(Im In Parentheses)

Thought of the Day

2010-03-02T19:38:00.001-08:00

How is Traveller's Diarrhea different from Staying-At-Home Diarrhea? Oh, right. Everyone is in their bathing suit and sharing the same toilet.

RAVE: Competitive Sports!

2010-02-23T18:53:00.000-08:00

In what context is it alright for a grown woman to sit on the couch in her apartment alone and shout angry things to a television broadcasting sports?

This may come as a surprise to you, but the woman is me. I'm sitting on my fine fuckin' coulo, screaming obscenities at hockey players. Quiet, subservient female? Yes, very.

My neighbours would like you to know that some recent calls by Ref Michelle include:

"Just shoot, fuckface!"
"Trip him with your stick!"
"Punch him in the eye!"
"Learn to skate, asshair!"

I'm so butch. Or I would be butch, if I were eating steak rather than romaine-and-avocado salad for dinner. I have to keep my trim figure if I'm gonna take home gold for ski ballet in 2014.

Thought of the Day

2010-01-06T21:46:00.001-08:00

Can't we all just get along? If not, can't we all just get a bong? If that doesn't work, can't we all just share a dong?

Films In-Depth: Sherlock Holmes

2010-01-06T18:53:00.001-08:00

Robert Downey Jr. is really attractive. There was this one part when he was boxing and his shirt was off and he was really sweaty. When does this come out on DVD?

Listed, Fisted.

2009-12-23T20:52:00.000-08:00

Bandwagon jumper? Heck yes, I am.

I have been collecting these cherished moments all year long, writing them out on handmade paper and storing them in a treasure box under my bed just for this very occasion. I certainly didn't pull them out of my ass on December 23rd, and wrote them in 20 minutes while watching "A Christmas Story" and wondering where my life went wrong.

As is my custom on this blog and in my life, I will veer away from relevant current events and draw from my own experiences. Self-indulgent. I know. You love me anyways.

1. Top vacation destination of 2009:

Grande Prairie

2.Top shoplifted item of 2009:

Grande Prairie

3. Top summertime memory of 2009:

Writing brilliant (but largely unappreciated) haikus for the catastrophe team at a large Dutch insurance company for whom I worked. Clearly, the term 'work' is a catch-all term for dicking around for 8.5 hours a day.

4. Top health scare of 2009:

The huge zit on my chin that my mom thought might be cervical cancer.

5. Top friend-fight of 2009:

When Tara got offended that I called her deceased mother a ho.

6. Top educational pursuit of 2009:

Trying (and succeeding!) to teach myself how to whistle. Poorly.

7. Top misunderstood song lyrics of 2009:

When I thought that the Kings of Leon wrote a hit song about Alexisonfire.

8. Top philanthropic gesture of 2009:

The luxurious household furnishings that I sold to charity at a moderately discounted price.

9. Top blog I contributed to in 2009:

Sure as fuck not this one.

May your season be filled with joy, laughter, cheer, and Boney M.

Ms. Claus

2009-12-17T10:05:00.001-08:00

Happy Holidays to my favourite bitches.

I love you all, in many very different ways. But they're all sexual.

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Ratatouille Strychnine, Sometimes She's a Friend of Mine

2009-12-16T17:56:00.000-08:00

I love my friends. Why? They create stuff like this.

happybirthdayrory09 from James Allen Cochrane on Vimeo.

Turn Around

2009-12-14T14:15:00.000-08:00

Bonnie Tyler® brand razors. Because every now and then, you need a really good shave.

"Obtainable only from retailers"! Which is to say that those knock-off blades from the creepy Portuguese guy with bitch tits around the corner are nothing short of inferior.

Or, "How To Bang Winnie Cooper"

2009-11-04T22:06:00.000-08:00

Ah, romance.

The Italian poet Dante was not immune to the sweet bliss to be found in the wooing of a beautiful woman. Neither were Romeo nor Cyrano de Bergerac. Goethe's Werther offed himself.

These men had desire. These men had passion. These men had burning lust.

But what they didn't have was $2.

I'm Gay For...

2009-10-27T16:28:00.000-07:00

The slutty chair from Pee Wee's Playhouse. She taught me everything I know about what it means to be a woman, and how to please a man by making him sit on my face.

I'm Guessing He's A Republican

2009-10-25T17:55:00.000-07:00

If creepy anamatronic hillbillies leave you a little unsettled, I would skip this video.

When I was 13, Uncle Klunk raped me.

He used the banana.

(Also, they serve pizza. Apparently.)

No Water For Me, Thanks

2009-10-09T09:35:00.000-07:00

Not having living during the era in which this was marketed, I naturally have questions. I have several questions.

1. Is this a joke?
2. How much does she pay for the storage locker where she keeps her intestines?
3. How was childbearing negotiated during this age? For that matter, how was conception negotiated?
4. Is the brand named "Erect Form" because, when the corset is off, the wearer topples over like a poorly designed PlayDoh sculpture?
5. No, really. Is this a joke?

I also must point out that this contraption was marketed as 'comfortable'. I have to agree on this, it does look comfortable. Then again, I sleep with bamboo shoots under my fingernails and knitting needles poked through my eyelids. Ahhhhh. So comfy. It feels just like snuggling with gramma.

Hairstyles That Need To Happen Again

2009-10-09T09:21:00.000-07:00

That's it. Just this one. Make it happen, people.

Photo

I'm Gay For...

2009-10-06T20:04:00.000-07:00

Jennifer Tilly.

Special thanks to Eric from www.tiptaptip.com for reminding me how much I love her.

Oh, My Aching Tiddies

2009-09-23T22:02:00.000-07:00

Hey ladies!

Does your seatbelt dig in to your shoulders, neck or chest? Are you plagued with safety belt irritation at the site of contact? Have you ever wanted to get motorboated by a stuffed animal?

This adorable little bear will lie spread-eagled over your chest as you drive your hybrid car while wearing khakis and inoffensive pastels. The soft velour fabric feels almost sensuous against your skin. Or at least it would feel sensuous, if you hadn't given up orgasms for financial security back on your wedding day in '96.

The TiddyBear also doubles as a modesty device for today's Mormon mom-on-the-go. Is a little extra cleavage proving to be a point of contention with your husband's other 6 wives? Cover up your scandalous melon-crack with a plush chastity device.

But wait! It's not just for the ladies! Men can also use the TiddyBear! Sure, wearing a glorified Beanie Baby across your bitch tits takes a toll on your manhood, but you probably handed over the keys to your balls years ago, anyways.

And bonus- it's yellow! The colour of sunshine!

And urine.

The Bitch Is Back

2009-09-19T22:21:00.000-07:00

Yes, MOTHER, I have been away from the blog for far too long. I've been busy. I'm sorry. What exciting activities have been selfishly occupying my time? Since you're so fucking nosy, here's a list.

School
Volunteer fire department
My laughably empty social life
Watching movies
Corrupting juvies
Knitting afghans
Judging people who I catch reading "Twilight"
Showering with football teams to save water
Showering with Horshack to save Kotter
Cleaning the venetian blinds
Weeding the yard
Reading the bard
Encouraging Kanye to express himself
Shaving my legs
Shaving your legs
Shaving Horshack's legs
Enjoying the weather
Employing the leather
Sucking at life

Glad to be back. I missed you bitches.

Love,
The Irreplaceable
Michelle

I'm Gay For...

2009-08-27T21:20:00.000-07:00

Hummus. Fuckin' eh.

Thought of the Day

2009-08-26T18:13:00.000-07:00

Is it wrong that I get turned on while watching men eat bananas?

ABBA Met the Same Fate

2009-08-26T16:58:00.000-07:00

I love this style of upper-body dancing. I call it "The Unfortunate War Veteran".

Also, girls-- please don't get too excited about Ken. There's not much flavour South of the border, if you know what I mean. But that hair he's rocking... that hair is man enough for twelve eunuchs. And I love his "I don't give a shit" attitude. So typical of the underground-club-coke-and-bareback-for-cash 80's man.

