Sunday, May 31, 2009

Cybersex Transcript

via Hokie

Enjoy.

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?

BritneySpears14: Aight.

bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.

BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.

bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.

BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.

bloodninja: Me too baby.

BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.

bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.

BritneySpears14: Hey...

bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.

BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.

bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.

BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.

bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me b!%c#, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.

BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of $#!%.

bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?

Friday, May 29, 2009

Films In-Depth: Terminator Salvation


Explosions. Dirty things. Lots of metal. No shots of Christian Bale without his shirt on.

Hated it.




Thought of the Day

What if BOTH sides of the pillow are too hot?

Friday Filmstrips

Just in case you haven't seen it....

Prop 8 The Musical

I'm Gay For...


Bruce Springsteen.

Then and now.


Where's The Fava Beans?


Somebody get this girl something to eat, stat. I must point out that she is actually not looking at the bread, but at Mommy's meaty paws.
And I'm not sure why, but she kind of reminds me of Kirsten Dunst. Maybe it's the sociopathic desperation in her eyes.


Thursday, May 28, 2009

They Don't Make 'Em Like They Used To

I have never been more confused or felt stupider (stupider?!?) than I did after watching this ad. So wait.... they're Cornflakes, but they're made with rice? And corn?
And the pig. The pig?!? No wait, it's a chicken. But it's actually a cow.

The content is also shamelessly centered around the potency inherent in crunchy cereal. Please note the gun (American masculinity) that turns into a noodle (impotence) when pointed at a cow (the sacred female).

Oh, and the use of American Gothic= brilliant. Like, actually.

Also-- I dare you to watch this and not have it stuck in your head for the rest of the day.

Golly! A Weenie Roast!

This is a post-WWII short film in which a creepy man's disembodied voice instructs teenagers on how to be popular.
Highlights:
  • Homoeroticism
  • Nutrition deficiency resulting in confusion surrounding scarves vs. mittens
  • Young girls answering the phone like 80-year old women
  • Sluts with pointy breasts
  • Phallic imagery
  • Teen Town (?!?)
  • Affirmation of established gender roles
  • Financial instability
  • Blanco-centric social values

Enjoy, my darling bitches!

Note: This is (I'm In Parentheses)'s first-ever video edit. Why didn't anyone tell me it was so difficult? I hate you all.

NAW!! Just kidding, I love you all! Especially you.



Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I'm Gay For...


Beer. Cold, frosty beer.

Thought of the Day

This recession blows goats for bus fare.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Tattoo FAIL

There is nothing more satisfying that seeing stupid people branded with marks equal to or greater than their own stupidity.


I can't write my disdain fast enough.

Let's explore the iconographic significance of this objet d'art:

  • (Bugs?) Bunny, with pierced bunny ear and assymetrical hat angle for extra badassness= Tattoo owner is no friend to authority
  • Early 90's-style peace sign tee= Allusion to the plight of Tibetans to gain independance
  • Loose yet form-fitting slacks= Tattoo owner knows how to party, but can also clean up good for church and Grandma's house
  • Nike high-tops= Socio-political commentary on the commodification of children as sweatshop workers
  • Pole in hand= Obviously represents pole-vaulting. Duh.

Photo

Where Do You Work Out?

For your consideration, may I present:

...and...



Just sayin'.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Thy Will Be Done, But After Ours




In my meanderings of the interweb, I recently came across a piece of U.S history—words spoken by General Patton. Bad, rainy weather had immobalized his troops, and he decided to call upon higher powers to intercede.

General Patton: “Chaplain, I want you to publish a prayer for good weather. I’m tired of these soldiers having to fight mood and floods as well as Germans. See if we can’t get God to work on our side.”


The resulting prayer, which was distributed by the U.S. Army with Patton’s Christmas greetings, called upon God
“to restrain these immoderate rains with which we have had to contend. Grant us fair weather for Battle. Graciously harken to us as soldiers who call upon Thee that, armed with Thy power, we may advance from victory to victory, and crush the oppression and wickedness of our enemies, and establish Thy justice among men and nations. Amen”.

Translation:

Hey, God! We’re trying to win. Please stop the rain, which you, in your infinite wisdom, have decided to bless us with. We arm ourselves with your power, and AK47’s. Bazookas too, but mostly your power. Your power is soooooo powerful. It’s so powerful, it can create rain to water our crops and nourish our cattle so that we can eat and drink and survive. But stop the rain. Pretty please. We fight in your name, and in your name we pray, please stop exerting your power. Your will be done. Please conform to our will. Love, Us.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Thought of the Day

I hate it when people refer to Las Vegas as 'Sin City' in a non-ironic way.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

I'm Gay For...


Watermelon. The jucier, the better.


This Just In: Crazy Bitch Smokes Pall Malls

The payoff comes at the 0:50 second mark.





Happy Tuesday, my lovelies.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Better Put On a Pot of Coffee, This Might Take a While

Like many of you, my life has been slowly eroding before my eyes. Swine flu, recession woes, global warming, anal leakage... It all eats away at our quality of life.

But now, we see a light at the end of the tunnel. Your favourite hooker-assaulting, meth-smoking TV pitchman, Vince Shlomi is back. Forget that crusty old bitch ShamWOW!, because the Slap Chop will survive in the historical archives marked 'Zeitgeist' for centuries to come.

I am honoured to present the first (I'm In Parentheses) screening of Vince Shlomi's Slap Chop. Enjoy.

3

2

1





Let's forget for a moment that this product hasn't existed for 17 years. Let's also forget that this product is so useless that we've each used this product exactly once in these past 17 years.

Instead, let us please turn our attention to the human embodiment of the divine that is Vince.

Where do I even fucking start?

"All day long, you're going to be slapping our troubles away." This is a pretty substantial statement, especially in light of Vince's recent assault on a prostitute by means of punching and... slapping. And though I feel that the obvious allusion to masturbation is far too lowbrow for this blog, I will nonetheless make reference to it.

I also love Vince's blessed advice to us all: "Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life." Now, I haven't received my Liberal Arts degree YET, but since it is less than a year away from completion, I feel I am qualified to offer my literary assessment. This. is. poetry.
Not since Ezra Pound has the essence of the human experience been captured in so few words.

In closing, let us remember that if Vince can do it with one finger, we can do it with our whole hand.
Just keep slappin' away.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Thought of the Day

Perfect Strangers had the best intro and theme song ever.

After All, Easter is the Guilt Holiday


Let's talk logistics here:
  • Buying eggs
  • Hard boiling eggs
  • Finding/buying crayons to write on aforementioned eggs
  • Writing on eggs
  • Dyeing eggs (multiple colours)
  • Putting eggs in travel-safe container
  • Carrying eggs to work
  • Placing eggs strategically in fridge
  • Awaiting (inevitable!) cleaning of fridge
Versus:
  • Pull garbage can over to fridge
  • Throw out all contents of fridge
I especially love the underlined "CLEAN" so as to add emphasis.
"Clean the fridge", as opposed to
"Strategically place pre-prepared Easter eggs in fridge to remind nameless entity other than oneself to clean fridge".
I am *so* glad I don't work in an office anymore.