Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I'm Gay For...

There comes a point in every woman's life when she must admit she has been outfoxed. Whether she loses her husband to a Filipino transsexual named Jade, or she loses the big promotion to a 22-year old with braces and gonorrhea, she must admit defeat.

For me, that day is today. I have oficially lost the title of "Awesomeness Personified". And not just to one person, either-- there are two victors tied for first place.

Who are these specimens of wondrous hilarity, you ask? Who are these superhumans who warrant the praise of me -ME!- a woman who once had sex on the front lawn of a Catholic Church with a gay man- to bow down in defeat?

They are Joel and Jenn of squidpod.

Words are cheap, I know. I say a lot of things are awesome-- turkey stuffing, sunglasses, rocking chairs. But Joel and Jenn-- and please don't mistake the following statement for hyperbole-- are the best thing on this fucking planet since Jesus.

Don't believe me? Indulge me by considering the following excerpts from their podcasts:

Jenn: "I picked up a couple of great books the other day..."
Joel: (audible sigh of disgust)

"It twists so you can drill things in awkward places"

"Tron! It was TRON, for fuck's sakes!"

"The verb of maternity is... matronly?"

"There's days when I come home and... I don't want to live in a fart"

"It's gonna feel tight 'cause it's poking through nylon"

"You basically have 4 hands"

"...and continue to screw like crazy"

"I knew I instantly liked you when you maimed me in my eye"

"There's some squares, and they need a little bit of help. And that help is Wild Turkey"

"So I was working at my monkey research laboratory job..."

"I think he might be dead"

And my personal favourite:

"If anyone asks why your Ikea catalog has holes, tell them it's 'cause the Swedes are assholes"

Now that you Know, now that you are in sync with the universe and all of it's mysteries and pleasures, do not let this knowledge go to waste. Leave this stinking dog turd of a blog and go to squidpod. It was nice knowing you.