I forgot how 80's style was capable of morphing a 10-year old girl into a 34-year old Michigan housewife. A tightly-coiled perm, eyebrows as thick as molasses, and a good sweep of blue eyeshadow for good measure could turn Stephanie Tanner into Mrs. Seaver.

My favourite part-- skip to 0:21 when Barbie asks Ken to join the band- she's still dancing!! Bitch is a fucking slave to the rhythm! I'll bet she rode the scene hard until 1993, when she found Jesus and renounced her sinful ways. Ken left her and headed to Seattle where he played drums in a band called Reject-ulation until he got his Masters in philosophy.

Ah well... we all have to grow up sometime.

If it's melted, it counts as a food group.

2009-08-19T18:35:00.000-07:00

A word to the wise: Don't let yourself get so hungry that, as soon as dinner is made, you forget to turn off the stove.

Oh, This? It's Just a Pamphlet on Existentialism

2009-08-19T17:05:00.000-07:00

I like to support small business when I can. If I need to buy a book, I try to find it at local, independantly-owned bookstores. But occasionally, I find myself in the mouth of the beast... Chapters. (Shout out to my sister Sarah-Hi! Please don't let this stop you from buying me gift cards for books!)

I guess I've been away too long, becuase on my most recept trip I found some new and curious section headers.

I come from a time (and a sensibility) in which books are categorized into such genres as Self-Help, Gardening, Wellness, Travel, Cooking, Fiction and Literature (yes, they ARE different), and so on.

So you can imagine my surprise upon discovering:

Human Resources!

American cuisine too exciting for your palate? Try... Canadian Cooking!

Need some mid-grade quality parchment with which to wipe your ass? Why not check out... James Patterson!Wait, wait, wait. That last one is fake, right. Right??

Oh. It's real. I see.

We're all fucked.

Thankfully, I have acquired a list of exciting new genres coming soon to a Chapters near you:

Sweatpants!
Armenian Baking!
Meercat Husbandry!
Pogo-Ball Maintenance!
Do-It Yourself REM Sleeping!

If you need me, I'll be in Hermaphrodite Erotica.

I'm Gay For...

2009-08-17T10:43:00.001-07:00

The tiny little tables in the middle of a pizza. Sure, the adult in me knows it's there to prevent the cheese from sticking to the top of the box. But the 8-year old girl in me knows it's there so that my Barbies have a table to gather around while discussing the current Book Club selection.

"Oh Barbie, don't be so naive. Moll Flanders is no victim."

"Dammit, Skipper, you did this last month with Heart of Darkness! I have an opinion, and it shan't be stifled!"

"OK you two, simmer down. Here, have some petit fours and we'll choose our book for next month. Now, I've been hearing a lot of interest in Pynchon. But I would like to suggest Edith Wharton in honour of Stacie's upcoming trip to Boston. Now, who's for some port?"

Thought of the Day

2009-08-10T20:33:00.000-07:00

Are you ever tempted to buy a hearing aid so your hearing becomes MEGA SUPER HEARING? I would use it not for good, but evil. And by evil, I mean eavesdropping on other people's conversations and using the acquired information to gently destroy them.

Cue Miss Grundy's Arm-Crossing Disapproval

2009-08-09T08:23:00.001-07:00

Oh, for the days when narcotics were the only things we needed to teach our kids to avoid. What a utopian notion. Thomas More would have been pleased.

The message couldn't be more clear: experiment with drugs and end up shivering in a wooden box with a crudely-drawn vagina staring at you like the Eye of God.

Thank sweet baby Jesus that the illustrator has clearly depicted what drug users and dealers look like. Stay away from people with strange hats and ziz-zagging smiles. In fact, anyone out of the ordinary should be avaoided altogether. This includes: men with hair, women with smiles, anyone with irises in their eyes, and anyone over 1.5 feet tall.

Based purely on the font, I'm pretty sure this PSA appeared in some sort of Archie vehicle, which is hilarious because the comic featured some of the most obvious junkies of a generation.

That asshole Reggie had a huge problem with the blow. He and Veronica totally used to road trip from Riverdale to SoCal to get the good Colombian shit.

Fuckin' Moose had wicked 'roid rage and he's always pissed because his balls keep shrinking. Midge just laughs at him, so he punches her lights out.

Big Ethel has to slip some E into guys' drinks at parties, because it's the only way she can get anyone to touch her.

And please, let's not forget about the biggest basehead at Riverdale High-- Jughead. Bitch eats so many hamburgers, he shits lettuce, pickle and tomato.

Remember kids: Be wise, not weird.

Seacrest out.

Things I Hate: Office Edition

2009-08-06T16:43:00.000-07:00

I know you feel me on these, darlings. Let's hate together. Let's love hating together. Naked.

Grown women who covet stuffed animals.
Related: Grown women who display stuffed animals and cutesy figurines at their desk. This is not going to get you a husband, girls. And while you're at it, get rid of the plushies from your bedroom, too. Nothing tells a man "Run like the wind" quite like staring into Nemo's dead, plastic eyes while plowing the HR girl.
The office douche-anova. If I don't fall all over you on my first day, I must be a lesbian. Or, pardon me, 'carpet muncher'.
When someone finds it perfectly acceptable to let me listen to their diarrhea-induced anal squirts and gurgles. Have a little shame, people. And please-- don't grunt.
The ever-present Asshole with a Bluetooth.
When management-types say things like: "Getting our ducks in a row", "Playing a little catch-up","Let's touch base", and "Coming down the pipeline".
Self-righteous kitchen notes. I know my mother doesn't work here, bitch. I left my mug in the sink because I'm fucking lazy.

Also-- that's not coffee. That's liquid apathy.

An Open Letter to My Current Apartment Building

2009-08-04T13:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Shit Shack,

Please accept this letter as notice of my imminent departure. I've found a better place.

These last three years have had their ups and downs. I'll never forget the time I came down to the parkade and found four soiled diapers waiting for me next to the garbage bin. Nor will I forget that one Christmas when the neighbours purchased singing Christmas lights which played "O Come All Ye Faithful" ad nauseum for the entirety of December. It was great background music for my final-exam study sessions.

But it wasn't all bad. You have been good to me, too-- you have provided for me. I always knew if I ever got hungry, I could pick off the cheese and dried up Italian sausage from the discarded pizza boxes which were an invariable installation next to the garage door. And I needn't ever have worried about income, because there was always a steady supply of beer bottles and empty cans of Monster Energy Drink to be found in the stairwell, ready to be cashed in.

In every relationship, communicaiton is key. And you understood this. I never felt unsure of my responsibilities or obligations to you, thanks to the endless parade of threatening letters from the resident manager. Whether a soft reminder to "Walk QUIETLY in the stairwell, don't RUN!!!!!" or a gentle prompt to "Take down ALL CHRISTMAS LIGHTS by January 3rd !!!!!!!", I always knew what was expected of me. In fact, I took one of these notices and slipped it into my scrapbook, a keepsake to remind me that "If you let any transients into the building, you will face IMMEDIATE EVICTION !!!!!!!!!"

And so it is with a full heart and an empty wallet that I make my home somewhere else. I will never forget your moisture-warped balcony door, nor will I soon forget your uneven heat distribution.

My new place will be an adjustment, it's true. But I want you to know that you'll always be in my heart, increasing in value by the maximum legal limit every 6 months.

Love,
Michelle

Next Up: DIY Flip Book to Read While Being Excluded by the Other Children

2009-08-03T19:43:00.000-07:00

I love how the photographer didn't actually snap a shot of a completed craft. I guess he figured that an unformed lump of clay being poked by one developmentally-delayed finger was the perfect image to convey the book's intended message: "Kid's a little slow? Keep 'em busy with piss-poor handicrafts. It's the best you can hope for".

