RANT: To the Asshair Who Doesn't Know How to Properly Dispose of Garbage

I'm not sure you're aware that there is a garbage storage facility in the building, so let me give you a few (polite!) pointers that will no doubt clarify the issue of waste disposal.

Tip #1

There is an assigned area for the purging of household waste in this building. It's called the Garbage Chute. It's at the end of the hall (right next to my place!), and you are able to throw 'garbage' down a special 'chute' so it goes into the dumpster.

It's really fun to use! You open the door, throw the garbage down, then watch and listen as it makes it journey to the dumpster. If this doesn't sound like something you could get interested in using, why not make a game of it? I like to play a game called "Garbage Suprise!" in which I silently wait for someone to open the chute on a floor below mine, and then throw down the loudest trash I have (suggestions: old dinner plates, marbles, a bag full of broken glass, etc). It gets the junk out of your house, and the noise and sudden appearance of falling garbage scares the bejeesus out of your neighbours. (I like to think of myself as the queen, and the people who live below me as my jesters-- their shouts of terror-induced suprise is how they entertain and please me). You also live on the top floor, like me, so feel free to formulate your own garbage-related fantasies.

Tip #2

Just because it looks big, doesn't mean it can't get any smaller. I know that pizza boxes look positively monstrous in comparaison to the opening of the Garbage Chute (hereon referred to as G.C), but if you fold them up, they'll go down just fine. This means you won't have to leave behind big trashstuffs in front of the G.C, which, did I mention, is right next to my place? In an ideal world, you would recycle these boxes, but I realize these concepts are quite new to you... And the holidays are coming, so I don't want to put any more stress on you than necessary. So, in brief-- make big things littler.

Tip #3

There are a lot of people in this world, which means a lot of garbage. Someone saw that all this garbage was blowing around and making a mess in big cities, so they got together and invented "Garbage Bags". I know, right? What better thing to put down a Garbage Chute than a Garbage Bag!?!? This always gets me to thinking about the chicken-or-the-egg debate, but that's a little advanced for you, so I'll try and focus.

The garbage bag will hold all your trash (or 'rubbish' if you're from across the pond-ha!) and when it's full, you tie it up and throw it down Big G.C!

This means you don't have to stomp down the hallway (past my place-Hi!) and throw out one item at a time. As much as I love opening up G.C and forensically investigating what you've been storing in your fridge for the last 4 months. It gets a little stinky and sometimes the old food gets on the handle of the G.C and it then transfers onto my hand. I like to think you're a big chutney fan, but I can't go on lying to myself anymore. It's not chutney, it's liquified Kraft Dinner. And it smells... not so nice. I only know this because the G.C is right next to my place.

Now I know that these are hard economic times, the government is on the brink of collapse, and the local competitive sports team isn't doing too well, but I would love to give you the gift of proper garbage disposal this Christmas.

It's what Jesus would have wanted. Because the only thing better than the Big G.C is the Big J.C!

Merry Christmas!

The nice young lady who lives right next to the garbage chute.