Saturday, August 1, 2009

This Just In: Oprah Not Conducive to Orgasm

While listening to Joel and Jenn, hosts of my favourite podcast/carnival of mortal delight that is Squidpod, I at once felt such camaraderie with Joel as he listed off qualities which he considers unfuckable. According to Mr. Squidpod, anyone who says the following is instantly off his list:
  • "On Oprah I saw..."
  • "Jenny McCarthy said..."
  • "Yoga pants are SOOO comfortable"
I feel you, my brother.

Some girls are fucking retards. So are some men (but that's another post).

Though I don't sleep with women, there are certainly boundaries which, when crossed, warrant my disdain. So, at the risk of offending some friends and the public at large (and by public at large, I mean the 6 people who read this blog), I would like to present my own list, which I like to call...

"If You Ever Say This To Me, I Will Kick You in the Clitoris":

  • "That totally reminds me of something I read in Twilight..."
  • "...and then I saw the man of my dreams. There he was, with a Bluetooth and an Ed Hardy shirt, the sun glistening on his shaven head..."
  • "Where did you put my Gilmore Girls box set?"
  • "Awwww, he treats me like a princess!"
  • "No, it's true! I read it in an email my mom forwarded to me!"
And finally, nothing earns my disgust quite like...
  • "OMG, when I saw that, I totally LOL'd!"
Dumb broad.


PinkPanthress said...

OFMG, when I saw this list, I totally LOL'd! XD

squidpod said...

"If You ever say this to me, I will kick you in the Clitoris." should be a Mantra or battle cry... Or at the very least on letterhead.

Tip Tap Tip said...

I'm not sure if the labels at the bottom of this post are auto-generated or not but they are brilliant regardless.

"Bluetooth, foolishness, Rant, Stupid People, vomit"

Tres bien!

Anonymous said...

I like guys with shaved heads.
Also, my mom is a crazy crazy crazy savvy woman. I believe any and every forward she sends to me.
If this makes you hate me I will kick you in the clitoris.

Matt said...

I was too distracted by that lovely face Oprah was making to read this entry, but I'm sure it was great any way.

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