Also, please note the lamentable self-righteousness: "Through their hands, they shall learn".

And what craft project is complete without swastikas?

(All jokes aside, this actually makes me really sad. I hate everyone.)

Photo

Thought of the Day

2009-08-02T18:50:00.000-07:00

When are they going to come out with a film version of WKRP in Cincinnati? I've been waiting like...forever.

I'm Gay For...

2009-08-02T11:56:00.000-07:00

Robert Downey Jr.

Yes baby, of course you can snort coke off my ass. Just please don't leave me.

This Just In: Oprah Not Conducive to Orgasm

2009-08-01T23:11:00.000-07:00

While listening to Joel and Jenn, hosts of my favourite podcast/carnival of mortal delight that is Squidpod, I at once felt such camaraderie with Joel as he listed off qualities which he considers unfuckable. According to Mr. Squidpod, anyone who says the following is instantly off his list:

"On Oprah I saw..."
"Jenny McCarthy said..."
"Yoga pants are SOOO comfortable"

Joel.
I feel you, my brother.

Some girls are fucking retards. So are some men (but that's another post).

Though I don't sleep with women, there are certainly boundaries which, when crossed, warrant my disdain. So, at the risk of offending some friends and the public at large (and by public at large, I mean the 6 people who read this blog), I would like to present my own list, which I like to call...

"If You Ever Say This To Me, I Will Kick You in the Clitoris":

"That totally reminds me of something I read in Twilight..."
"...and then I saw the man of my dreams. There he was, with a Bluetooth and an Ed Hardy shirt, the sun glistening on his shaven head..."
"Where did you put my Gilmore Girls box set?"
"Awwww, he treats me like a princess!"
"No, it's true! I read it in an email my mom forwarded to me!"

And finally, nothing earns my disgust quite like...

"OMG, when I saw that, I totally LOL'd!"

Dumb broad.

Not Pictured: Summons to Appear in Front of House Un-American Activities Committee

2009-07-27T18:03:00.001-07:00

"Who's a girl gotta knock boots with ta getta Tom Collins 'round here?"

via MadMen Yourself

And He Always Wants to Control the Tunes

2009-07-27T08:55:00.000-07:00

I long for the days before we, as a culture, harnessed the power of subliminal messages.

This offering, designed to encourage the conservation of precious fuel for the war effort, could not be more liminal. It's the advertising equivalent of printing your message on a length of 2x4 and wallopping your intended audience with it in the face.

I love how sad Hitler looks- he clearly has so many other things to do! "Ich told you to take the 508! Das highway is always bottlenecked at rush hour! Scheisse!"

A Little Tense

2009-07-23T16:52:00.000-07:00

For Christ's sake, fella.... It's just coffee.

If you're gonna hit her, hit her for giving your boss a rusty trombone at the office Christmas party. Jesus.

Glamorous Wedding FAIL

2009-07-21T21:08:00.000-07:00

I love the kid on the left. He's so fucking over this shit.

This image inspires so many questions. Which one is the groom? Is it post-syphyllitic Henry VIII in the upper left hand corner? Or perhaps the toothsome Larry Flynt impersonator in the tux next to the bride?

At least we don't have to play this guessing game to find the bridesmaids. The lovely, virginal handmaids kneeling on either side of the blushing bride are clearly taking their duties very seriously.

What I wouldn't give to have been a fly on the wall during the first consultation with the wedding planner: "Ok, for your wedding, I see..... plague-era London! Hooded tunics, codpieces, doublets and calf boots as far as the eye can see! And hats? Oh, heavens, yes! Above all, hats!"

Even the people dressed normally have gotten it all wrong. Over on the right, Uncle Bruce's jacket sleeves are trying to crawl out of frame.

Tip: If you're going to have a theme wedding, make it something like "We'd really prefer monetary gifts" or "Everyone settles... eventually".

Photo

Thought of the Day

2009-07-21T20:55:00.000-07:00

There's a lot to be said for the contributions that senior citizens make to this world. Who else would enusre that stock in Werther's Original and linament never plunge?

I'm Gay For...

2009-07-21T10:16:00.000-07:00

...squidpod.

There comes a point in every woman's life when she must admit she has been outfoxed. Whether she loses her husband to a Filipino transsexual named Jade, or she loses the big promotion to a 22-year old with braces and gonorrhea, she must admit defeat.

For me, that day is today. I have oficially lost the title of "Awesomeness Personified". And not just to one person, either-- there are two victors tied for first place.

Who are these specimens of wondrous hilarity, you ask? Who are these superhumans who warrant the praise of me -ME!- a woman who once had sex on the front lawn of a Catholic Church with a gay man- to bow down in defeat?

They are Joel and Jenn of squidpod.

Words are cheap, I know. I say a lot of things are awesome-- turkey stuffing, sunglasses, rocking chairs. But Joel and Jenn-- and please don't mistake the following statement for hyperbole-- are the best thing on this fucking planet since Jesus.

Don't believe me? Indulge me by considering the following excerpts from their podcasts:

Jenn: "I picked up a couple of great books the other day..."

Joel: (audible sigh of disgust)

"It twists so you can drill things in awkward places"

"Tron! It was TRON, for fuck's sakes!"

"The verb of maternity is... matronly?"

"There's days when I come home and... I don't want to live in a fart"

"It's gonna feel tight 'cause it's poking through nylon"

"You basically have 4 hands"

"...and continue to screw like crazy"

"I knew I instantly liked you when you maimed me in my eye"

"There's some squares, and they need a little bit of help. And that help is Wild Turkey"

"So I was working at my monkey research laboratory job..."

"I think he might be dead"

And my personal favourite:

"If anyone asks why your Ikea catalog has holes, tell them it's 'cause the Swedes are assholes"

Now that you Know, now that you are in sync with the universe and all of it's mysteries and pleasures, do not let this knowledge go to waste. Leave this stinking dog turd of a blog and go to squidpod. It was nice knowing you.

No, A Flow Chart Has Nothing To Do with Menstruation

2009-07-19T19:11:00.000-07:00

Clicking on a picture embiggens the smallest image. Related: I suck at the internet.

Choosy Moms Place Faith in Junk Science

2009-07-19T07:18:00.000-07:00

"How soon is too soon? Not soon enough."

Mothers who love their children pour cola down their throats. And there's no such thing as too soon. Douche with it. Mix it with rum on the night of conception. Fry up the afterbirth, stick it on some rye bread and wash it all down with a Coke.

Apparently children who drink cola at an early age are more popular and are in for a "lifetime of guaranteed happiness". An outrageous claim, to be sure, but it's based on evidence collected by the Soda Pop Board of America, so you know it's non-biased.

So if you care about the future of your child, force some of the bubbly brown down his throat and make the little bastard gargle with it until his teeth fall out.

Faded Beauty, Faded Dreams

2009-07-16T09:13:00.000-07:00

It ain't easy being a dime-dancer. Fellas coppin' a feel wherever they please, stinkin' of whiskey and trouble. When I left the farm, Mama told me about the city, she told me "Bootise, you ain't never gonna make it in that big town!" But I had myself a dream. I's gonna be the star of the stage. They's was all gonna come from miles around, just to hear me sing and watch my twinklin' toes dance all over that stage.

But Mama was right. I shouldda listened to her, and stay put at the farm. Ain't no one in this town wants to hire a chubby farm girl. They all tells me "You're too damn fat!" and they're right.

So now, I keep my figure down. I work at the Swingin' Pigeon, givin' it away for a measly dime. I still get to dance, and I really shouldna be complainin'. But I just gets hungry. I gets so hungry.

21 Things People Hate About Me

2009-07-14T17:20:00.000-07:00

"Michelle, why are you such an insufferable bitch?"

This is a question I'm often asked, by friends and strangers, by clergy and laypersons, by the young and decrepit alike. It's been one of the great mysteries of my life-- How could you hate me? ME! As is typical of my personality (and number 14 on the list) I've decided to compile a list.

