Saturday, June 27, 2009

Oh, The Woes of the Middle Class

Dear Resident Manager whom I will, one day, draw and quarter,

Hey there. We have a situation. Since November, the second of the two washing machines on my floor has been broken. Nope-- correction. It has been broken, repaired by your 80-year old husband, broken again, and again repaired. The cycle begins anew every 2 weeks or so. Now mathematics has never been my strongest area of expertise, but it is my calculation that this machine has been broken for 255 of the last 270 days. Clearly, this repair job is ineffective. Actually, I feel strange using the word 'repaired', because we both know this is not what he does. This is the same man who replaced a fuse on my stove... with another fuse from my stove. Now, instead of a malfunctioning right burner, I have a malfunctioning left burner. I blame myself, really. I obviously need to be more specific.

Please, please, please hire a real repairman for the building. I know you love your husband, but he is as useless as a hat full of busted assholes. The man has no clue now to fix shit. My Aunt Nita could do a better job. And she's 98 years old. And she's dead.

I suppose having two washing machines in good working order for a floor with 30+ residents is a lot to ask. Believe me, we've tried to make due. We currently solve the problem as follows: each Sunday, we draw straws to determine who will get to wash their clothes that week. It's kind of fun, actually. When I awake on the Lord's Day, I'm never sure if I'm going to have clean clothes that week, or if I'll have to rotate my wardrobe another 360 degrees. It's terribly exciting, really. It kind of makes me feel powerful and dangerous. Like the sun.

One thing I ask of you, however, is to actually empty out the stagnant wash water from the broken machine. I'm sure you're aware that the machine always breaks mid-cycle, leaving a basin full of grey water. I'm not in love with seeing the floating crust of dirty clothes. You think I'm exaggerating? Observe.





Yummy.

Love,
Michelle

P.S. I'm fucking serious. I will have you drawn and quartered. It hurts.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Thought of the Day


Why don't people still get glamour shots? They were so... just... glamourous.


Because I'm a Legend In My Own Mind. And In Yours.

James Lipton's Ten Questions.

1. What is your favourite word?
Reciprocity

2. What is your least favourite word?
Prolapse

3. What turns you on?
Really good cologne, and Daniel-Day Lewis as Bill the Butcher in "Gangs of New York".

4. What turns you off?
Reciprocal prolapses

5. What is your favourite curse word?
'Cunt'. I so rarely get a chance to use it, though. People are so sensitive about being called 'cunty' these days.

6. What sound or noise do you love?
Thunder, and the sound of the bones cracking in my neck.

7. What sound or noise do you hate?
When someone's nose is whistling. Or the creepy accents that men in California have.

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
I would like to get my Ph. D in sass. Also, I would like to work the machine that makes those little donuts.

9. What profession would you not like to attempt?
Anything in sales or professional sports.

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"Welcome home. You did a great job, but next time around, can we please watch the goddamn language?"

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Synergy, We Hardly Knew Ye

Care to take a little stroll down memory lane?
No?
Too fucking bad. Watch it.







....?

What the hell were we thinking in the 80's?

So, Synergy is Clash? No? So she's the polar opposite of Clash? And she can jam Jem's concert with scary crotch-rays? But she can also make Clash into Jericha. But Jericha is actually Jem, right? And The Holograms are actual holograms? But, where does Jem come from in the first place? How does this work?

Looking back at the 80's, it's easy to see the tremendous effect that all the blow and Flock of Seagulls had on us.


As a child, I was a huge fan of Jem. I asked, begged, PLEADED for a Jem doll for Christmas. When I finally got one, I experienced such deep disappointment.

Jem is a fucking tranny. I know this, because I ran to my room to get my Ken doll as comparaison. She is bigger than Ken, has no hips, and her face bears the expression of an individual who is straining under the pain of a poorly-executed tuck.

Actually, upon further inspection, I'd venture to guess she has the shit sweats from a long night of Boone's Strawberry Hill and Moons Over My Hammy.


Also- please note the earrings. They stick into her head like voodoo needles. Once, I poked them into her neck and pretended she was Frankenstein. "Raaaaarrr!"

Don't even get me started on the hair.

I'm Gay For...

This place.



Why?
The coffee= other-worldly.
The music= delightful.
And best of all, it makes me feel gloriously pretentious.

