet baby Jesus that the illustrator has clearly depicted what drug users and dealers look like. Stay away from people with strange hats and ziz-zagging smiles. In fact, anyone out of the ordinary should be avaoided altogether. This includes: men with hair, women with smiles, anyone with irises in their eyes, and anyone over 1.5 feet tall.

Based purely on the font, I'm pretty sure this PSA appeared in some sort of Archie vehicle, which is hilarious because the comic featured some of the most obvious junkies of a generation.

That asshole Reggie had a huge problem with the blow. He and Veronica totally used to road trip from Riverdale to SoCal to get the good Colombian shit.

Fuckin' Moose had wicked 'roid rage and he's always pissed because his balls keep shrinking. Midge just laughs at him, so he punches her lights out.

Big Ethel has to slip some E into guys' drinks at parties, because it's the only way she can get anyone to touch her.

And please, let's not forget about the biggest basehead at Riverdale High-- Jughead. Bitch eats so many hamburgers, he shits lettuce, pickle and tomato.

Remember kids: Be wise, not weird.

Seacrest out.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Things I Hate: Office Edition

I know you feel me on these, darlings. Let's hate together. Let's love hating together. Naked.

  • Grown women who covet stuffed animals.
  • Related: Grown women who display stuffed animals and cutesy figurines at their desk. This is not going to get you a husband, girls. And while you're at it, get rid of the plushies from your bedroom, too. Nothing tells a man "Run like the wind" quite like staring into Nemo's dead, plastic eyes while plowing the HR girl.
  • The office douche-anova. If I don't fall all over you on my first day, I must be a lesbian. Or, pardon me, 'carpet muncher'.
  • When someone finds it perfectly acceptable to let me listen to their diarrhea-induced anal squirts and gurgles. Have a little shame, people. And please-- don't grunt.
  • The ever-present Asshole with a Bluetooth.
  • When management-types say things like: "Getting our ducks in a row", "Playing a little catch-up","Let's touch base", and "Coming down the pipeline".
  • Self-righteous kitchen notes. I know my mother doesn't work here, bitch. I left my mug in the sink because I'm fucking lazy.
Also-- that's not coffee. That's liquid apathy.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

An Open Letter to My Current Apartment Building

Dear Shit Shack,

Please accept this letter as notice of my imminent departure. I've found a better place.

These last three years have had their ups and downs. I'll never forget the time I came down to the parkade and found four soiled diapers waiting for me next to the garbage bin. Nor will I forget that one Christmas when the neighbours purchased singing Christmas lights which played "O Come All Ye Faithful" ad nauseum for the entirety of December. It was great background music for my final-exam study sessions.

But it wasn't all bad. You have been good to me, too-- you have provided for me. I always knew if I ever got hungry, I could pick off the cheese and dried up Italian sausage from the discarded pizza boxes which were an invariable installation next to the garage door. And I needn't ever have worried about income, because there was always a steady supply of beer bottles and empty cans of Monster Energy Drink to be found in the stairwell, ready to be cashed in.

In every relationship, communicaiton is key. And you understood this. I never felt unsure of my responsibilities or obligations to you, thanks to the endless parade of threatening letters from the resident manager. Whether a soft reminder to "Walk QUIETLY in the stairwell, don't RUN!!!!!" or a gentle prompt to "Take down ALL CHRISTMAS LIGHTS by January 3rd !!!!!!!", I always knew what was expected of me. In fact, I took one of these notices and slipped it into my scrapbook, a keepsake to remind me that "If you let any transients into the building, you will face IMMEDIATE EVICTION !!!!!!!!!"

And so it is with a full heart and an empty wallet that I make my home somewhere else. I will never forget your moisture-warped balcony door, nor will I soon forget your uneven heat distribution.

My new place will be an adjustment, it's true. But I want you to know that you'll always be in my heart, increasing in value by the maximum legal limit every 6 months.


Monday, August 3, 2009

Next Up: DIY Flip Book to Read While Being Excluded by the Other Children

I love how the photographer didn't actually snap a shot of a completed craft. I guess he figured that an unformed lump of clay being poked by one developmentally-delayed finger was the perfect image to convey the book's intended message: "Kid's a little slow? Keep 'em busy with piss-poor handicrafts. It's the best you can hope for".

Also, please note the lamentable self-righteousness: "Through their hands, they shall learn".

And what craft project is complete without swastikas?

(All jokes aside, this actually makes me really sad. I hate everyone.)


Sunday, August 2, 2009

Thought of the Day

When are they going to come out with a film version of WKRP in Cincinnati? I've been waiting like...forever.

I'm Gay For...

Robert Downey Jr.

Yes baby, of course you can snort coke off my ass. Just please don't leave me.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

This Just In: Oprah Not Conducive to Orgasm

While listening to Joel and Jenn, hosts of my favourite podcast/carnival of mortal delight that is Squidpod, I at once felt such camaraderie with Joel as he listed off qualities which he considers unfuckable. According to Mr. Squidpod, anyone who says the following is instantly off his list:
  • "On Oprah I saw..."
  • "Jenny McCarthy said..."
  • "Yoga pants are SOOO comfortable"
I feel you, my brother.

Some girls are fucking retards. So are some men (but that's another post).

Though I don't sleep with women, there are certainly boundaries which, when crossed, warrant my disdain. So, at the risk of offending some friends and the public at large (and by public at large, I mean the 6 people who read this blog), I would like to present my own list, which I like to call...

