Monday, May 4, 2009

Better Put On a Pot of Coffee, This Might Take a While

Like many of you, my life has been slowly eroding before my eyes. Swine flu, recession woes, global warming, anal leakage... It all eats away at our quality of life.

But now, we see a light at the end of the tunnel. Your favourite hooker-assaulting, meth-smoking TV pitchman, Vince Shlomi is back. Forget that crusty old bitch ShamWOW!, because the Slap Chop will survive in the historical archives marked 'Zeitgeist' for centuries to come.

I am honoured to present the first (I'm In Parentheses) screening of Vince Shlomi's Slap Chop. Enjoy.

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Let's forget for a moment that this product hasn't existed for 17 years. Let's also forget that this product is so useless that we've each used this product exactly once in these past 17 years.

Instead, let us please turn our attention to the human embodiment of the divine that is Vince.

Where do I even fucking start?

"All day long, you're going to be slapping our troubles away." This is a pretty substantial statement, especially in light of Vince's recent assault on a prostitute by means of punching and... slapping. And though I feel that the obvious allusion to masturbation is far too lowbrow for this blog, I will nonetheless make reference to it.

I also love Vince's blessed advice to us all: "Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life." Now, I haven't received my Liberal Arts degree YET, but since it is less than a year away from completion, I feel I am qualified to offer my literary assessment. This. is. poetry.
Not since Ezra Pound has the essence of the human experience been captured in so few words.

In closing, let us remember that if Vince can do it with one finger, we can do it with our whole hand.
Just keep slappin' away.