I am a biblio-snob of the worst sort. Twilight? Bitch, please. I wouldn't be caught dead with that book in my hand.

I crack my bones.

I wear (forbidden!) outside shoes at the gym.

I ask questions that are absolutely none of my business.

I sing along in the car to every single song. I'm a terrible singer, too. This is not modesty, either. I am truly terrible. It's why I love kareoke so much.

I love opening my mouth and showing people half-eaten food.

I always grab my friend's cigarettes and insist on lighting them. The first drag is always the best, anyway. The rest is just anticlimax.

I openly mock those who use poor grammar.

I roll my eyes about 5 dozen times per day.

I love the movie "Drop Dead Gorgeous".

I have a super-humanly strong sense of smell, and I will tell you if you stink.

I always whine that I want a pot-bellied pig. Apparently they get really big. Whatever.

I compulsively buy stationery. Pens are a particular problem.

I compile lists incessantly.

I become obsessed with things very intensely, and I devour every piece of information I can find on the subject.

I refuse to watch The Godfather.

I love watching strangers eat really messy food. Shawarmas= hilarious.

Anything that comes out of my purse smells and tastes like perfume. Mints, gum, etc.

I rarely finish a drink. I just drink 75% of it, and either give up or get a new one.

I cannot (CANNOT) sit at a restaurant without hanging a spoon off my nose.

I fully expect you to adore me for the above idiosynchracies.

Thought of the Day

2009-07-12T07:20:00.000-07:00

Barbecue-flavoured chips and beer go really, really well together.

Non-Violent Persistence

2009-07-09T12:39:00.000-07:00

I present to you, my microscopic viewing public, my very first passive aggressive note.

I feel I must mention that this is not my first attempt to solve this problem- I have tried the assertive option, the aggressive option, and now I am left with little else in the way of protest. I am very new to this type of problem-solving. Usually, I just flutter my eyelashes and say "Please?"or hit whatever I want over the head, but these methods have been of no use in this particular situation.

Not my best effort, I'll admit, but I was in a hurry. You see, I had a load of unmentionables in The Washer (so capitalized as there is only one blessed functioning machine- Allah be praised), and I had to scribble down this note so I could stealthily sneak it in and tape it up. Also, if you leave your laundry in the machine for more than 2 minutes after your load is done, someone will take it out and (if you're lucky), put it on top of the dryer. Not in the dryer, mind you. On top.

I'm not really into creepy apartment-dwellers fondling my knickers and delicates, so I had to rush.

I digress. Here is my contribution to the world of spineless whining:

Ghandi would have been proud.

The First Step is Admitting You Have a Problem

2009-07-09T07:36:00.000-07:00

Meat is the new black.

via Passive Aggressive Notes

I'm Gay For...

2009-07-08T12:56:00.000-07:00

Grey Gardens. Why? Please allow the following quotes to answer your question.

Little Edie: If you can't get a man to propose to you, you might as well be dead.

Big Edie: The cat's going to the bathroom right in behind my portrait.
Little Edie: Isn't that awful?
Big Edie: No, I'm glad he is. I'm glad someone's doing what he wanted to.

Big Edie: He always compliments me on the way I do my corn.

Big Edie: France fell, but Edie didn't fall.

If you haven't watched it, you haven't lived. This statement is absolutely without hyperbole.

Oh, The Woes of the Middle Class

2009-06-27T10:52:00.001-07:00

Dear Resident Manager whom I will, one day, draw and quarter,

Hey there. We have a situation. Since November, the second of the two washing machines on my floor has been broken. Nope-- correction. It has been broken, repaired by your 80-year old husband, broken again, and again repaired. The cycle begins anew every 2 weeks or so. Now mathematics has never been my strongest area of expertise, but it is my calculation that this machine has been broken for 255 of the last 270 days. Clearly, this repair job is ineffective. Actually, I feel strange using the word 'repaired', because we both know this is not what he does. This is the same man who replaced a fuse on my stove... with another fuse from my stove. Now, instead of a malfunctioning right burner, I have a malfunctioning left burner. I blame myself, really. I obviously need to be more specific.

Please, please, please hire a real repairman for the building. I know you love your husband, but he is as useless as a hat full of busted assholes. The man has no clue now to fix shit. My Aunt Nita could do a better job. And she's 98 years old. And she's dead.

I suppose having two washing machines in good working order for a floor with 30+ residents is a lot to ask. Believe me, we've tried to make due. We currently solve the problem as follows: each Sunday, we draw straws to determine who will get to wash their clothes that week. It's kind of fun, actually. When I awake on the Lord's Day, I'm never sure if I'm going to have clean clothes that week, or if I'll have to rotate my wardrobe another 360 degrees. It's terribly exciting, really. It kind of makes me feel powerful and dangerous. Like the sun.

One thing I ask of you, however, is to actually empty out the stagnant wash water from the broken machine. I'm sure you're aware that the machine always breaks mid-cycle, leaving a basin full of grey water. I'm not in love with seeing the floating crust of dirty clothes. You think I'm exaggerating? Observe.

Yummy.

Love,
Michelle

P.S. I'm fucking serious. I will have you drawn and quartered. It hurts.

Thought of the Day

2009-06-25T17:18:00.001-07:00

Why don't people still get glamour shots? They were so... just... glamourous.

Because I'm a Legend In My Own Mind. And In Yours.

2009-06-25T10:50:00.000-07:00

James Lipton's Ten Questions.

1. What is your favourite word?
Reciprocity

2. What is your least favourite word?
Prolapse

3. What turns you on?
Really good cologne, and Daniel-Day Lewis as Bill the Butcher in "Gangs of New York".

4. What turns you off?
Reciprocal prolapses

5. What is your favourite curse word?
'Cunt'. I so rarely get a chance to use it, though. People are so sensitive about being called 'cunty' these days.

6. What sound or noise do you love?
Thunder, and the sound of the bones cracking in my neck.

7. What sound or noise do you hate?
When someone's nose is whistling. Or the creepy accents that men in California have.

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
I would like to get my Ph. D in sass. Also, I would like to work the machine that makes those little donuts.

9. What profession would you not like to attempt?
Anything in sales or professional sports.

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"Welcome home. You did a great job, but next time around, can we please watch the goddamn language?"

Synergy, We Hardly Knew Ye

2009-06-24T22:43:00.000-07:00

Care to take a little stroll down memory lane?
No?
Too fucking bad. Watch it.

....?

What the hell were we thinking in the 80's?

So, Synergy is Clash? No? So she's the polar opposite of Clash? And she can jam Jem's concert with scary crotch-rays? But she can also make Clash into Jericha. But Jericha is actually Jem, right? And The Holograms are actual holograms? But, where does Jem come from in the first place? How does this work?

Looking back at the 80's, it's easy to see the tremendous effect that all the blow and Flock of Seagulls had on us.

As a child, I was a huge fan of Jem. I asked, begged, PLEADED for a Jem doll for Christmas. When I finally got one, I experienced such deep disappointment.

Jem is a fucking tranny. I know this, because I ran to my room to get my Ken doll as comparaison. She is bigger than Ken, has no hips, and her face bears the expression of an individual who is straining under the pain of a poorly-executed tuck.

Actually, upon further inspection, I'd venture to guess she has the shit sweats from a long night of Boone's Strawberry Hill and Moons Over My Hammy.

Also- please note the earrings. They stick into her head like voodoo needles. Once, I poked them into her neck and pretended she was Frankenstein. "Raaaaarrr!"

Don't even get me started on the hair.

I'm Gay For...

2009-06-24T20:17:00.000-07:00

This place.

Why?
The coffee= other-worldly.
The music= delightful.
And best of all, it makes me feel gloriously pretentious.

Caffe Artigiano, I heart you.

