Wednesday, October 8, 2008

An Open Letter to Scientology

Fuck you.
That's right. I'm talking to you, Scientology.
Fuck you.

Who do you think you are?
First, let's talk about pedigree. A science-fiction writer? Really?
Because, the last time I checked, sci-fi authors were right next to infomercial hosts in the Least Credible Human Beings department. Following a religion that was started by a sci-fi writer is as ridiculous as following some treasure hunter who found a few golden plates in..... wait..... Nevermind.

And you really know your faith will hold up to the test of time if the only way you can get people into your church is to trick them. And don't underestimate the power of B- and C-list celebrities as spokespeople. Nothing says "Respite Of The Soul" like closeted middle-aged caucasian men.

Next, we'll move on to doctrine.
Or, at least we'll move on to doctrine in theory, because apparently you have no doctrine. Watching a Scientology conversion video is like trying to have an orgasm for 7 hours. Nothing is actually accomplished, and you get so frustrated you want to chainsaw someone's face off.

Also, who is this Xenu person? Because I could have sworn it was a fabrication of L. Ron Hubbard's imagination... You know, just some standard H.G Wells-ish bad guy. But I was wrong.... Xenu came here a long time ago and messed up our shit, and his grandchildren stayed here to make life difficult for people. Not like Concentration Camp-difficult, but "My family just doesn't GET me"-difficult.

As if this laundry list of foolishness wasn't enough, you also demand huge amounts of cash from your followers. There is absolutely no precedent in Western Civilization for asking parishoners to pony up mon....oh........wait....

I was wrong.

I guess you are a legitimate religion.

Please find enclosed your tax exemption forms.

M. Wood


Ronbot Van Helsing said...

Now WHY would high-level scientologist JOHN COALE abruptly switch support from the Clintons to SARAH PALIN and JOHN MCCAIN?? Of course, because Palin is a DE FACTO SCIENTOLOGIST by pledging her support to DOMINIONIST CHRISTIAN groups who are in cahoots with the CULT of Scientology via the CNP.

Coale's about-face is a perfect illustration of how his political choices have NOTHING to do with Democratic or Republican party ideals, but WHAT EACH CANDIDATE CAN DO FOR SCIENTOLOGY. We already know the Clintons are in bed with scientology, and so when Hillary lost her bid, Coale switched parties because Palin is connected to scientology and Obama is not.

Michelle Wood said...

Your excessive caps and embedded links speak volumes of your passion for this subject.

Anonymous said...