Tuesday, July 14, 2009

21 Things People Hate About Me

"Michelle, why are you such an insufferable bitch?"

This is a question I'm often asked, by friends and strangers, by clergy and laypersons, by the young and decrepit alike. It's been one of the great mysteries of my life-- How could you hate me? ME! As is typical of my personality (and number 14 on the list) I've decided to compile a list.

  1. I am a biblio-snob of the worst sort. Twilight? Bitch, please. I wouldn't be caught dead with that book in my hand.

  2. I crack my bones.

  3. I wear (forbidden!) outside shoes at the gym.

  4. I ask questions that are absolutely none of my business.

  5. I sing along in the car to every single song. I'm a terrible singer, too. This is not modesty, either. I am truly terrible. It's why I love kareoke so much.

  6. I love opening my mouth and showing people half-eaten food.

  7. I always grab my friend's cigarettes and insist on lighting them. The first drag is always the best, anyway. The rest is just anticlimax.

  8. I openly mock those who use poor grammar.

  9. I roll my eyes about 5 dozen times per day.

  10. I love the movie "Drop Dead Gorgeous".

  11. I have a super-humanly strong sense of smell, and I will tell you if you stink.

  12. I always whine that I want a pot-bellied pig. Apparently they get really big. Whatever.

  13. I compulsively buy stationery. Pens are a particular problem.

  14. I compile lists incessantly.

  15. I become obsessed with things very intensely, and I devour every piece of information I can find on the subject.

  16. I refuse to watch The Godfather.

  17. I love watching strangers eat really messy food. Shawarmas= hilarious.

  18. Anything that comes out of my purse smells and tastes like perfume. Mints, gum, etc.

  19. I rarely finish a drink. I just drink 75% of it, and either give up or get a new one.

  20. I cannot (CANNOT) sit at a restaurant without hanging a spoon off my nose.

  21. I fully expect you to adore me for the above idiosynchracies.