Heart-Breaker, Love-Taker

2009-06-23T22:54:00.000-07:00

At 30, this kid sold your Dad a used Camaro and impregnated your cousin.

Every Philip Seymour Hoffman character could learn a thing or two from him.

via Awkward Family Photos

Craigslist: Take Two.

2009-06-23T19:19:00.000-07:00

Here we go again. This is gonna be wet and wild. May I suggest a diaper?

Lonely, depressed, need feminine touch - 22
Tall, handsome, highly unique personality, but I'm lonely and depressed. I need a woman in my life to inspire me. Drink of my masculine energy, it is the + to your -

(Translation: I'm crazy. Swallowers only).

no pissin around
no i dont want a chat friend. no i dont want to get to know you over the internet. im looking for a woman who just wants to meet a nice guy. yes im good looking, yes im self sufficient and yes im looking for an attractive girl who wants to have dinner and see if theres sparks. nothing lost- nothing gained i do not respond to e-mails with out your photo. dont wast my time and i wont wast yours.

(Translation: I'm bettr than you. If you're not gorgeous and perfect, you're a time wastr).

Seeking inexp lady for LTR - 32 (downtown)
Hi, this may seem like an odd request...however i would love to find a gal that is fairly unexperienced with men. She should be any age, enjoy going out for a night of town, and looking for someone that is interested in an ongoing thing if all works out. The thought of being able to mould a perfect lover is something that interests me...

(Ya. This is a really shocking request. You want to nail a virgin. Welcome to being male).

Good Looking Guys Seeks Female Midget (Calgary)
Hello Little People of Calgary, You'd better beleive that you are in for a treat! I'm a very attractive and ambitious man (mid twenties) and I am genuinely interested in getting to know you. Your Qualifications: -Must enjoy wine & dancing -Like trying new experiences and learning about new culture -Must be fun and easy going -Capable of carying intelligent conversation -Under the age of 35 -4'10" or shorter only! About Me: -Positive, spontaneous, smart, and fun. -Irresistible charm I guarantee you that you will go crazy over me (and, in the event that I kind of enjoy you too, we will get along wonderfully).

(Translation: Let me throw you around, then call you 'midget' till you cry. You'd better beleive I will!)

Not Interested - 23
Don't reply to this ad, or read it for that matter. I'm not your sugar daddy, and I have no interest in 'hook-ups' (as the cool kids say) or whatever. Just looking for someone to talk with right now, and possibly more if we 'click'. Anyone with a BMI >25 need not apply. No prostitutes.
(How did Mr. Charisma last this long without being snatched up? I'm sure his mother has no idea, either).

Looking for lady to ride with me - 46 (Calgary)
I am planning a motorcycle trip this weekend. Need a female passenger to keep me company Destination is open for discussion.

(Tranlsation: Get on my bike. Don't ask questions. This rope might seem a little snug, but you'll get used to it. Ok, now you're asking questions. I've got duct tape in here somewhere...)

BEND OVER FOR Che Guevara - 31 (Calgary)
The nation of Iran is going through so much turmoil, freedom fighters are marching in, crowds are singing , history in making, you have seen it on TV now it is your turn to join history, immortalize yourself: I am an Iranian guy who can not join the revolution, neither can I participate in joyous beatings , I am full of energy and move and yet ... I think it helps if I fuck a random pussy , I think I will able to concentrate more on strategic tactics afterward. So join the revolution, now or never, you don't get many chances like this in your otherwise dull life. By fucking me, you have indeed fucked the representative of a whole lot of revolutionaries, I am your fucking Che Guara.

(Translation: Not needed. Refreshing honesty is more than appreciated).

This boy needs you..... - 30 (Calgary)
Hello Ladies.... I am a cute Teddybear, so luvable and so down to earth. I am looking for someone to hang with on those downer dayz and see where it takes us? Maybe a quiet movie in or out??? Maybe go for some drinks??? Maybe go for a stroll??? Maybe we'll jus hug for a long long time??? I am looking for you... I don't care if your big or small, short or tall, What your age is, or what your ethnicity is. Who is gonna bite on this ad??? Anyone out there???

(Tranlsation: My mom kicked me out, so you have to be just like her. We don't have to have sex every week, do we? Can't we just hold hands? I love you! Hugs! More hugs! Snuggles! Hey, where are you going? Why are you running so fast? I NEED you!)

lick my ass - 56
Looking for a girl who's willing to lick my ass after taking a big crap. It's a weird fetish I have.

(Translation: I ran out of toilet paper).

Natural Beauty

2009-06-23T08:31:00.000-07:00

Ladies, clearly we all have some catching up to do.

via Dlisted

Thought of the Day

2009-06-22T20:54:00.000-07:00

A bloated white businessman refused to open the window for an old lady on the train today. I think I'll stalk him for a few weeks, get him nice and scared, then sneak up on him in the alley and punch him in the dick.

I'm Gay For...

2009-06-22T20:26:00.000-07:00

Her.

This is one of my best girlfriends. She is the proprietor of a significant piece of real estate in my heart. To me she is... perfect.

Part of my unconditional love for her stems from her ability to attract crazies and uncomfortable situations. It is... inspiring.

Observe.

Dear Chantal Hébert...

2009-06-22T11:01:00.000-07:00

A little lipstick goes a long way.

Love, Michelle

An Open Letter to Manwich Sloppy Joe Sauce

2009-06-21T20:06:00.000-07:00

Hey, bitch.

It's me, your #1 fan. I know, that sounds so Annie Wilkes, but I really don't care.

Why are you so fucking great?

I mean, all you are is glorified ketchup. Sure, there's some garlic salt and worchestershire sauce in you, but that's about it.

I usually save you for special occasions, like when I'm camping and I've blitzed myself retarded at 2 am. Why do I limit my consumption of you? My life needs you in it, every goddamn day. Sure, I might be inviting tapeworms into my colon, but true love is all about sacrifice.

You exist in a perfect cylindrical-shaped vessel, waiting, wanting me to open you. And then, a perfect climax--dripping dowm my chin, into my decolleté.

You are all I ever needed. Whenever you're around, all I have to do is find some meat, and get it near my biscuit.

Story of my life.

Love,

Michelle

Where Does He Hide Them?

2009-06-20T07:57:00.000-07:00

It takes some serious balls to rip your own arm off as a warning. Daisy Duck must get it pretty regular.

Via Passive-Agressive Notes

Because Inquiring Minds Need to Know

2009-06-18T15:48:00.001-07:00

What happens when I insert a device into my computer? Observe.
Yes, it really is me.
Maybe next time I'll tell you what happens when something comes into my Inbox.

Thought of the Day

2009-06-17T11:49:00.001-07:00

Whatever happened to opium dens?

I'm Pretty Sure This Is Covered Under The Geneva Convention

2009-06-15T15:35:00.000-07:00

The slider revolutionary.

via Dlisted

Freud and Marx Were Right-- We Fetishize Everything

2009-06-14T10:08:00.000-07:00

In my search for Cakewrecks, I typed in 'cake' and Google auto-predicted that I might be instead looking for Cake Farts. Sure, Google, you've never led me astray before. I trust you. I'll just click on this link and....

Hmmm. I see. Excuse me, I have to go jump off my balcony now.

WARNING: Links to adult content. Not for the faint of heart. Please don't watch this. Ever.

http://www.cakefarts.com/

He Also Said He's Not Ready to Commit to Something Serious

2009-06-14T09:52:00.001-07:00

What do you say to the graduate with absolutely no prospects on his horizon? What sentiment fits such a bleak, uncertain occasion?

This cake depresses me deeply. Is it the Wal-Mart shade of blue? The utter lack of punctuation, denoting an utter lack of emotion? The well-wisher seems not to even care enough about poor Evan to grant him the full words 'love you'.

This is the pastry equivalent to getting a card from your sweetheart with an inscription that reads: Love Ya :)

You're in my heart, Evan. Deep in my <3

Via Cakewrecks

Just a Squirt

2009-06-12T11:27:00.000-07:00

Slow day. I need a template.

