Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Proselytism FAIL

I just went to get some coffee and on the way I FOUND A SAVIOUR!

... So many questions.
Let's begin: Why the excessive (ie. exclusive) caps?
I mean, I *guess* religious tracts found on kitchen appliances warrant caps. God certainly speaks and writes in caps.
As for Jesus... I'm not so sure. He probably gave God shit for writing in caps. He's all "Bitch, please".
This note also features one of my favourite usages of exclamation points: Excessive!
Or, rather, EXCESSIVE!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!
Because with each additional exclamation, I come closer to the Lord!!!!! Here I come, Sweet Baby Jesus!!!!!!!!! Testify, tell it to the sky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I must note that there are 10 exclamation points in total. If the study of Renaissance art has taught me anything, it is the iconographic meaning of numbers in 15th and 16th century religious painting.

Mrs. Klondike (for such is her name) is clearly alluding to the 10 commandments. In addition, the 5 ellipsis points after her concluding statement refers to the 5 wounds of Christ, (an apt reference during this most sacred season of Lent). Combined, 10 + 5= 15. 1+5 =6, the number associated with Creation. The red font suggests The Passion, which is completed on Easter Monday.

Therefore, the iconographic interpretation is thus:

The body of Christ, residing in the Klondike Bar, is meant to be accepted as the Eucharist on Good Friday. There will be additional Klondike Bars purchased on Easter Monday, which will then undergo transubstantiation and be stored in the freezer next to the peas.

(In other words: Bitch, please. It's just ice cream).