Thursday, October 30, 2008

Five Things I Will Never Understand About Halloween




1. Halloween costumes that feature the photo slash name of the entity it represents. A Ninja Turtle does not wear a green bib that says "Ninja Turtle"

2. How my body can metabolize 4 kilos of halloween candy.

3. The mystical quality/ magic ingredient that makes Cheezies so irresistable

4. How ANYONE can look me in the eye and tell me they don't love the video for "Thriller"

5. Why this glorious day comes no more than once a year







Saturday, October 25, 2008

Consider It Reduced


But..... what does it mean??


Where do I even begin with this? Have the reductions already been taken? Are the reductions pending 'taken'?


I feel it necessary to point out that this sign graces the window of a plus-size store, which leads to more questions. Do the purported reductions involve the clothing itself? Or the size of the salespeople?
Some mysteries were never meant to be solved.

Friday, October 24, 2008

I Hope Someone Throws Up In His Face On Halloween

And in our newest "White Trash Fabulous" line, here is Tucker modelling the rib-tickling Suicide Bomber costume. Paired with the Saudi headdress, the plush dynamite and detonator will be sure to "blow away" the neighbors this trick-or-treating season.

Next up, how you can stitch together a wedding dress in minutes using disassembled maxi pads! It's a bargain hunters dream, period!


Marcel Marceau Is Silently Expressing His Concern.


Life, she has not been good to me.

Zees is why, when I wake from ze four-day slumber brought to me by ze angels of Absinthe, j'aime buver ze Chocolat Poulain. Because, as we say in Paree, "Better chocolat zan a pistol to ze face"

Source

Friday, October 17, 2008

Unsettling As It Gets



I'll just give you the gist of this one:

1. Husband locks wife out of the bedroom due to her smelly snatch.

2. Divorce papers are drawn up.

3. Don't let this happen to you. Douche with Lysol.

4. Smell gone.

5. Happily ever after.

Source

Thursday, October 16, 2008

A Few of My Favorite Words

Precision, emprisioned, nihilist, masticate, emancipate, ecumenical, she-male, rescind, pontificate, occipital, crusade, rhetoric, correlation, tongue, autumn, olfactory, exemplify, empirical, imperial, fever, scrumptious, modifier, tablet, sexualized, maple, immigrant, summation, indecent, Chaucer, forensic, patriarchal, auger, esoteric, sublime, transcendant, allele, fortitude, supplement, linament, emancipate, matrix, reconcile, hustler, memoir, villify, sanctity, annihilate, swell, dextrous, prostrate, ambivalent, ho-bag.

Also, I HATE when people randomly use the word disestablishmentarianism. What are you trying to prove?

But my favorite word of all time?

douchebaggery: [dus-bAEgEri] the state of being, or the activity of acting like a douche. Fr. douche, as v., to cleanse one's vagina by means of a nozzled apparatus. As n., an object consisting of a nozzle attached to a bag, containing fluids which cleanse the inner and outer vaginal area.

I refuse to bestow a title unto this post.


Sarah Palin? Really?

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

An Open Letter to Scientology

Fuck you.
That's right. I'm talking to you, Scientology.
Fuck you.

Who do you think you are?
First, let's talk about pedigree. A science-fiction writer? Really?
Because, the last time I checked, sci-fi authors were right next to infomercial hosts in the Least Credible Human Beings department. Following a religion that was started by a sci-fi writer is as ridiculous as following some treasure hunter who found a few golden plates in..... wait..... Nevermind.

And you really know your faith will hold up to the test of time if the only way you can get people into your church is to trick them. And don't underestimate the power of B- and C-list celebrities as spokespeople. Nothing says "Respite Of The Soul" like closeted middle-aged caucasian men.

Next, we'll move on to doctrine.
Or, at least we'll move on to doctrine in theory, because apparently you have no doctrine. Watching a Scientology conversion video is like trying to have an orgasm for 7 hours. Nothing is actually accomplished, and you get so frustrated you want to chainsaw someone's face off.

Also, who is this Xenu person? Because I could have sworn it was a fabrication of L. Ron Hubbard's imagination... You know, just some standard H.G Wells-ish bad guy. But I was wrong.... Xenu came here a long time ago and messed up our shit, and his grandchildren stayed here to make life difficult for people. Not like Concentration Camp-difficult, but "My family just doesn't GET me"-difficult.

As if this laundry list of foolishness wasn't enough, you also demand huge amounts of cash from your followers. There is absolutely no precedent in Western Civilization for asking parishoners to pony up mon....oh........wait....

I was wrong.

I guess you are a legitimate religion.

Please find enclosed your tax exemption forms.

Regards,
M. Wood