Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Where The Buffalo Roam


My Dream House

Highlights:
-Library (no paperbacks, thank you) with a large writing desk mit blotter. Next to said desk are antique cut-crystal decanters filledwith scotch (namely Glenkinchie) and free flowing wine (Chateauneuf-du-Pape or even a nice Cotes du Rhone will do just fine). Oh yes, and a large globe. So fucking civilized.

-French country kitchen with marble-topped counters, fines herbes growing in a pot on the windowsill

-Manor-style four poster canopy bed

-Did I mention the wine and books?
(Sadly, I will never, ever get to own this gem located en Provence because I have chosen the underpaid profession of elementary school teacher. I will tenderly mould the soft brains of your over-indulged children, just so they can get hooked on crystal meth at 17 and move out with their 32 year-old boyfriend named Jason.)

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Don't Shoot the Messenger

Or, shall I say "Preese, no shoot me, humbre Westerna man!!"




I know, right?!?!?! I love how this video has been assigned the tag 'Borderline Racist'. If this is borderline anything, it's the borderline between a Bob Hope stand-up routine and a typical Saturday night with the Klan.

I feel that I must bring attention to the fact that, while this ad ran in the 60's, I was born in 1981 and I can remember colouring with Crayola crayons which had colours named 'Indian Red' and 'Flesh' (that is to say, caucasian flesh. Obviously, they made the same mistake as those crazy Old Testament writers who confused skin with flesh. "Oy, what a mistake I've made!" says Rabbi Krustofski).

This abominaiton is actually *terribly* appropriate for me to have found today, because mere hours ago, I attended a lecture on Orientalism at my post-secondary home away from home.
Edward Said, this one's for you, big daddy.

(By the way, I'm pretty sure Poor Chinese-Type Baby's mother is Betty Rubble. I always knew she would leave Barney... I bet she caught him and Fred 'polishing' each other's 'bowling balls'.)

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Lap Jockey, Take Two


Is it just me, or does this REALLY look like Katherine Hepburn? Not even like young K. Hep, but the Kathy we know from On Golden Pond? Was she still getting it regular at that age?

Anyway, I digress.

I've become increasingly fascinated with these ads-- they all seem to follow the same formula:

*Clean (aka caucasian middle-class) 'girl' to tempt the unsheathed member.
*Hold on there, cowboy!
*Revelation of sluttishness and disease.
*The more you know

Also-- "prophylaxis"? Is this the state of being equipped with slash wearing a prophylactic? It kind of sounds like some weird German sex fetish involving choking on a condom.


In other news, Kittens.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Just Released: Grapefruits are Awesome!


This infomercial has the same confusing, misplaced aggression as my current favourite, "ShamWOW!" .

Also, please note the 'Before' at the 0:57 mark... I'm pretty sure it's Mama Cass.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Why I Love St. Patrick's Day


1. Green in the new black.


2. Puke is the new yack.


3. Some of my favourite people are Irish.


4. Slutty girls at the bar rubbing up on guys all day long as if it were 1:30am.


5. Number 12 green food dye makes whoever you're talking with look like they just gave a sloppy BJ to the green CareBear. (I'm looking at you, McTeer).


6. Everyone busts out a story relating the purported Irish-ness of their lineage. "My uncle's third wife was married to an Irish guy".


7. Three words: Leprechauns are hung.