Caffe Artigiano, I heart you.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Heart-Breaker, Love-Taker


At 30, this kid sold your Dad a used Camaro and impregnated your cousin.
Every Philip Seymour Hoffman character could learn a thing or two from him.

Craigslist: Take Two.



Here we go again. This is gonna be wet and wild. May I suggest a diaper?

Lonely, depressed, need feminine touch - 22
Tall, handsome, highly unique personality, but I'm lonely and depressed. I need a woman in my life to inspire me. Drink of my masculine energy, it is the + to your -

(Translation: I'm crazy. Swallowers only).

no pissin around
no i dont want a chat friend. no i dont want to get to know you over the internet. im looking for a woman who just wants to meet a nice guy. yes im good looking, yes im self sufficient and yes im looking for an attractive girl who wants to have dinner and see if theres sparks. nothing lost- nothing gained i do not respond to e-mails with out your photo. dont wast my time and i wont wast yours.

(Translation: I'm bettr than you. If you're not gorgeous and perfect, you're a time wastr).

Seeking inexp lady for LTR - 32 (downtown)
Hi, this may seem like an odd request...however i would love to find a gal that is fairly unexperienced with men. She should be any age, enjoy going out for a night of town, and looking for someone that is interested in an ongoing thing if all works out. The thought of being able to mould a perfect lover is something that interests me...

(Ya. This is a really shocking request. You want to nail a virgin. Welcome to being male).

Good Looking Guys Seeks Female Midget (Calgary)
Hello Little People of Calgary, You'd better beleive that you are in for a treat! I'm a very attractive and ambitious man (mid twenties) and I am genuinely interested in getting to know you. Your Qualifications: -Must enjoy wine & dancing -Like trying new experiences and learning about new culture -Must be fun and easy going -Capable of carying intelligent conversation -Under the age of 35 -4'10" or shorter only! About Me: -Positive, spontaneous, smart, and fun. -Irresistible charm I guarantee you that you will go crazy over me (and, in the event that I kind of enjoy you too, we will get along wonderfully).


(Translation: Let me throw you around, then call you 'midget' till you cry. You'd better beleive I will!)

Not Interested - 23
Don't reply to this ad, or read it for that matter. I'm not your sugar daddy, and I have no interest in 'hook-ups' (as the cool kids say) or whatever. Just looking for someone to talk with right now, and possibly more if we 'click'. Anyone with a BMI >25 need not apply. No prostitutes.
(How did Mr. Charisma last this long without being snatched up? I'm sure his mother has no idea, either).

Looking for lady to ride with me - 46 (Calgary)
I am planning a motorcycle trip this weekend. Need a female passenger to keep me company Destination is open for discussion.

(Tranlsation: Get on my bike. Don't ask questions. This rope might seem a little snug, but you'll get used to it. Ok, now you're asking questions. I've got duct tape in here somewhere...)

BEND OVER FOR Che Guevara - 31 (Calgary)
The nation of Iran is going through so much turmoil, freedom fighters are marching in, crowds are singing , history in making, you have seen it on TV now it is your turn to join history, immortalize yourself: I am an Iranian guy who can not join the revolution, neither can I participate in joyous beatings , I am full of energy and move and yet ... I think it helps if I fuck a random pussy , I think I will able to concentrate more on strategic tactics afterward. So join the revolution, now or never, you don't get many chances like this in your otherwise dull life. By fucking me, you have indeed fucked the representative of a whole lot of revolutionaries, I am your fucking Che Guara.

(Translation: Not needed. Refreshing honesty is more than appreciated).

This boy needs you..... - 30 (Calgary)
Hello Ladies.... I am a cute Teddybear, so luvable and so down to earth. I am looking for someone to hang with on those downer dayz and see where it takes us? Maybe a quiet movie in or out??? Maybe go for some drinks??? Maybe go for a stroll??? Maybe we'll jus hug for a long long time??? I am looking for you... I don't care if your big or small, short or tall, What your age is, or what your ethnicity is. Who is gonna bite on this ad??? Anyone out there???

(Tranlsation: My mom kicked me out, so you have to be just like her. We don't have to have sex every week, do we? Can't we just hold hands? I love you! Hugs! More hugs! Snuggles! Hey, where are you going? Why are you running so fast? I NEED you!)

lick my ass - 56
Looking for a girl who's willing to lick my ass after taking a big crap. It's a weird fetish I have.