What are you doing right now?

Smokin' on a night train, chewin' on a jelly roll.

How many times have you been kissed today?

Does it count if I kiss myself? If it does, then 73.

What song is your ringtone?

Right now it's "Papa Was a Rolling Stone", but I'm most proud of getting the stink eye from some uptight bitch in Costco when my phone rang to "Erotica" by Madonna. I live to get the stink eye from strangers.

Rain or sun?

Rain. Sun is far too obvious and unimaginative.

What was your first job?

Fluffer at an assisted living facility.

Who was your favourite teacher?

My grade 8 English teacher, Mr. Mitchell. He was actually the son of W.O. Mitchell, and he loved to tell us stories about his dad getting spectacularly blitzed in rural Saskatchewan.

Wind, water, earth, or fire?

Who's asking these questions? The fucking Planeteers?

What is your favourite perfume?

Irrelevant Cheap Slag by Jessica Simpson. I wear it well.

Coke or Pepsi?

Seriously? Are these questions from like 1993? I feel like I'm taking the Pepsi Taste Test Challenge in a sad suburban mall. By the way, it's neither. Club Soda. What? I like it with lime. Caffeine makes me panic.

What do you wear to bed?

A smile. And a squirt of Irrelevant Cheap Slag by Jessica Simpson. I wear them well.

Asshole Seeks Same

2009-06-09T14:53:00.000-07:00

One of my favourite activities is searching Craigslist for... anything. I've recently discovered that the personals offer the most interesting listings. A sample, complete with Asshole-to-English translation:

seeking older, attached & or neglected - 44 (south)

I'm attached and am looking for an encounter with an attached/neglected woman. Your needs & beauty have been ignored and I'm the one to make you feel like the woman you are. Your age isn't too important but would prefer between 30 - 55...of course this isn't written in stone. I'm clean, safe, attentive & affectionate.and want to please you in anyway you desire. Of course there will be NSA...but if you would like to make it an occasional event, that would be fine too. I'm 6'tall, 165lbs, attractive and in good shape. DISCRETION IS EXPECTED & ASSURED

(Translation: Pussy. Any age. No offers turned down).

very exciting to have real women for love (calgary)

honest , seriouce , funny , easy going , friendly , open minded , i love trying new things ,watch movies , traveling , sport .... i do like see news in morning ,with coffee , i do belive in love built on truth and trust , i am very exciting to heard from you if you are interested , if not plz accepte all my respect and have wonderfull times

(Translation: Fuck me. Stay for breakfast).

Do you want to sell me your panties - 24 (U of C area)
I have a huuuge panty fetish. I'd like to purchase a pair. I'd like them to be well-worn, strongly scented, and wet. I'll pay $50/pair. I'm actually a very normal guy but where else can I satisfy a fetish like this. I'm a normal grad student, very polite and respectful. I'd like you to be reasonably fit and attractive. After all, I will be thinking of you when I go home!
(Translation: Fucking yikes).

Toronto Banana Boy Coming To Town - 38 (Toronto To Calgary)

(Translation: Moving on....)

New to pussy - m4mw - 20 (Calgary)

Hey im a gay male but i wanna try pussy with a couple i got pics plz get back thanx

(Translation: Holes wanted).

looking for a date tonite - 34 (sw)

my buddy's b-day tonite and looking for a date nsa just looking for some female company blind dates r awsome im 6 foot 190 lbs bald nice build tattoos peircings anyway reply back my name is B.J and the sooner the better

(Translation: Bitch, you better reply to me now so I can slap you around a bit before dinner).

Mental Problems-23, SouthEast
I have all sorts of problems, such as being insecure, fat, ugly, balding, and (generally speaking) I am a total failure at life. I'd make a lousy companion, as I won't do anything nice for you, and I don't give a fuck aboot your problems. I'm an asshole and will be more than happy to make you feel bad aboot yourself if it makes me feel better. Your pic gets mine.

(Translation: Not needed. This guy is obviously the cream of the crop. Like, for realsies. Bitches always be complainin' about guys who can't make them laugh. Jump on this one, ladies).

And finally, my absolute favourite:

like to suck pipe? - 30 (north calgary)

looking for chicks that like to get high and have sex with strangers -- i supply you service

(Translation: Better start picking out the wedding china).

I'm Gay For...

2009-06-08T10:20:00.000-07:00

The forest.

Also-- a tree bed? Yes, please.

Thought of the Day

2009-06-07T08:28:00.000-07:00

Fellas:
If you're shaking a lady's hand, please don't seize it and shake as if you just sold her a tractor.

I Like Mine Double Stuffed

2009-06-05T10:23:00.000-07:00

As promised to one Ms. Tara Clancy,

I present.... all 31 ways.

With a firm hand
With a soft hand
With curled fingers
With your mouth
On the go
On the rag
On the run
With a nun
With a bun
Naked
With a naked nun
With a hand full of Vaseline
With extra tomatoes
With extra pickles
With Don Rickles
On the way to work
On the way home
On the way to Nome
With a gnome
With a gnu
With Apu
On your birthday
On my birthday
On Don Rickles' birthday
On brown bread
On white bread
With Bill & Ted
Without a haggle
Without a Fraggle
With a lit Bic
With a lit mick

Hey Tara, remember that time YOU woke up in a shopping cart??

Puberty? What's that?!?

2009-06-01T18:03:00.000-07:00

Say, Coach!
Why am becoming increasingly socially awkward? Why do my parents refuse to look me in the eyes anymore? Why do I smell funny? Why does George look at me like that?

Coach!? COACH!?

Cybersex Transcript

2009-05-31T16:41:00.000-07:00

via Hokie

Enjoy.

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?

BritneySpears14: Aight.

bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.

BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.

bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.

BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.

bloodninja: Me too baby.

BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.

bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.

BritneySpears14: Hey...

bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.

BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.

bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.

BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.

bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me b!%c#, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.

BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of $#!%.

bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?

Films In-Depth: Terminator Salvation

2009-05-29T23:44:00.003-07:00

Explosions. Dirty things. Lots of metal. No shots of Christian Bale without his shirt on.

Hated it.

Thought of the Day

2009-05-29T18:18:00.000-07:00

What if BOTH sides of the pillow are too hot?

Friday Filmstrips

2009-05-29T15:59:00.000-07:00

Just in case you haven't seen it....

Prop 8 The Musical

"Prop 8 - The Musical" starring Jack Black, John C. Reilly, and many more... from Jack Black

I'm Gay For...

2009-05-29T12:06:00.000-07:00

Bruce Springsteen.

Then and now.

Where's The Fava Beans?

2009-05-29T09:51:00.000-07:00

Somebody get this girl something to eat, stat. I must point out that she is actually not looking at the bread, but at Mommy's meaty paws.

And I'm not sure why, but she kind of reminds me of Kirsten Dunst. Maybe it's the sociopathic desperation in her eyes.

They Don't Make 'Em Like They Used To

2009-05-28T19:51:00.000-07:00

I have never been more confused or felt stupider (stupider?!?) than I did after watching this ad. So wait.... they're Cornflakes, but they're made with rice? And corn?
And the pig. The pig?!? No wait, it's a chicken. But it's actually a cow.

The content is also shamelessly centered around the potency inherent in crunchy cereal. Please note the gun (American masculinity) that turns into a noodle (impotence) when pointed at a cow (the sacred female).

Oh, and the use of American Gothic= brilliant. Like, actually.

Also-- I dare you to watch this and not have it stuck in your head for the rest of the day.

Golly! A Weenie Roast!

