Tuesday, August 4, 2009

An Open Letter to My Current Apartment Building

Dear Shit Shack,

Please accept this letter as notice of my imminent departure. I've found a better place.

These last three years have had their ups and downs. I'll never forget the time I came down to the parkade and found four soiled diapers waiting for me next to the garbage bin. Nor will I forget that one Christmas when the neighbours purchased singing Christmas lights which played "O Come All Ye Faithful" ad nauseum for the entirety of December. It was great background music for my final-exam study sessions.

But it wasn't all bad. You have been good to me, too-- you have provided for me. I always knew if I ever got hungry, I could pick off the cheese and dried up Italian sausage from the discarded pizza boxes which were an invariable installation next to the garage door. And I needn't ever have worried about income, because there was always a steady supply of beer bottles and empty cans of Monster Energy Drink to be found in the stairwell, ready to be cashed in.

In every relationship, communicaiton is key. And you understood this. I never felt unsure of my responsibilities or obligations to you, thanks to the endless parade of threatening letters from the resident manager. Whether a soft reminder to "Walk QUIETLY in the stairwell, don't RUN!!!!!" or a gentle prompt to "Take down ALL CHRISTMAS LIGHTS by January 3rd !!!!!!!", I always knew what was expected of me. In fact, I took one of these notices and slipped it into my scrapbook, a keepsake to remind me that "If you let any transients into the building, you will face IMMEDIATE EVICTION !!!!!!!!!"

And so it is with a full heart and an empty wallet that I make my home somewhere else. I will never forget your moisture-warped balcony door, nor will I soon forget your uneven heat distribution.

My new place will be an adjustment, it's true. But I want you to know that you'll always be in my heart, increasing in value by the maximum legal limit every 6 months.