(Translation: I ran out of toilet paper).

Natural Beauty




Ladies, clearly we all have some catching up to do.




via Dlisted



Monday, June 22, 2009

Thought of the Day

A bloated white businessman refused to open the window for an old lady on the train today. I think I'll stalk him for a few weeks, get him nice and scared, then sneak up on him in the alley and punch him in the dick.

I'm Gay For...

Her.

This is one of my best girlfriends. She is the proprietor of a significant piece of real estate in my heart. To me she is... perfect.

Part of my unconditional love for her stems from her ability to attract crazies and uncomfortable situations. It is... inspiring.

Observe.


Dear Chantal Hébert...


A little lipstick goes a long way.



Love, Michelle


Sunday, June 21, 2009

An Open Letter to Manwich Sloppy Joe Sauce

Hey, bitch.

It's me, your #1 fan. I know, that sounds so Annie Wilkes, but I really don't care.


Why are you so fucking great?


I mean, all you are is glorified ketchup. Sure, there's some garlic salt and worchestershire sauce in you, but that's about it.


I usually save you for special occasions, like when I'm camping and I've blitzed myself retarded at 2 am. Why do I limit my consumption of you? My life needs you in it, every goddamn day. Sure, I might be inviting tapeworms into my colon, but true love is all about sacrifice.


You exist in a perfect cylindrical-shaped vessel, waiting, wanting me to open you. And then, a perfect climax--dripping dowm my chin, into my decolleté.


You are all I ever needed. Whenever you're around, all I have to do is find some meat, and get it near my biscuit.


Story of my life.


Love,

Michelle

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Where Does He Hide Them?


It takes some serious balls to rip your own arm off as a warning. Daisy Duck must get it pretty regular.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Because Inquiring Minds Need to Know

What happens when I insert a device into my computer? Observe.
Yes, it really is me.
Maybe next time I'll tell you what happens when something comes into my Inbox.


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Thought of the Day

Whatever happened to opium dens?

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Freud and Marx Were Right-- We Fetishize Everything

In my search for Cakewrecks, I typed in 'cake' and Google auto-predicted that I might be instead looking for Cake Farts. Sure, Google, you've never led me astray before. I trust you. I'll just click on this link and....

Hmmm. I see. Excuse me, I have to go jump off my balcony now.

WARNING: Links to adult content. Not for the faint of heart. Please don't watch this. Ever.

http://www.cakefarts.com/

He Also Said He's Not Ready to Commit to Something Serious

What do you say to the graduate with absolutely no prospects on his horizon? What sentiment fits such a bleak, uncertain occasion?

This cake depresses me deeply. Is it the Wal-Mart shade of blue? The utter lack of punctuation, denoting an utter lack of emotion? The well-wisher seems not to even care enough about poor Evan to grant him the full words 'love you'.

This is the pastry equivalent to getting a card from your sweetheart with an inscription that reads: Love Ya :)

You're in my heart, Evan. Deep in my <3


Via Cakewrecks

Friday, June 12, 2009

Just a Squirt


Slow day. I need a template.


What are you doing right now?

Smokin' on a night train, chewin' on a jelly roll.


How many times have you been kissed today?

Does it count if I kiss myself? If it does, then 73.


What song is your ringtone?

Right now it's "Papa Was a Rolling Stone", but I'm most proud of getting the stink eye from some uptight bitch in Costco when my phone rang to "Erotica" by Madonna. I live to get the stink eye from strangers.


Rain or sun?

Rain. Sun is far too obvious and unimaginative.


What was your first job?

Fluffer at an assisted living facility.


Who was your favourite teacher?

My grade 8 English teacher, Mr. Mitchell. He was actually the son of W.O. Mitchell, and he loved to tell us stories about his dad getting spectacularly blitzed in rural Saskatchewan.


Wind, water, earth, or fire?

Who's asking these questions? The fucking Planeteers?


What is your favourite perfume?

Irrelevant Cheap Slag by Jessica Simpson. I wear it well.


Coke or Pepsi?

Seriously? Are these questions from like 1993? I feel like I'm taking the Pepsi Taste Test Challenge in a sad suburban mall. By the way, it's neither. Club Soda. What? I like it with lime. Caffeine makes me panic.


What do you wear to bed?

