Monday, April 13, 2009

RANT: Creepy Next-Door Neighbour.

It's me, the girl who lives next to you! I know you know who I am, because you've seen me walking into my apartment many, many times. I also have looked at you with scornful contempt after watching you dump disgusting garbage sans bag down the garbage chute.

I just wanted to send a quick note to say what a creep you are. I'm not sure what the specific infractions are, but I know that you're violating your parole.
When you make those frighteningly violent noises at about 1:30 in the afternoon, I have to put my textbook down to explore the possibilities. What are you doing to make such a sound? I would describe it as sounding like a bag of potatoes being hurled at a wood-panelled wall, followed by the wailing lament of damned souls.
I have reflected on this, for lo these past 3 years we have been sharing a wall, and I am now ready to present the only possible origins of the terrifying cacaphony:

1. You are a serial murderer/rapist a la Jeffrey Dahmer. I sincerely doubt this however, because I have an unsually well-developped sense of smell. Which leads to...

2. You share your apartment with an anal fissure-stricken water buffalo. Again, I would probably sniff this one out, so we move on to the most likely scenario...

3. You have 32 speakers pointed at our shared wall, and you watch "Cannibal Holocaust" every afternoon at full volume.

If this is correct, please signal that I have solved the riddle by remaining completely silent.