"If You Ever Say This To Me, I Will Kick You in the Clitoris":

  • "That totally reminds me of something I read in Twilight..."
  • "...and then I saw the man of my dreams. There he was, with a Bluetooth and an Ed Hardy shirt, the sun glistening on his shaven head..."
  • "Where did you put my Gilmore Girls box set?"
  • "Awwww, he treats me like a princess!"
  • "No, it's true! I read it in an email my mom forwarded to me!"
And finally, nothing earns my disgust quite like...
  • "OMG, when I saw that, I totally LOL'd!"
Dumb broad.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Not Pictured: Summons to Appear in Front of House Un-American Activities Committee

"Who's a girl gotta knock boots with ta getta Tom Collins 'round here?"

via MadMen Yourself

And He Always Wants to Control the Tunes

I long for the days before we, as a culture, harnessed the power of subliminal messages.

This offering, designed to encourage the conservation of precious fuel for the war effort, could not be more liminal. It's the advertising equivalent of printing your message on a length of 2x4 and wallopping your intended audience with it in the face.

I love how sad Hitler looks- he clearly has so many other things to do! "Ich told you to take the 508! Das highway is always bottlenecked at rush hour! Scheisse!"

Thursday, July 23, 2009

A Little Tense

For Christ's sake, fella.... It's just coffee.

If you're gonna hit her, hit her for giving your boss a rusty trombone at the office Christmas party. Jesus.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Glamorous Wedding FAIL

I love the kid on the left. He's so fucking over this shit.

This image inspires so many questions. Which one is the groom? Is it post-syphyllitic Henry VIII in the upper left hand corner? Or perhaps the toothsome Larry Flynt impersonator in the tux next to the bride?

At least we don't have to play this guessing game to find the bridesmaids. The lovely, virginal handmaids kneeling on either side of the blushing bride are clearly taking their duties very seriously.

What I wouldn't give to have been a fly on the wall during the first consultation with the wedding planner: "Ok, for your wedding, I see..... plague-era London! Hooded tunics, codpieces, doublets and calf boots as far as the eye can see! And hats? Oh, heavens, yes! Above all, hats!"

Even the people dressed normally have gotten it all wrong. Over on the right, Uncle Bruce's jacket sleeves are trying to crawl out of frame.

Tip: If you're going to have a theme wedding, make it something like "We'd really prefer monetary gifts" or "Everyone settles... eventually".


Thought of the Day

There's a lot to be said for the contributions that senior citizens make to this world. Who else would enusre that stock in Werther's Original and linament never plunge?

I'm Gay For...

There comes a point in every woman's life when she must admit she has been outfoxed. Whether she loses her husband to a Filipino transsexual named Jade, or she loses the big promotion to a 22-year old with braces and gonorrhea, she must admit defeat.

For me, that day is today. I have oficially lost the title of "Awesomeness Personified". And not just to one person, either-- there are two victors tied for first place.

Who are these specimens of wondrous hilarity, you ask? Who are these superhumans who warrant the praise of me -ME!- a woman who once had sex on the front lawn of a Catholic Church with a gay man- to bow down in defeat?

They are Joel and Jenn of squidpod.

Words are cheap, I know. I say a lot of things are awesome-- turkey stuffing, sunglasses, rocking chairs. But Joel and Jenn-- and please don't mistake the following statement for hyperbole-- are the best thing on this fucking planet since Jesus.

Don't believe me? Indulge me by considering the following excerpts from their podcasts:

Jenn: "I picked up a couple of great books the other day..."
Joel: (audible sigh of disgust)

"It twists so you can drill things in awkward places"

"Tron! It was TRON, for fuck's sakes!"

"The verb of maternity is... matronly?"

"There's days when I come home and... I don't want to live in a fart"

"It's gonna feel tight 'cause it's poking through nylon"

"You basically have 4 hands"

"...and continue to screw like crazy"

"I knew I instantly liked you when you maimed me in my eye"

"There's some squares, and they need a little bit of help. And that help is Wild Turkey"

"So I was working at my monkey research laboratory job..."

"I think he might be dead"

And my personal favourite:

"If anyone asks why your Ikea catalog has holes, tell them it's 'cause the Swedes are assholes"

Now that you Know, now that you are in sync with the universe and all of it's mysteries and pleasures, do not let this knowledge go to waste. Leave this stinking dog turd of a blog and go to squidpod. It was nice knowing you.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

No, A Flow Chart Has Nothing To Do with Menstruation

Clicking on a picture embiggens the smallest image. Related: I suck at the internet.

Choosy Moms Place Faith in Junk Science

"How soon is too soon? Not soon enough."

Mothers who love their children pour cola down their throats. And there's no such thing as too soon. Douche with it. Mix it with rum on the night of conception. Fry up the afterbirth, stick it on some rye bread and wash it all down with a Coke.

Apparently children who drink cola at an early age are more popular and are in for a "lifetime of guaranteed happiness". An outrageous claim, to be sure, but it's based on evidence collected by the Soda Pop Board of America, so you know it's non-biased.

So if you care about the future of your child, force some of the bubbly brown down his throat and make the little bastard gargle with it until his teeth fall out.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Faded Beauty, Faded Dreams

It ain't easy being a dime-dancer. Fellas coppin' a feel wherever they please, stinkin' of whiskey and trouble. When I left the farm, Mama told me about the city, she told me "Bootise, you ain't never gonna make it in that big town!" But I had myself a dream. I's gonna be the star of the stage. They's was all gonna come from miles around, just to hear me sing and watch my twinklin' toes dance all over that stage.

But Mama was right. I shouldda listened to her, and stay put at the farm. Ain't no one in this town wants to hire a chubby farm girl. They all tells me "You're too damn fat!" and they're right.

So now, I keep my figure down. I work at the Swingin' Pigeon, givin' it away for a measly dime. I still get to dance, and I really shouldna be complainin'. But I just gets hungry. I gets so hungry.