A smile. And a squirt of Irrelevant Cheap Slag by Jessica Simpson. I wear them well.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Asshole Seeks Same


One of my favourite activities is searching Craigslist for... anything. I've recently discovered that the personals offer the most interesting listings. A sample, complete with Asshole-to-English translation:




seeking older, attached & or neglected - 44 (south)

I'm attached and am looking for an encounter with an attached/neglected woman. Your needs & beauty have been ignored and I'm the one to make you feel like the woman you are. Your age isn't too important but would prefer between 30 - 55...of course this isn't written in stone. I'm clean, safe, attentive & affectionate.and want to please you in anyway you desire. Of course there will be NSA...but if you would like to make it an occasional event, that would be fine too. I'm 6'tall, 165lbs, attractive and in good shape. DISCRETION IS EXPECTED & ASSURED

(Translation: Pussy. Any age. No offers turned down).


very exciting to have real women for love (calgary)

honest , seriouce , funny , easy going , friendly , open minded , i love trying new things ,watch movies , traveling , sport .... i do like see news in morning ,with coffee , i do belive in love built on truth and trust , i am very exciting to heard from you if you are interested , if not plz accepte all my respect and have wonderfull times

(Translation: Fuck me. Stay for breakfast).


Do you want to sell me your panties - 24 (U of C area)
I have a huuuge panty fetish. I'd like to purchase a pair. I'd like them to be well-worn, strongly scented, and wet. I'll pay $50/pair. I'm actually a very normal guy but where else can I satisfy a fetish like this. I'm a normal grad student, very polite and respectful. I'd like you to be reasonably fit and attractive. After all, I will be thinking of you when I go home!
(Translation: Fucking yikes).


Toronto Banana Boy Coming To Town - 38 (Toronto To Calgary)

(Translation: Moving on....)


New to pussy - m4mw - 20 (Calgary)

Hey im a gay male but i wanna try pussy with a couple i got pics plz get back thanx

(Translation: Holes wanted).


looking for a date tonite - 34 (sw)

my buddy's b-day tonite and looking for a date nsa just looking for some female company blind dates r awsome im 6 foot 190 lbs bald nice build tattoos peircings anyway reply back my name is B.J and the sooner the better

(Translation: Bitch, you better reply to me now so I can slap you around a bit before dinner).


Mental Problems-23, SouthEast
I have all sorts of problems, such as being insecure, fat, ugly, balding, and (generally speaking) I am a total failure at life. I'd make a lousy companion, as I won't do anything nice for you, and I don't give a fuck aboot your problems. I'm an asshole and will be more than happy to make you feel bad aboot yourself if it makes me feel better. Your pic gets mine.

(Translation: Not needed. This guy is obviously the cream of the crop. Like, for realsies. Bitches always be complainin' about guys who can't make them laugh. Jump on this one, ladies).


And finally, my absolute favourite:


like to suck pipe? - 30 (north calgary)

looking for chicks that like to get high and have sex with strangers -- i supply you service

(Translation: Better start picking out the wedding china).


Monday, June 8, 2009

I'm Gay For...

The forest.



Also-- a tree bed? Yes, please.


Sunday, June 7, 2009

Thought of the Day

Fellas:
If you're shaking a lady's hand, please don't seize it and shake as if you just sold her a tractor.

Friday, June 5, 2009

I Like Mine Double Stuffed


As promised to one Ms. Tara Clancy,
I present.... all 31 ways.
  • With a firm hand
  • With a soft hand
  • With curled fingers
  • With your mouth
  • On the go
  • On the rag
  • On the run
  • With a nun
  • With a bun
  • Naked
  • With a naked nun
  • With a hand full of Vaseline
  • With extra tomatoes
  • With extra pickles
  • With Don Rickles
  • On the way to work
  • On the way home
  • On the way to Nome
  • With a gnome
  • With a gnu
  • With Apu
  • On your birthday
  • On my birthday
  • On Don Rickles' birthday
  • On brown bread
  • On white bread
  • With Bill & Ted
  • Without a haggle
  • Without a Fraggle
  • With a lit Bic
  • With a lit mick

Hey Tara, remember that time YOU woke up in a shopping cart??

Monday, June 1, 2009

Puberty? What's that?!?

Say, Coach!
Why am becoming increasingly socially awkward? Why do my parents refuse to look me in the eyes anymore? Why do I smell funny? Why does George look at me like that?

Coach!? COACH!?