2009-05-28T12:45:00.000-07:00

This is a post-WWII short film in which a creepy man's disembodied voice instructs teenagers on how to be popular.
Highlights:

Homoeroticism
Nutrition deficiency resulting in confusion surrounding scarves vs. mittens
Young girls answering the phone like 80-year old women
Sluts with pointy breasts
Phallic imagery
Teen Town (?!?)
Affirmation of established gender roles
Financial instability
Blanco-centric social values

Enjoy, my darling bitches!

Note: This is (I'm In Parentheses)'s first-ever video edit. Why didn't anyone tell me it was so difficult? I hate you all.

NAW!! Just kidding, I love you all! Especially you.

I'm Gay For...

2009-05-27T18:10:00.000-07:00

Beer. Cold, frosty beer.

Thought of the Day

2009-05-27T18:07:00.000-07:00

This recession blows goats for bus fare.

Tattoo FAIL

2009-05-21T16:26:00.000-07:00

There is nothing more satisfying that seeing stupid people branded with marks equal to or greater than their own stupidity.

I can't write my disdain fast enough.

Let's explore the iconographic significance of this objet d'art:

(Bugs?) Bunny, with pierced bunny ear and assymetrical hat angle for extra badassness= Tattoo owner is no friend to authority
Early 90's-style peace sign tee= Allusion to the plight of Tibetans to gain independance
Loose yet form-fitting slacks= Tattoo owner knows how to party, but can also clean up good for church and Grandma's house
Nike high-tops= Socio-political commentary on the commodification of children as sweatshop workers
Pole in hand= Obviously represents pole-vaulting. Duh.

Photo

Where Do You Work Out?

2009-05-21T15:53:00.000-07:00

For your consideration, may I present:

...and...

Just sayin'.

Photo

Thy Will Be Done, But After Ours

2009-05-20T10:52:00.000-07:00

In my meanderings of the interweb, I recently came across a piece of U.S history—words spoken by General Patton. Bad, rainy weather had immobalized his troops, and he decided to call upon higher powers to intercede.

General Patton: “Chaplain, I want you to publish a prayer for good weather. I’m tired of these soldiers having to fight mood and floods as well as Germans. See if we can’t get God to work on our side.”

The resulting prayer, which was distributed by the U.S. Army with Patton’s Christmas greetings, called upon God
“to restrain these immoderate rains with which we have had to contend. Grant us fair weather for Battle. Graciously harken to us as soldiers who call upon Thee that, armed with Thy power, we may advance from victory to victory, and crush the oppression and wickedness of our enemies, and establish Thy justice among men and nations. Amen”.

Translation:

Hey, God! We’re trying to win. Please stop the rain, which you, in your infinite wisdom, have decided to bless us with. We arm ourselves with your power, and AK47’s. Bazookas too, but mostly your power. Your power is soooooo powerful. It’s so powerful, it can create rain to water our crops and nourish our cattle so that we can eat and drink and survive. But stop the rain. Pretty please. We fight in your name, and in your name we pray, please stop exerting your power. Your will be done. Please conform to our will. Love, Us.

Thought of the Day

2009-05-14T17:16:00.000-07:00

I hate it when people refer to Las Vegas as 'Sin City' in a non-ironic way.

I'm Gay For...

2009-05-05T16:51:00.001-07:00

Watermelon. The jucier, the better.

This Just In: Crazy Bitch Smokes Pall Malls

2009-05-05T09:37:00.000-07:00

The payoff comes at the 0:50 second mark.

Happy Tuesday, my lovelies.

Better Put On a Pot of Coffee, This Might Take a While

2009-05-04T20:44:00.000-07:00

Like many of you, my life has been slowly eroding before my eyes. Swine flu, recession woes, global warming, anal leakage... It all eats away at our quality of life.

But now, we see a light at the end of the tunnel. Your favourite hooker-assaulting, meth-smoking TV pitchman, Vince Shlomi is back. Forget that crusty old bitch ShamWOW!, because the Slap Chop will survive in the historical archives marked 'Zeitgeist' for centuries to come.

I am honoured to present the first (I'm In Parentheses) screening of Vince Shlomi's Slap Chop. Enjoy.

3

2

1

Let's forget for a moment that this product hasn't existed for 17 years. Let's also forget that this product is so useless that we've each used this product exactly once in these past 17 years.

Instead, let us please turn our attention to the human embodiment of the divine that is Vince.

Where do I even fucking start?

"All day long, you're going to be slapping our troubles away." This is a pretty substantial statement, especially in light of Vince's recent assault on a prostitute by means of punching and... slapping. And though I feel that the obvious allusion to masturbation is far too lowbrow for this blog, I will nonetheless make reference to it.

I also love Vince's blessed advice to us all: "Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life." Now, I haven't received my Liberal Arts degree YET, but since it is less than a year away from completion, I feel I am qualified to offer my literary assessment. This. is. poetry.
Not since Ezra Pound has the essence of the human experience been captured in so few words.

In closing, let us remember that if Vince can do it with one finger, we can do it with our whole hand.
Just keep slappin' away.

Thought of the Day

2009-05-03T09:22:00.000-07:00

Perfect Strangers had the best intro and theme song ever.

After All, Easter is the Guilt Holiday

2009-05-03T09:04:00.000-07:00

Let's talk logistics here:

Buying eggs
Hard boiling eggs
Finding/buying crayons to write on aforementioned eggs
Writing on eggs
Dyeing eggs (multiple colours)
Putting eggs in travel-safe container
Carrying eggs to work
Placing eggs strategically in fridge
Awaiting (inevitable!) cleaning of fridge

Versus:

Pull garbage can over to fridge
Throw out all contents of fridge

I especially love the underlined "CLEAN" so as to add emphasis.

"Clean the fridge", as opposed to

"Strategically place pre-prepared Easter eggs in fridge to remind nameless entity other than oneself to clean fridge".

I am *so* glad I don't work in an office anymore.

Source

Spring Cleaning

2009-04-29T08:43:00.001-07:00

Dear Sir,

Firstly, I would like to extend my kudos. I don't know how you were able to get my email address, but clearly you did some top-rate investigative work, and for this, I commend you.

Secondly, thank you. In my daily perusal of my emails, I happened upon your message. Granted, it was in my Junk Mail, but as they say, one man's trash is another man's treasure.

And this, my good man, was indeed treasure. The title you gave to this email is absolute poetry. In fact, I would like to present (in the Dadaist tradition), my first ever Found Poem:

Found Poem Alpha

Remove Toxic Sludge from your Colon.
As seen on Oprah.

Now, I can only attribute your (correct!) foresight to more of that stellar investigative genius. I do have toxic sludge in my colon, and it does need to be removed! Finally, I can now get the colon-refreshing relief that I so sorely need.

Again, thank you so very much. If I can ever repay you for this wonderful gift, please, do not hesitate to ask.

With warmest wishes and

sincerest thanks,

M. Wood.

I'm Gay For...

2009-04-28T23:59:00.000-07:00

Blip.fm

Restaurant Review: Mother Tuckers

2009-04-28T22:25:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I've been here many times. I grew up in Calgary, and this place has been around since before Woody Allen fucked his daughter.

A friend and I decided to go out for dinner, and he left the restaurant up to me. What shall I choose?

Being a red-blooded Canadian girl, I like a piece of meat between my teeth. Steak. But where?

"Hey Ryan, we haven't been to Mother Tuckers in a while. You wanna meet there at 6?" "Sure", he concedes, and the date is set.

Now, a little background: Said friend and I go way back to Grade 8, when one day, he walked into my homeroom classroom wearing a T-shirt that read "Ask me about my cat", with a picture of a kitten peeking out of a coffee mug. I commented on how much I loved it (still do), and we have been friends for lo these past 15 years.

We go out to dinner whenever he's in town (flight attendant), and Mother Tuckers has been one of our 'places' for many years. But for some reason, we stopped visiting the establishment about a year ago. Memory provides no apparent motive, hence my (ill-fated) decision to return.

That was mistake number one. Mistake number two came when we sat down, ordered our dinner via the transgendered server, and skipped off to the salad bar.

Horrors. Absolute horrors. Apparently, since we've been away, the restaurant has rented out much of it's salad bar to a family of fruit flies. I concetrated most of my attention of dry goods, such as croutons, and hoped for the best.

Shortly thereafter arrived the entrees. My scalloped potatoes were covered in brownish-tan chunks. Curious, I asked the server "What's this in the potatoes" and the prompt reply? "I don't know".

"Wait wait wait" I call after her as she walks away, "could you find out for me?" "Ya, ok" she agrees begrudgingly. Upon her return, I am informed of the ingredient in question: "Cheese" she says, "but probably way overcooked". Confident that this has cleared up any doubt surrounding the culinary merit of the dish, she again turns on her heel and walks away.

Left with nothing but my wits and "way overcooked" cheese, I err on the side of safety and decide not to consume the carbohydrate element of the meal. Focusing on my sirloin, I dig in. I didn't know it was possible for meat to be flavourless. Like, entirely deviod of flavour. I add salt. No dice. Pepper. Mmmm, my steak tastes like pepper now.

My friend fared mildly better, but his prime rib looked... off-colour. Nothing really obvious, but, you know when you look at someone's face and you just know they're about to puke? Now you see what I mean.

Upon procurement of the bill, I toddle off to pay my portion by means of debit. I ask the host "Where can I pay this on debit?" and he walks away. I follow. He turns around and sneers "No, wait over there, I'm going to go get it". A wireless debit machine! So modern. But he doesn't come back with a wireless debit machine. He comes back with a second copy of my bill. I explain I've already recieved it from the server. And-- here comes my favourite part of the evening-- he says "Well, you didn't have it in your hand when you came up to me the first time!" and snatches it from my hands. Not having moved more than two feet from where he left me, I certainly did have the bill in my hand. Stunned by the sheer rudeness, I handed him my debit card. He swipes, I punch away, and the transaction is completed.

Later, in the movie theatre, my friend's stomach starts to hurt. Big fucking suprise.

Rating: 2 fluorescent dinner rolls out of 5

Here, Smoke These!

2009-04-28T10:12:00.000-07:00

No matter what, NEVER EVER tell your wife that the Newport Girl came out of the TV and handed you a pack of smokes. The old battle-axe just won't understand.

Thought of the Day

2009-04-24T06:34:00.000-07:00

Phlegm is fucking gross.

I'm Gay For...

2009-04-23T19:09:00.000-07:00

Used book stores.

RAVE: Twitter

2009-04-23T13:12:00.000-07:00

Hey, are you on Twitter?
Hey, are you on Twitter?
Hey, what's up? Oh me, not much... Hey, are you on Twitter?

It's like, the best thing ever!!!

First, you create an account. Then, you search for people. Yay! Can't find anyone? Try searching again! Ok, still haven't found anyone? Ok, try searching one more time. Oh, oops, it appears you have exceeded your maximun search allottment for now. Please wait an hour and search again.

Now that you have a whopping 5 friends, you can update them! And, just as exciting, they can update you. Then, you update back! Actually, they're not on Twitter right now, you might want to wait the standard '1 hour - 8 days' which is the typical time between most Twitter updates. Unless of course, there are "Too Many Tweets" (cute!) and you can't update, in which case, just wait longer.

Why don't you just send a text message, you ask? Because these are the friends that you're really not friendly enough with to exchange numbers. Isn't that what Facebook is for? Well, yes... and no.

You see, Facebook allows you to interact with people in a much more complex manner. But who needs that in this work-a-day world? It's just *so* much better to express yourself in 140 characters or less. After all, the deepest and most consequential feelings can be expressed in 140 words or less:
"I love you"; "I'm really happy"; "I love pistachios"; "Where's the remote"; "John Mayer sucks"; "I hate when the remote is covered in pistachio crumbs"; "Where did that remote get to again?"

Hey, guess what?
I'm 'following' Anderson Cooper! And John Mayer! And Ashton Kutcher! I know, exciting, right?!?!? Well, actually, no, they didn't add, me. Um, no, I don't require their permission to 'follow' their updates. Why is this such a big deal? Because my life is such an empty vessel, I love attaching myself to more successful people so that when my 5 Twitter friends look at my profile, they see that I 'follow' famous people. No, this doesn't mark me as a shameless social climber, but as a Really Cool Person who has the connections to 'follow' famous people whose participation is not in any way required.

Hey! I gotta go now, but I'll text you later! Wait, scratch that... I'll just post an update! Are you on Twitter?

Pepsi Presents Faith

2009-04-22T17:41:00.000-07:00

God loves you. He wants you to have a fuller, richer life.

He's thought about it for a while now, and he has some new tricks up his sleeve to make your life better.

Joel Osteen Ministries, Inc. presents....... THINGS©!

And not only Things... NEW Things©!

Tired of the old Things of deities past? Sick of God's gifts which never seem to change?

Now available, right from the Big Guy in the Sky, direct to your door, The New Things© of God will make you a believer all over again. Experience what it means to be one of the faithful in these hard times. Today's Christian knows that God's grace doesn't come in the form of wisdom, experience or miracles, but in Things©.

FAQ

What are these Things©? How will they improve my life?
The exact nature of JOM, Inc. Things© is a closely-guarded secret,
but you have the guarantee of Joel Osteen himself that his Things©
will dramatically improve the greatness-ocity of your life.

How do I get Things©?
By simply making a cash donation to Joel Osteen Ministries, Inc., you will recieve
The New Things of God©. (Cash dontations only please, no prayers, good

Weddings
Anniversaries
Birthdays
Graduations
Divorces
Civic Holidays
Thursdays
3-Days Sober Celebrations
Bar Mitzvahs
Ramadan
Ascension Day
Colonial Independance

Hostess Gifts
Police Bribes
Doorstops
Coffee Table Decorations
Salad Toppings
Lures for Unsuspecting Children
Grizzly Bear Repellents

Source (Unfortunately)

Happy Earth Day, Bitches!

2009-04-22T17:19:00.000-07:00

Don't forget to recycle-- paper, water bottles, men.

There's a Yeast Joke In Here Somewhere...

2009-04-14T11:33:00.000-07:00

Did you know-- a lot of brown bread is just white bread coloured brown?

All kinds of people are doing it!

I miss the good old days when it was perfectly natural to sexualize baking.

Thought of the Day

2009-04-14T10:48:00.000-07:00

You can't get much cooler than Mickey Rourke.

Photo

I'm Gay For...

2009-04-13T22:12:00.001-07:00

Louis XV-era French writing desks.

RANT: Creepy Next-Door Neighbour.

2009-04-13T21:35:00.000-07:00

Hi!
It's me, the girl who lives next to you! I know you know who I am, because you've seen me walking into my apartment many, many times. I also have looked at you with scornful contempt after watching you dump disgusting garbage sans bag down the garbage chute.

I just wanted to send a quick note to say what a creep you are. I'm not sure what the specific infractions are, but I know that you're violating your parole.
When you make those frighteningly violent noises at about 1:30 in the afternoon, I have to put my textbook down to explore the possibilities. What are you doing to make such a sound? I would describe it as sounding like a bag of potatoes being hurled at a wood-panelled wall, followed by the wailing lament of damned souls.
I have reflected on this, for lo these past 3 years we have been sharing a wall, and I am now ready to present the only possible origins of the terrifying cacaphony:

1. You are a serial murderer/rapist a la Jeffrey Dahmer. I sincerely doubt this however, because I have an unsually well-developped sense of smell. Which leads to...

2. You share your apartment with an anal fissure-stricken water buffalo. Again, I would probably sniff this one out, so we move on to the most likely scenario...

3. You have 32 speakers pointed at our shared wall, and you watch "Cannibal Holocaust" every afternoon at full volume.

If this is correct, please signal that I have solved the riddle by remaining completely silent.

Sincerely,
Michelle